One year later...

Sometimes, when I'm grumpy or down in the dumps, my husband suggests we play what he calls the "Blessings Game." This means that we take turns thanking God for things. Invariably, its difficult for me at first because I stubbornly want to sulk, but eventually it turns my mood around and puts my heart back in the right place - thanking the One who is worthy of praise no matter what is happening. But today I need no encouragement to play the Blessings Game. My heart is completely overwhelmed with praise!

Thank you Jesus!

... that I am even in the place to praise You, to talk to You, to know You. For new life, for life that lasts forever with You. For calling me out, picking me up, and placing me on solid rock that has held me steady through all kinds of storms and sunny weather alike.

... for reminding me to pray constantly over those years, for giving me all the strength and persistence neccessary to keep praying for him even in the face of hurt, rejection, discouragement, hopelessness, and exhaustion.

... for never giving up on Your lost sheep. For going and getting him from his dark pit and bringing him into the light. For giving him a brand new redeemed, restored life with You.

... for allowing me to witness (all at once!) years worth of tearfully fervent prayers get answered right before my eyes. For letting me be there to see You crumble a hardened heart and replace it with a heart of flesh.

... for remaining so faithful to me and to Your perfect plan for us, even through my many periods of shameful faithlessness. For being so patient with me, and never letting me wander too far off course before calling me back and reminding me of the good You had in store.

... for Your promise that "the best is yet to come," and the peace that came from believing that. For all the wisdom and truth and confirmation I got from reading "Choosing God's Best." (Thank you Heather!) For blowing my mind one year ago today (and every day since) with what Your best really was, I never could have known it could have been THIS good. For reminding me still, through every trial we face together, that Your best is still yet to come.

... for how deeply You love us, how thoughtfully You created us individually and for each other, how closely You've knitted us together, how generously You provide for us in every possible way, and how carefully You carry us through.

... for giving him the strength to quit smoking cold turkey and a whole year without a single cigarette.

... for an incredible husband, best friend, lover, and leader who I get to look forward to seeing every single day. For a man who makes me laugh more than anyone, who loves me more than I deserve. For giving him all the words he needed to teach me about You when I didn't know a thing, and the perserverance to keep telling me even when I resisted.

... for how perfectly you've put together our story, so that we are an undeniable testimony to your power and love. For the ways that you've used our story to change other people's lives. For letting us be your witnesses. For using our history to confirm our future, for bringing us together in such a way that we will never be able to fool ourselves into thinking that this was not your perfect plan for us.

... for an incredible first year back together, the first of many.

... for the pastor, spiritual father and discipler who has spoken an incredible amount of truth and guidance and love into my life from day one. For giving me someone who didn't think I was crazy for believing what You had told me, who helped me pray for him, who walked with me and encouraged me all the way to the end of the aisle. For everything he's taught me and all the understanding of Your Word I've learned from him over the years that You remind me of whenever I am confused or unsure. Thank You for being so evident in him, for all the lives that he continues to influence with love and wisdom and patience.

... for being the God who is able to do abundantly more than we could ever ask for or imagine, and reminding me of that on such a consistent basis. For giving me more reasons to praise You than I could ever put down in words.

I will never run out of reasons to praise You - its a good thing I have the rest of eternity!

Resurrection of the Lord, of life, of love.

Today, Sunday April 4th is Easter. This day honors and exalts the day that our Lord, the King of Kings and Creator of the universe, defeated the undefeatable. In His perfect, spotless, sinless state, He beat death, He conquered the grave. He rose. And in dying first and then rising, He gives us each the opportunity to do the same - first to die to this world and all that it offers, and then to rise into life - real life, the life we were designed to live. Wholly, sanctified, and with our Designer. Set free from the weight of death, we rise into an everlasting life the moment that we believe and on into eternity. And one day, we will be raised physically to live forever with Him in His presence.

Today, Sunday April 4th also marks the 7th day of a most incredible, almost indescribable week. A week so unlike any other and so beyond human capability that it has clearly blossomed straight out of God's hand. This moves me to tears each time I pour my heart out in thanksgiving to it's Author. Today marks the end of a week watching life and love be raised out of death by the power of God.


(to be continued)

God is GOOD^nth

I know we'll all say (and believe that) "God is good," or "praise God!"

But its in the moments that I'm floored by His goodness, literally overwhelmed by how He can be SO good - I'm talking like ridiculously, beyond generously and incomprehensibly good - that I feel He deserves a description that we don't use often enough. Gloriously incredibly awesome beyond all reason? That will have to suffice I guess.

