Because I Love Her...

I made her... she is different. She is unique. With LOVE I formed her in her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the day I created her. (Psalm 139: 13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh. And the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her. (Psalm 139: 1-6)

I made her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain....I wanted her to search out her heart and learn that it would be me in her that would make her beautiful... and it would be ME in her that would draw friends to her. (1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way that she would need me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be... Only because I need for her to learn to depend on me... I know her heart, I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget me - her Creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things... because I love her. Because I love her, I have also broken her heart... and the tears she has cried alone I have cried with her, and had a broken heart too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not hold my hand. So many lessons she's learned the hard way because she would not listen to my voice. (Isaiah 41:13)

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone, only to watch her return to My arms, sad and broken. (Isaiah 65:2)

And now she is mine again...I made her, and then I bought her... Because I love her. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her... to renew her for what I have planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image... this high goal I have set for her, because I Love Her. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

But why... does it matter if who god is to us is different?

Q: What makes you so sure your god's the right god? If there were any god at all? I'm not atheist; I believe this planet is my god. And it doesn't matter, I have nothing to lose. Who cares?

A: "The creation of the world shows God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-they have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

God, my God, is revealed in every minuscule detail of life - nature, people, science, relationships, etc. He's confirmed who He is (and His nature) in His word - which is confirmed by history, archaeology, prophecy, biology, etc. And around and around we go. He has given us every opportunity to know exactly who He is and who He is not, so that "men are without excuse." All other "gods" have proven themselves false, while God, my God, cannot be defeated.

You said you have nothing to lose, but there is plenty at stake.

• If I'm wrong, and there is nothing after this life, and no God, I lose nothing.
• If you're right, you gain nothing.
• If you're wrong, and what I've shared with you is true, you will have lost everything, eternally. You will have permanently separated yourself from the source of every pure, good, comforting, redeeming thing in this world, choosing instead a perpetual death.

You seem like you're convinced that God, my God, is not God. Therefore, no matter what I might show you, you will insist on interpreting it in a manner that aligns with your presupposition that god is whatever you decide him or it to be.

If I had a thousand eye-witnesses saying they saw Him, you'd say it was a mass hysteria. Even if I have incontrovertible evidence, your presupposition would force you to interpret the facts consistently with your presupposition and you would not be able to see the proof.

Just remember: Truth does not fear investigation.

But why... would I believe a fairytale?

Q: Why even believe the gospel? Haven't you heard? It's a fairytale, just some good brainwashing for a couple thousand years.

A: In terms of brainwashing, you're definitely onto something.

It is by none other than "...that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him."

He is the author of "...every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved."

Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

In all seriousness - I know you meant the other way around. And I understand where you're coming from, because I was an atheist for 23 years.

On the contrary, with what I know now, I am willing to stake my life on this fact - Jesus Christ is God in the flesh, and lived and died and rose again to set me free of the eternal punishment I deserved. And he did it for you, too.

Are you willing to stake your life on the idea that its a fairytale? Because that's exactly what you're doing.

But why... is your god better than any other?

Q: It seems like what you're saying is "my god's better than your god" when the reality is no god's better then any god. If people weren't so infatuated with a relationship with some magical all-knowing being, they would concern themselves with their relationships with other people and themselves. Why are you even telling me this, what's in it for you?

A: I'm not saying my God is better, I'm saying my God is God. If I say I'm 25, but you say I'm 22, can we both be right? No. To say that no god is better than any other is like saying I can be both 22 and 25 simultaneously. Two opposing "truths" can't both be true.

It's because I love God that I love other people. The love that the world shows is very shallow, very conditional love. The only way we can even know what love really is (unconditional, undeserved, self-sacrificial) is by knowing the Lord. I forgive much because I have been forgiven of an infinite amount. So in terms of concerning myself with relationships, I absolutely do. And it all flows out of the divine love that I've been given.

I'm telling you this out of that love. I don't know you, I don't know your past or your mind or your heart or even how many hairs you have on your head, but God does. My love for you is because He first loved me.

I know who I was before I knew Him and I shudder at how lost I realize now I had been. We are all broken, we all need a savior. We have one. I know Him.

Are there any who understand, any who seek?

I saw this little poem posted on a discussion board in a Facebook group, and this is how I responded. (The poem is in bold, my own comments are italicized.))

There are only two things to worry about.

Either you are well or you are sick.
Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
Except that no one is well.
No one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the (moral) law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.

But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about.
So then, we are all sick. We are saturated in sin.
Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, "The righteous will live by faith."

Either you will get well or you will die.
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ. He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities. The punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But all die. All die because all sin. Do you know anyone who has lived forever? I know One.
To you, Lord, I called, I cried for mercy: What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

If you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. In Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.

Either you will go to heaven or hell.
Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment is coming very soon. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water.

If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.
He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels.

But if you go to hell, you'll grab a beer and meet up with your friends once you get there!
Everything you consider good (fun/comforting/pleasant) does not exist in hell. There are no friends, there is no beer. There is no life, only perpetual death.
I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. If anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.


The Lord looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God.

Nebuchadnezzar, the ruler of Babylon - literally the ruler of all the world, came to know the Lord only after God "wooed him with suffering," as they say.

"Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and extol and honor the King of heaven, for all his works are right and his ways are just; and those who walk in pride he is able to humble."

But why.... would He want me?

Q: "I've heard that God loves me, more than enough times. But that doesn't make sense. If he actually knows everything, then he knows everything I've done. And he can't possibly want anything to do with me. If anyone should be destined for hell, it's me."

When you say you'd be the first person to go to hell - I know the feeling. I should, based on what I've done in my life, be the last person allowed anywhere near a holy God, let alone to call Him Father. The Apostle Paul said the same thing (the same guy who wrote most of the New Testament letters)

"Here's a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I'm proof - Public Sinner Number One - of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off - evidence of his endless patience - to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever."

The thing about us, as people, is that we have ALL sinned - every single one of us. Though from our human perspective, its easy for us to start comparing ("Yes I stole a sweater, but that guy in jail stole a car!") but to an almighty and purely good God, all sin is sin. It's all completely contrary to who He is by nature. Jesus Himself said that if you think lustfully about someone, you've already committed adultery; if you think of someone with anger and resentment, its as though you've committed murder. By those standards, it seems that we all deserve the death penalty - I have yet to meet someone who has never lied, cheated, stolen, lusted, envied, etc... and I know I never will. (Ok, well - until I go to heaven to be with Him at least)

That's exactly it. None of us is worthy, in any capacity, of the love that was so generously poured out for us. None of us had any hope of approaching a holy God with our sin-saturated selves. But because of His love, His GREAT love, He chose to suffer and die on our behalf, even though we were the ones who deserved it. And because He is the only one who had never sinned (not once, not a little bit) and didn't deserve even a moment of that punishment, He rose from death. And when we know Him, He takes our record with red ink all over it, and trades us for His clean record.

'Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, "The righteous will live by faith."' (Gal. 3:11)

But why.... does evil exist?

Q: "I know you say God is good, but there is so much bad in this world. It makes no sense why he would allow it if he's really in control. If he hates sin so much, why does he let people sin?"

A: Every good and perfect gift is from above. God is good to a degree that we can't fathom because no one and nothing else is so good. So its hard to understand why there is so much bad in this world, right?

It's about choice. Free will. You want Him to stop people from doing what they're doing - but do you want Him to stop you from doing what you're doing? Do you want Him to take control over you and make you like a robot?

And if you were a robot, capable only of doing exactly what He wanted you to do, where would the joy come from His having a relationship with you? Forced love is not love at all. He created you to know you, and even though we've messed that up royally, he took on our punishment because He wants so much to have a relationship with us.