Lord, are you serious right now? I'm blown away, yet again. I've trusted and I continue to trust, and it hasn't always been easy, and you know that is an understatement. But then you show me how You ARE so faithful, so trustworthy. I knew these things, but I know them more and more personally and I just end up sitting here in awe. So thank you Lord, again and again, every day, always, forever.

It's no one but the Lord who can change a circumstance, a heart, a situation, a life, a direction, whatever... in a matter of moments. Father I pray that you continue in all that You are doing and bring glory upon glory to Your name in the biggest brightest way! Your ways, Your plan are so perfect! I love You!

A Simple Guide for Behavior

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults - unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, "Let me wash your face for you," when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Don't be flip with the sacred. Throwing around the "right answers" with a shallow heart give no honor to God. Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege.

Here is a simple, rule of thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up the word of God and the natural moral code and this is what you get.

But why... is your god better than any other?

Q: It seems like what you're saying is "my god's better than your god" when the reality is no god's better then any god. If people weren't so infatuated with a relationship with some magical all-knowing being, they would concern themselves with their relationships with other people and themselves. Why are you even telling me this, what's in it for you?

A: I'm not saying my God is better, I'm saying my God is God. If I say I'm 25, but you say I'm 22, can we both be right? No. To say that no god is better than any other is like saying I can be both 22 and 25 simultaneously. Two opposing "truths" can't both be true.

It's because I love God that I love other people. The love that the world shows is very shallow, very conditional love. The only way we can even know what love really is (unconditional, undeserved, self-sacrificial) is by knowing the Lord. I forgive much because I have been forgiven of an infinite amount. So in terms of concerning myself with relationships, I absolutely do. And it all flows out of the divine love that I've been given.

I'm telling you this out of that love. I don't know you, I don't know your past or your mind or your heart or even how many hairs you have on your head, but God does. My love for you is because He first loved me.

I know who I was before I knew Him and I shudder at how lost I realize now I had been. We are all broken, we all need a savior. We have one. I know Him.

Conditional "Love"

There is no such thing as conditional love.

Love is either unconditional, or it is not love. You might like someone conditionally, based on their behavior, personality, or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say, "I love you, because..." for love has no cause. Real love comes from God.


I Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient. (willing to endure, accommodating, easy going)
Love is kind. (considerate, gracious, gentle, thoughtful, understanding)
Love is not boastful, (arrogant, conceited, imposing)
or rude, (boorish, insulting, intrusive, abrupt, coarse)
or selfish. (egocentric, greedy, wrapped up in oneself)
Love isn't easily angered, (touchy, hot tempered, impatient, tempermental)
and it doesn't keep score of wrongs. (not resentful, exasperated, cynical, or bitter)
Love does not delight in evil things, but rejoices in the truth. (honest, ethical, pure, trustworthy)
Love always protects, (guards from harm, cares for, keeps safe, goes to bat for)
always trusts, (leans on, presumes, places confidence in)
always hopes, (believes, cherishes, looks forward to, aspires)
and always perseveres. (carries on, endures, pursues, stays the course, survives)
Love never fails. (never defeated, never deteriorates, never backslides)

Fears Left Unfixed

Daughter of Zion is lying crying in the mist
Morning light slips in, shifting through the darkness
Like a mourning wife reminisces, having visions of her long gone prince
Memories drip rain drops, tip towing emptiness
Intermixed with tears like fears left unfixed
Walls worn thin frozen fortress like dawn
Waiting for the sunrise of a day that got skipped
Like a life gone wrong wandering wilderness
Lovesick stripped abyss empty once luscious

-Matisyahu

Entrusted.

The more I grow in my faith, the more of a sense of responsibility I feel for the people around me, and most recently my good friends. It makes me feel like a mama hen with chicks to nurture and love, and I am honored and inspired when they come to me with questions or wanting to learn with me. Wow! Whoever would have thought I would be here, today; November 10th, less than seven months after the day I met God for the first time.
Only a few months ago I was at a spot where I felt too self-conscious to talk openly about my relationship with him, always worrying what the other person would be thinking about me. As I learn how to "be bold in front of God" and put aside my uncertainties about being open and authentic, I am seeing how crucial that is. My friendships are deeper, our connections are more genuine, and God has been a powerful part of our conversations.
As I learn what it means to surrender (even down to my own doubts!) I watch him do miraculous things in the hearts of people I care about. How awesome is that!