So yes, He allows evil and sin. But all things are for His glory, and seeing how distorted the world is just shows the contrast between a holy God and a sinful human race.

The fact that you even recognize the difference between good and evil is yet another indication of who God is and that we are created in His image. Had we not been made in His image, we'd have no concept of it. Animals don't know morals. Animals know instincts and patterns. But human beings innately have a moral code written into their makeup. Sure, people break this code regularly (again, sin) but its not because they don't know its wrong. They either have to justify why it was a special circumstance, or make an argument (even just to themselves) that what they did wasn't really breaking the code. Either way, they are still naturally aware that there is a code to be broken - each of us has a conscience.

All That Matters Now

how many roads did i travel
before i walked down one that led me to you?
and how many dreams did unravel
before i believed in a hope that was true?
how long? how far?
what was meant to fulfill only emptied me still
and all you ever wanted....

only me
on my knees
singing holy, holy
and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy, holy

how many deaths did i die
before i was awakened to new life again?
how many half truths did i bear witness to
'til the proof was disproved in the end?
how long? how far?
what was meant to illuminate only shadowed me still
and all you ever wanted...

only me
on my knees
singing holy, holy
and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy, holy

and all i have is gratitude to offer you
you are holy

-Nichole Nordeman

Introducing the Truth

We've got a false Jesus being portrayed. I've seen him on TV, acting cool - you see, he's changed - this different Jesus than from the Bible. So allow me to bring the real Christ on the stage. Not that whack Jesus, the one not-based-on-fact Jesus, too often displayed. The Christ in glory, not the one that leaves his Father dismayed. I mean the real Jesus, that only dwells in the saved.

So allow me to paint the picture of Christ in the Scriptures, preaching the faith and repentance that your too-cool Jesus never seems to mention. It seems like he's fine with all the things that you do, but come on - there's only one Jesus that is true. Which one will you let reign over you? Who? The millionaire Jesus, who just wants to make you rich? Give you some money and fame to prove that you are blessed? The Kanye West Jesus who walks with no holiness? Which one will you choose?

I think it's long overdue to have a reintroduction of Christ, so there won't be any confusion as to which one is right - because one leads to death, and the other is life. Allow me to reintroduce Christ - he's been distorted by the people and it's just not right. He's not someone you can pimp around to propel your cause, or a name for you to proclaim to cover up your flaws.

Look, if this is you then you're serving a different boss, your Christ is an idol, and you're probably lost - because the Christ in the Scriptures gave a call to forsake all, not to wear a cross but to take up your cross and follow him. We were holding a death sentence because of our sin, and it's his mercy that his wrath hasn't burned times ten. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah but a curse within. You see, he gives us a chance to learn of him so that he can be glorified in his rightful place. So if we're serving this imitation Jesus, its like a blatant slap in the face, distorting his grace and disregarding his sacrifice. Like the Purpose Driven Jesus, who prophecies you'll be used by him before you're given new life. Or the SAT Jesus, who helps you on all your tests and quizzes, gets you into college, allows you to pass math and physics. Or the homosexual Jesus who doesn't see you sinning. Which one will you choose?

So I think it's long overdue to have a reintroduction of Christ, where there won't be any confusion as to which one is right, because one leads to death and the other is life. Allow me to reintroduce the Christ - not someone where we can cover his mouth, so we can continue to indulge in our dirt, as if he doesn't require us to repent from all sin, to be born again, to never blend in. This world is a material girl, she's got you seduced, she feeds you phony Jesus that doesn't want to save you from your sins but just wants to hang out with you - like "Jesus is my homeboy" or "Jesus got me employed" or "Jesus is my decoy."

Would the real Jesus please stand up? The one who is true? Because he's been pushed down and these idols have been elected up to the point where if the real Jesus came back right now, some would probably hang him upside down on one of these beams and crucify him again, because he's not down with their sin. It hurts me to see how his own people will defend their lifestyle. Don't we want to know Christ? The one who willingly gave his life? Who sets us free from our sin, you see? And I must do this by any means necessary, and never hide the light. So tonight, I'm going to introduce Jesus Christ. He's been distorted by the people and it's just not right.

And one day he is coming back, and its important that you recognize him, because the Scriptures talk about that. There will be many who say they are Jesus, but which one is fact? You've got to look in the Bible to see about that - that he's coming on the clouds with power and glory, and every knee will bow and testify to his authority. So the Jesus of the Scriptures better take priority - not the one that's excepted easily by the majority, when he himself said the world would hate him. So why all of a sudden does the world want to date him?

Hopefully you haven't given into this come-as-you-are/stay-as-you-are Jesus, this "He has this wonderful plan for my life" Jesus, the "you don't need repentance" Jesus, the all-roads-lead-to Jesus. I hope you haven't given into this, but that you serve the one who is holy, because it would be something if on Judgment Day, the Jesus you've been serving was falsely an angel of light, which covered a legion of demons masquerading as Christ. All this time serving a Jesus who's not been pierced in his feet and his wrists, has no sword coming out of his mouth, no rod of righteousness - and go on day by day and willingly miss him, when it turns out you were serving a created image headed straight for the abyss.

Let's get into Scripture, so we're not fooled by this Jesus who when we're sinning, he stands by us quiet. Giving into this Jesus that the world loves - the Jesus who is cool with your lies and sex and vanity and phony love - and all the things that caused Christ in the Scripture to shed blood. Let's make sure we're serving the right Christ, not a wolf in sheep's clothing that's got you enticed.

The true one. The wants-to-make-you-new one. The only begotten Son.

-Blair Wingo
http://www.p4cm.com

Leaving the City of Regret

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. I'm talking about my annual "Guilt Trip."

I got tickets to fly there on Wish-I-Had Airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my baggage, which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been. No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say international because people from all over the world come to this dismal town.

As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting this year's more important event, the Annual Pity Party. I wasn't going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the town's leading citizens would be there.

First, there would be the Done family - you know, Should Have Done, Would Have Done, and Could Have Done. Then came the I Had family. You probably know Wish I Had and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost.

The biggest family would be the Yesterdays. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share.

Then Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It's Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life. Each story would be loudly applauded by Don't Blame Me and I Couldn't Help It.

Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occured to me that the remainder of this trip and subsequent "pity parties" could be canceled by ME. I started to realize that I did not have to be there. I didn't have to be depressed.

One thing kept going through my mind. I CAN'T CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE TODAY A WONDERFUL DAY. I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging. Knowing this, I left the City of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address. Am I sorry for the mistakes I've made in the past? Yes! But there is no physical way to undo them.

So, if you're planning a trip back to the City of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now. Instead, take a trip to Starting Again. I did, and I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myselfs and the New Starts, are very helpful. By the way, you don't have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival.

God bless you in finding this great town. If you can find it - it's in your own heart - please look me up! I live on I Can Do It St.



- by Larry Harp

He Does Love You.

Water From The Rock

I was saying last night, I've been pleading with God to show me what His will is in a way I can recognize, because I think I'm so caught up in what I want that I can't tell what He wants. Even after a few pretty obvious signs yesterday, I think my heart wasn't in the right place to internalize them.

We went to church tonight, and the message was focused around being involved in their series of outreach projects during the summer, which is called Go. Todd, the church's lead pastor, was telling us why we give ourselves away. Sometimes in our lives, we get so caught up in what we're doing that we completely lose sight of the plot. It's easy to forget the reasons why. His example was going to church; we go to honor and praise the Lord. So we go for an hour and a half each week, and we spend a lot of it singing songs of worship to Him. But the real worship is not as much in song as it is in life. When we reach out to those who are struggling, forget our own worries and comforts and details, and focus our energy on helping someone who needs it more than we do, we are worshiping Jesus in our actions. It's easy to go through the motions. We experience actual growth when there is love and praise behind them.