Heavenly Father... Its only through you that I realize I have nothing to fear. Sometimes you lead me into situations I don't think I know how to handle but you're always faithful in getting me through them as I listen to you. Lord I pray that I would not lose sight of what you call me to do. I pray that you would not take your Holy Spirit from me, that you would continue to nudge me in the right directions, and that I would never give up listening. You know best, Father, even in those situations that seem scary and impossible, you prove to be right by my side with the best answer to all my questions. I couldn't possibly be more thankful for that, and for you, for the way you protect me and guide me. You've shown me so clearly in the past few days what an overwhelming freedom there is in surrendering to you, and what an incredible sense of joy there is at the end of even the darkest tunnels. Thank you Lord for loving me the way you do. Nothing in this world could ever compare. I pray that you would continue to stir up the hearts of those dear to me Lord, and that you would guide me in our conversations. I pray also that you would continue to strengthen me so that those around me could see the work you're doing in me. Lead me not into temptation, Lord, but deliver me from evil. Guard my heart Lord. I pray this all in your peaceful and powerful name, Amen.

Floored.

I'll be completely honest with you and say that I envy those who can hear God's voice. I know he communicates with everyone in different ways, and (as of yet) that isn't how he speaks to me.

But at those times when he very directly speaks to me, I am no less floored. Often, it will be something that may seem common or trivial to those who weren't in on my prayers or thoughts. A sudden coincidence, and a very clear reminder of what is on my heart at the time. Or a song will come on the radio as I'm praying in the car, and the lyrics will clearly answer the questions I was asking him. And every time, the only thing I can do is sit in stunned silence and awe. It's very humbling to be addressed by the Holy King, no matter how it is that he speaks.

I had a moment like that a few minutes ago and was so moved by it that I knew I needed to write it down, because it's times like these that I like to look back on when I'm wondering where he is. As if he ever leaves.

For the backstory, please scroll down to the bottom of the post.

Here I am, just home from work and cranky and I sit down at my computer to check my email, all of these thoughts circling through my head - how I'll wait 'til I hear from him again to unload all these things on him, things I need that I'm not getting, and that I don't want to talk to him anymore and this isn't worth it to me. I'm sitting here almost looking forward to the moment that I can turn tables and make him feel as dispensable as he's made me feel.

I open my "Encouragement for Today" daily devotional from Christianity.com and again, sit here in awe and disbelief that still, that what God is still asking me for loud and clear is patience and perseverance. Even in the face of rejection. (God, you never did say it was going to be easy.) I'm floored.

Here it is, the answer to my questions, titled "Rejected Again?"

Now of course, there are two different dynamics here. There is the relationship side and the spiritual side. As far as a relationship is concerned, things are not good. But I have been telling God for 5 months that his sanctification is more important to me than our being together, and that is still true. God only knows why we've been put in each other's lives, but if I'm in his to help renew and restore his heart, it is disobedient to turn away when it gets hard.

And maybe through these things will come something stronger and more fruitful between us than whatever we could possibly have had before. Only time will tell that.

I do know I need to go about things very differently to preserve my own heart though.
Above all else, guard your heart; for it is the wellspring of life. (Prov. 4:23)

Lord, I know you never said it would be easy, but I know you won't test me beyond what I can bear. Lord help me to keep my eyes fixed on you as I walk with someone who is suffering and to release the heaviness in my own heart. Take away his heart of stone Lord and replace it with a heart of flesh. Give me the right words to speak Lord and the endurance and patience to keep going when I want to give up. Lord I ask also that you give me the courage to pray with him next time I see him. Thank you for the incredible transformation in him that you're already making and for the opportunity you give me to work for you. In Jesus' ever patient name I pray these things. Amen.



The Backstory: In the Spring I was dating this guy who I had an instant, crazy connection with and deep care for, and vice versa. Everything seemed as close to perfect as it could get and I never thought I would see the end of it. If you've read earlier posts, you'll remember that he's the one who taught me about God and the gospel and led me to Christ. Impactful, to say the least.

For reasons not totally understood by me, he went from hot to cold very soon after I became a Christian, which caused me a great deal of anxiety and heartbreak. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong and was consumed by it. As I soon learned, he was deep in a spiritual struggle, knowing what he should be doing and doing very much the opposite. Bad habits that he had repressed all returned to the surface. He drank a lot and smoked a lot and refused to come to church. He lost his convictions and gave up trying.

Every day as I sat in prayer, distressed and hurting, I asked God how he could be this way all of a sudden and what I should do. Even though I felt like the only answer was to break up with him, I kept getting this strong overwhelming feeling as I prayed that I needed to wait and to be patient.

And I tried. It was a month of his being completely shut down and my worrying before he broke up with me. I told him it didn't feel right, and about my prayers. He asked me later after he left if it still didn't feel right; it didn't. He said he'd be a fool not to listen to that, but it was never brought up again.

Over the past five months since we broke up, it was ugly. We saw each other a couple times and it was bad. Really crazy coincidences would happen all the time pointing right to him, and I tried to brush them off. My heart wouldn't heal, and I finally convinced myself that we really were never going to return to the way it was when we were happy. Nonetheless, I thought about him every day, and his heart and strength in the Holy Spirit was the only consistent thing I prayed for daily, even though he was harsh and critical and hurtful when we talked.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I saw him again and things seemed dramatically different. He had a gentleness about him again, and the kindness in his eyes returned. He was humble and respectful, and apologized for all the things he had done and said over that time. We were on the phone all night, talking about how we'd never been able to get over each other and he said it just hadn't been the right time. He told me again and again how much he needs me in his life, and that the people he's surrounded by lead him towards the sins he feels he can't escape. He said he needed my influence on his life, that although he as the man is the leader and the "head," that I am the neck, which supports and guides the head where to go.

We decided to be very intentional on taking it slow this time. We started seeing each other every few days, and it felt like he had become the incredible guy I first met again. All at once he quit smoking, cut down drastically on drinking, cleaned his apartment, and got his stuff together. I can't describe the joy of seeing a heart being restored after the hours and hours of tearful prayers and blessing my 'enemy.' In some ways it feels as though he was in my life to guide me spiritually, and now maybe I was there for him in the same way.

After a few weeks we made the mistake of getting too comfortable and saw each other a few days in a row. I think it freaked him out and he shut down, yet again. I thought to myself, "how can this be happening again??" Not only is it painful in a relationship, but it makes me feel devalued and broken. I knew I needed to do it differently.

So instead of worrying and asking what was wrong and pleading for time together thinking that was going to fix it, I left him alone. We didn't talk for days and when we did see each other again, it seemed like everything was back to normal. But, yet again, it seems that he's switched off and become selfish again, and it brings me right back to that anxious, hurt feeling I had before. I don't want anything to do with that. I can't do it again. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and pretend I don't want to talk to him for days at a time for fear that he'll become that person.

So all last night and all today I have been praying, asking God what to do, but thinking I knew full well what I needed to do. I've come up with all these conversations I wanted to have about how I deserve a lot better than this and that I don't want to have anything to do with him when he's like this. And those things are both true. But it was the way that I was planning it that I just realized is not the way God wants it. It was coming from anger and frustration.

Water From The Rock

I was saying last night, I've been pleading with God to show me what His will is in a way I can recognize, because I think I'm so caught up in what I want that I can't tell what He wants. Even after a few pretty obvious signs yesterday, I think my heart wasn't in the right place to internalize them.

We went to church tonight, and the message was focused around being involved in their series of outreach projects during the summer, which is called Go. Todd, the church's lead pastor, was telling us why we give ourselves away. Sometimes in our lives, we get so caught up in what we're doing that we completely lose sight of the plot. It's easy to forget the reasons why. His example was going to church; we go to honor and praise the Lord. So we go for an hour and a half each week, and we spend a lot of it singing songs of worship to Him. But the real worship is not as much in song as it is in life. When we reach out to those who are struggling, forget our own worries and comforts and details, and focus our energy on helping someone who needs it more than we do, we are worshiping Jesus in our actions. It's easy to go through the motions. We experience actual growth when there is love and praise behind them.

He talked about how easy it is to be so directed on figuring out ourselves from the inside that we can't even hear God when he speaks to us. Sounds familiar. We can spend so much time and energy scrutinizing every one of our thoughts and misguided actions and wondering what on earth it is that we are supposed to be doing, when the answer could be sitting right in front of us, staring us in the face. It takes a tremendous amount of faith and submission to trust that the Lord sees even when we can't, and to stop trying to plan everything for ourselves. It really spoke to me.

He first referenced Psalms 95:6-9, describing a flock of sheep; a species of animal that we know is 100% dependent on being guided and taken care of. There are so many factors out there that would threaten their wellbeing that sheep couldn't survive in the wild on their own.
Neither can we.

Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the Lord our maker,
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.

Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,
where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.

He explained that Meribah and Massah were alters that Moses had set about as he led the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt. It was custom to set up an alter at a place where the Lord had done something incredible. But Meribah and Massah were not the common alter; they didn't honor God. They represented a spot where the people had quarreled and doubted God and tested Him when their own earthly needs were not immediately met.

As Moses was rescuing the Israelites from Egypt and lives of slavery as the Lord had led him to do, they became thirsty walking through the desert. Though they were assured that there was a much better life up ahead, they lacked the faith to believe that. They complained to Moses, to a point of wanting to turn around and go back to being slaves in Egypt, where at least they had water to drink. He asked them, "Why do you put the Lord to the test?" (Exodus 17:2) And when Moses cried out to Him and asked what he was to do, God showed him a rock that he could strike and water would pour out for them to drink. Even after such a miracle, these blind wanders asked him, "Is the Lord among us or not?" (Exodus 17:7)

The first thought, of course, is how could the Israelites stand there and witness such incredible miracles, and STILL doubt the existence of God and all the blessings he had in store for them? Todd described how they could still be so skeptical as spiritual Alzheimer's. It goes beyond a loss of memories from specific events and to a broader way of being where one's loss of faith becomes so all-consuming that no matter what they see or hear, their heart is too hardened to be able to witness it. They are constantly demanding Him to "prove it." No matter how much lays ahead for them and what plans the Lord has for them, they are of so little faith that they would rather turn and go back to their own Egypt (which could be anything from an empty heart, bad habits, unsuccessful relationships, substance abuse) than to submit themselves to His will and trust that He will lead them to something immensely better in the long run.

I felt as though something had woken up inside of me.

On my drive home, I was listening to The Fish 95.9 as usual, and when a song I love came on the radio, it occurred to me that I never listen to all the lyrics.

I'm waking up
The world is turning
The sun is shining again
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door
And I'm going home

Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me I'm
So much more
When I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

Take me into Your arms
My home lies within Your heart

After the message tonight and hearing that song, I realized I really am holding on to things I shouldn't. I've been trying to go back to my Egypt because it seems safer than blindly following where God leads me. I was so set on having it my way that I wouldn't let God speak to me. There's one thing I've been milling over in my head, though; how it could really have been only meant for a short time, yet we had all this amazing chemistry and connection?

I'm still going to have sad feelings, but my focus has shifted. It isn't where He is leading me. I want to devote my energy and my heart to being a servant of God. He will take care of the rest.

Lord, I don't always understand.

I find myself praying in the car a lot. I think it's because its one of the few times during my day that I'm alone and I can have quiet. I also tend to think a lot while I'm driving. Add to that the fact that I always listen to Christian radio in the car, and I commute 40 minutes to work everyday, and you can probably understand why my drive is always God-focused.

I left work today and was driving straight to my ex's apartment, because I told him I would cat-sit while he was away for the weekend. I was driving towards the city he lives in, and as I got closer, I got more sad. I turned off my music and started to pray. I asked... no, begged... the Lord to bring him back to me. I said I knew that it wasn't up to me and that was an unfair request, and if it wasn't right, if it really wasn't His will, to give me a strong sign that it wasn't what was meant for us, beyond him being stubborn. It's hard to decipher signs from God vs someone taking things into their own hands, due to fear or insecurity or whatever else it could be.

I got to his house and opened the door to find the two lonely kitties, being extra affectionate. He'd told me they don't need much help; a big bowl of food and water lasts them days; but that he'd like it if I could go and hang out with them a little. So I got to his apartment, made sure they had enough food, and snuggled with them on my lap for a bit.

The apartment was messy as usual. I was drawn back to the days when we were amazing together, and I loved doing things for him. I tidied up a bit. Remembering why I had come, I wanted to spend more attention on the kitties, and scooped one up and put him on my lap while I went on his computer, which had been left on, to check in with Myspace and Facebook. Right away I noticed a "Notepad" document, open . It was a letter, penned (my best guess) to his ex-fiance about how much he misses her and how he hasn't changed, but he needs to. I was crushed.

Why did he leave that open when he asked me to go hang out at his apartment while he's away on vacation? Was that a very unfortunate coincidence? A dumb mistake? A sign from God? Or a glaring message from him to me that it's really over? Or, as the 1% of me wonders, was it written to me, to tell me that he misses me? I know in my heart it wasn't for me, but the 1% still gnaws at me.

It really upset me. I pet the kitties a bit more, made the bed (why my servant's heart always gets the best of me, I'll never know), cleaned out the litter box, and drove home distraught. Hadn't I just asked God for such a sign? Here it was, staring at me from his desktop, or at least one could presume, and I was still unable to accept it or believe it.

I got to my house, and needed to get ready to go out for my co-worker's birthday. I haven't been out with "the girls" minus a love interest since I came to know God, and to be honest, getting ready (ie putting on a lot of makeup and a showy outfit) didn't feel right at all. I kept looking in the mirror and feeling as though I wasn't honoring God, but very much the opposite. But being the strong-willed girl that I am, now even more determined to have a good time, I swallowed those feelings and pushed them as far down as I could. I was thinking about where we were going, and remembered a guy who was a friend of one of my ex's co-workers that we used to go out with. He was really funny and cool to go out with, but always seemed unnecessarily flirty with me... even in front of my guy.

So, in a moment of sheer weakness of heart, I guess with the desire to assert the fact that I can shut off my feelings just the same, I went on to Myspace with the intention of emailing him and telling him if he wanted to meet up with me, he should text me, and my cell phone number. But as I signed on, my brand-new laptop instantly shut itself down, out of the blue. It's never done that.

So.... apparently I wasn't supposed to email him. Got it.


Lord... I don't always understand you.Please help me understand! I know that's because I keep trying to live off my own free will. I know deep down that won't work. I know in the long run it's all up to you and I need to learn how to accept that. Please help me to see more clearly what your path is. I'm down here, waiting, listening for you. I'm begging you to speak to me. I need to know what you want. I love you with all my heart and I want to do right by you. Please show me what that is. I have no wish but to know and abide by your will. Mine is so strong that yours is hard to see. Help me see it, Lord. Please help me. Amen.

I see You everywhere, Pt 1

The acceptance of God into my life has made a considerable change on how I view the world and my experiences. Even my friends who haven't acknowledged His truth have seen this in me.

Its really incredible to think that only a few months ago, the same things could have happened to me and I would have written them off as happenstance. My realization that the Lord is behind each and every moment of my life has opened my eyes to everything He is doing with me and around me.

Friday marked the end of a relationship that I wasn't happy in for awhile, but I was patient with. I had been praying constantly on it, because my gut instinct told me that I needed to end it to be happy. But every prayer was answered with a very clear response; wait, give it time. So I kept pleading with God to help him find happiness and fulfillment in His love, and to open his heart the way that He opened mine. I asked God to speak clearly enough to him because I knew he couldn't hear Him anymore. I couldn't get him to come to church with me, and I believed that might be the first step in the process of living with the Lord again. When he came over Friday night to break up with me, I told him about all the things I'd been praying for, and that this didn't feel right. This wasn't the answer I kept getting. He told me sometimes our prayers are answered in ways we don't expect or want. I was crushed.

Two days went by without contacting each other. Sunday night was my baptism, and I had hoped he would come. I sent him the address and time, just in case, but didn't expect his appearance. Just as the service was starting, I got a message from him that he was there.

The service began, and the message was centered around how sometimes we can become dead, dry, and empty. He told us that sometimes it feels as though there is no hope for us, and no salvation. But the Lord can breathe His life into us and make us new again. He referenced the Valley of Dry Bones in Ezekiel 37.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.'" - Ezekiel 37:4

"Then you, my people. will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land." - Ezekiel 37:13-14

As much as this service was a celebration of the death of my old self and the birth of my new life with Christ, I sat listening to Isaac's words and thanking God over and over again for having brought my (now ex) boyfriend to church, and for giving to him a sermon that he needed to hear more than anything. I felt so overwhelmed with joy and gratitude in the Lord for answering my prayers that I could hardly contain my smile during the whole service. I say it today and for the rest of my life, God is truly amazing! And since then, his heart seems to have softened to God's grace and he has brought Him back into his life, and has committed to living fully in His word.

He told me very early on in our relationship that as much as he cared about me as his girlfriend, my spirit was most important to him because that was eternal, and our relationship was worldly. I didn't understand fully what that meant, but knew it was a good thing. As our relationship grew, so did my spirit, which is how I have come to where I am today. Through our breakup and the deliverance of his Spirit back into the arms of the Lord, I can easily say that I understand exactly what he meant then, and that I care more about his Spirit than about our worldly relationship too. I love him and I want to be with him, and if it is God's will, we will be together again when his heart is fully restored and renewed in Christ. But as of now, the most important thing to me is supporting him and encouraging him on his journey returning to the Lord, and I pray that I am as helpful to him as he has been to me.

It is an indescribable feeling when you pray so hard for something and you realize that God has heard you, and you can clearly see his response right in front of you. I knew God wasn't going to let him go, and it is such a blessing to be able to witness the remarkable change in his heart.

An Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters

Mike shared this with us during last Sunday's message, and it really stuck with me.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Life is all about choices.

When we learn from our mistakes, we can choose a different path.

Being a Christian doesn't mean being a perfect person. A Christian is someone who has decided to entrust his or her life to Jesus Christ. A Christian trusts Christ for forgiveness of sin, a right standing before God, and guidance in life. As a rule, as human beings, we cannot be perfect. We were born as flesh, and in order to live with God we need to die of the flesh and be reborn to the Holy Spirit that lives within us. This is what it means to be baptized, and I'm very excited to say that I am being baptized this Sunday. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time, and I can't wait to publicly celebrate my new life for and with the Lord.

John 3:3-7 Jesus answered and said to him, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." 4 Nicodemus said to Him, "How can a man be born when he is old? He cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born, can he?" 5 Jesus answered, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. 6 "That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7 "Do not be amazed that I said to you, 'You must be born again.'

We are all born as humans, but only when our hearts and spirits are with the Lord can we be born as the Spirit. The only perfect person was Jesus, who was both human and the Lord here on earth. While we can never expect to be as perfect and holy as God, we can live by His example and make our decisions based on honoring Him, not fulfilling our worldly desires. To live by Christ's word is to be selfless, not selfish. He taught us to be kind, loving, honest, generous, and forgiving.

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. And whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you in order that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax-gatherers do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?" - (Matthew 5:38-47)

Every single day, we are confronted with choices. Of course it's tempting to choose the one that is selfish, simple, easy, and immediately fulfilling. As humans, we are prone to picking the easy route; the one that will benefit us. The other choice is almost always more trying, more difficult, and more Godly. God shows us unfaltering love, devotion, and forgiveness. Why shouldn't we honor Him by doing the same for each other? We learned from Jesus to put others before ourselves, but our culture dictates that we should live "every man for himself." Though the easy choice might be instantly satisfying to ourselves, it rarely honors God or satiates us for long. When we live for ourselves, we never experience true joy. Real joy comes from living for God, and doing his work.

During the baptism class I went to on Wednesday, the teacher was talking about how living for God doesn't necessarily mean "doing good." Many times, we can go through the motions of doing good deeds, but if we do them to fulfill our desire to feel good about ourselves, these actions aren't honoring God; only ourselves. He was telling us how he was volunteering with an organization to build houses, and was feeling good until his co-workers showed up, and it turned out that day was the day where they had developmentally handicapped people working on the house. His good feeling quickly turned to frustration and irritation, because now the hard work became hard work and trying to teach/help out someone else, who was having a hard time, in their own job as well. He was trying to help a man with cerebral palsy use a table saw. God spoke to him, and hit him with a "two by four," as he put it. He asked him how he could possibly look down on these people, who although disabled, would spend their day trying to help someone else. Not only were they working through their adversity to help another, but they were getting immense joy from it. He told him that maybe, just maybe, he may get to be one of those people one day - one who, no matter how big of a struggle it is, puts others before themselves and gains more joy from that than anything else. He told him those were "his people."

Every day, we are given the opportunity to either live for ourselves, or live for others and most importantly God. Jesus demonstrated a servant's heart, and the way to be truly enlightened and fulfilled is to find joy in living by His example. This isn't to say we make the choice and we are finished. Living with the Lord is a journey, not a destination. It is a lifelong effort of the spirit to be as close to Him as possible.





Lord, it is so easy sometimes to feel like I should be putting myself first, because that is what I see around me and it seems like the only way to save myself from being hurt. But I know that is not how you lived or what you want from me, and I am so thankful for the kind and generous heart you blessed me with. Lord, Strengthen my heart so I may continue to give to him who asks of me, to go two miles when forced to go one, and to love and pray for those who may not love and pray for me, because I know that is your way. I am devoting my heart to you, and surrendering myself. Please continue to guide me, I'm listening. Let your love rain down on he who is lacking love for himself, shine your light on his darkness. Thank you Lord for selflessly sacrificing your own to absolve us of our own selfish acts. Forgive me for the things I am lacking and help me to see where I can do better for you. Amen.

Protect, Trust, Hope, and Persevere

I keep finding myself back at this place, where the struggle between my boyfriend and I is so great that I question why it is that I'm still here. I know the easy road would be to turn away and cut ties. The difficult one is the one I keep choosing, though. My gut keeps telling me to break up with him and move on, because it isn't good and I deserve more than what I'm getting. But I keep praying to God for him to get through the rough time he's having and for the strength to be here to support him if that's what I need to do. I keep asking God what I should do; if I should leave him and move on, because it sure feels like it. Despite the feeling in my head, I keep getting the response that I need to give it time, and that I need to wait. Going against the Lord's wishes never got anyone anywhere.

So I am here, fighting for us. I do it because I know deep down he's a one in a million, and because I know he's capable of the kind of love I have searched for. I know he has all the key components that I've wanted in a mate. I know when I met him he made me feel validated in who I am, and important, and smart, and beautiful. And above all else, he opened my heart and led me to God. He's changed my life. I think there is something much deeper going on here than a brief dating relationship.

A large part of our conflict I think is due to the struggles he is having in his own life. Although it is so hard sometimes, I can't justify leaving in his time of need. A lot of the time now I don't feel all those things that he made me feel originally. But I want to believe that this is a rough stretch and that we'll get through it. I want to believe that if I was having a hard time, he would stick around and be supportive of me, too. I think love can save a person. And I love him, even when I don't like him.

I'm reminding myself of this verse from Corinthians.

1Cr 13:4	Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
1Cr 13:5	It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1Cr 13:6	Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
1Cr 13:7	It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1Cr 13:8	Love never fails.

Lord, please let my love never fail. Let it protect us and not lose hope for us. Help me to see clearly what we can do to strengthen our bond and heal our relationship. Help us to love each other as much like You love us as we can. Please remind him of how much You love him, so he can love himself again. Restore our hearts for you and for each other. Amen.

A Piece of Rope from the Lord

I've been having a real struggle lately in my relationship. I see all these positive things around me that are changing for the better: most importantly my new faith, my new job, new friends... but the past few weeks it's felt as though the one major negative thing in my life was my relationship with my boyfriend.

Things started to go downhill, and as soon as I saw them changing from the previously dream-like state that they were, I started to worry, and voiced my concerns. I knew that what I was saying was going to be construed as nagging or whining, but when I wouldn't say anything I would only feel worse. It wasn't doing any good to talk about them though, because it invariably turned into an argument with no end, and the result was never a positive resolution but only more frustration on both sides and increased distance between us.

One thing he kept saying to me was, "relax, just relax." But being told to "calm down" when you don't feel like you're stressed out is a really quick and easy way to make someone very angry, very quickly. And of course I would say, "I AM relaxed, I just don't feel good about ______ right now." And on and on we'd go, in circles.

So although things have seemed to get a lot better lately, I think it was really only on a surface level, because as I was trying to explain to him, there's a level of trust in our relationship that's missing in me right now. To which, of course, he kept saying, "just relax." (Arrggghhh!!!)

Finally, after literally 2 hours of arguing back and forth about how the issue wasn't my "relaxing" but the fact that some days I feel loved and some days I don't, he explained himself. He told me he was at church once, where he really hadn't felt like being at the time. The pastor was going to pray for him, and was asking God for any message that he might need to hear. After a few minutes of prayer, the pastor asked him to put out his hands, palms face up, and started shaking them, saying "relax," over and over. Initially this irritated him (it was something his dad had been saying to him for a long time when he would be upset or disappointed with how his life was going, which he responded to identically to how I have been the past few weeks), but the pastor just kept repeating over and over, "relax," as he shook his hands.

It occured to him, after about 15 minutes of this, that what he was trying to get him to do was submit himself to the Lord, and stop trying to be in control of everything. It's so easy for us to believe that as long as we retain a hold on any situation, we can control where it's going to go and how it's going to happen. In reality, we are never going to "be the boss" - God is the boss, and what it really boils down to is that it's always going to be up to Him. Like quicksand, we can either struggle against it (and sink fast), or we can relax and hang out there, because eventually God is going to come along with a branch or a piece of rope and pull us out.

So now here we were, having just argued our faces off, but it all made sense to me all of a sudden. I just need to submit myself to letting things happen. I care about my boyfriend and I show him in certain ways. He cares about me, and he'll show me in his ways too. But those ways aren't going to happen if I keep trying to direct the situation; I have to start just being, to allow him to show me the way he wants to show me. And ultimately, we both need to relax and let our guard down, so that God can lead us in the direction that He sees for us. If we don't relax and let our guard down and start listening to Him, we'll never hear what God wants to tell us.

And after our 3 hour phone call had to come to a close so that I could go to bed and he could get back to work, he left me with Matthew 6; a perfect lesson in God's branch. We need not worry about anything but our own faith in Him, and He will provide for us all that we need.

Mat 6:25	“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
Mat 6:26	Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Mat 6:27	Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[fn2]?
Mat 6:28	“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
Mat 6:29	Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
Mat 6:30	If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
Mat 6:31	So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
Mat 6:32	For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
Mat 6:33	But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Mat 6:34	Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.