He talked about how easy it is to be so directed on figuring out ourselves from the inside that we can't even hear God when he speaks to us. Sounds familiar. We can spend so much time and energy scrutinizing every one of our thoughts and misguided actions and wondering what on earth it is that we are supposed to be doing, when the answer could be sitting right in front of us, staring us in the face. It takes a tremendous amount of faith and submission to trust that the Lord sees even when we can't, and to stop trying to plan everything for ourselves. It really spoke to me.

He first referenced Psalms 95:6-9, describing a flock of sheep; a species of animal that we know is 100% dependent on being guided and taken care of. There are so many factors out there that would threaten their wellbeing that sheep couldn't survive in the wild on their own.
Neither can we.

Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the Lord our maker,
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.

Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,
where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.

He explained that Meribah and Massah were alters that Moses had set about as he led the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt. It was custom to set up an alter at a place where the Lord had done something incredible. But Meribah and Massah were not the common alter; they didn't honor God. They represented a spot where the people had quarreled and doubted God and tested Him when their own earthly needs were not immediately met.

As Moses was rescuing the Israelites from Egypt and lives of slavery as the Lord had led him to do, they became thirsty walking through the desert. Though they were assured that there was a much better life up ahead, they lacked the faith to believe that. They complained to Moses, to a point of wanting to turn around and go back to being slaves in Egypt, where at least they had water to drink. He asked them, "Why do you put the Lord to the test?" (Exodus 17:2) And when Moses cried out to Him and asked what he was to do, God showed him a rock that he could strike and water would pour out for them to drink. Even after such a miracle, these blind wanders asked him, "Is the Lord among us or not?" (Exodus 17:7)

The first thought, of course, is how could the Israelites stand there and witness such incredible miracles, and STILL doubt the existence of God and all the blessings he had in store for them? Todd described how they could still be so skeptical as spiritual Alzheimer's. It goes beyond a loss of memories from specific events and to a broader way of being where one's loss of faith becomes so all-consuming that no matter what they see or hear, their heart is too hardened to be able to witness it. They are constantly demanding Him to "prove it." No matter how much lays ahead for them and what plans the Lord has for them, they are of so little faith that they would rather turn and go back to their own Egypt (which could be anything from an empty heart, bad habits, unsuccessful relationships, substance abuse) than to submit themselves to His will and trust that He will lead them to something immensely better in the long run.

I felt as though something had woken up inside of me.

On my drive home, I was listening to The Fish 95.9 as usual, and when a song I love came on the radio, it occurred to me that I never listen to all the lyrics.

I'm waking up
The world is turning
The sun is shining again
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door
And I'm going home

Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me I'm
So much more
When I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

Take me into Your arms
My home lies within Your heart

After the message tonight and hearing that song, I realized I really am holding on to things I shouldn't. I've been trying to go back to my Egypt because it seems safer than blindly following where God leads me. I was so set on having it my way that I wouldn't let God speak to me. There's one thing I've been milling over in my head, though; how it could really have been only meant for a short time, yet we had all this amazing chemistry and connection?

I'm still going to have sad feelings, but my focus has shifted. It isn't where He is leading me. I want to devote my energy and my heart to being a servant of God. He will take care of the rest.

Lord, I don't always understand.

I find myself praying in the car a lot. I think it's because its one of the few times during my day that I'm alone and I can have quiet. I also tend to think a lot while I'm driving. Add to that the fact that I always listen to Christian radio in the car, and I commute 40 minutes to work everyday, and you can probably understand why my drive is always God-focused.

I left work today and was driving straight to my ex's apartment, because I told him I would cat-sit while he was away for the weekend. I was driving towards the city he lives in, and as I got closer, I got more sad. I turned off my music and started to pray. I asked... no, begged... the Lord to bring him back to me. I said I knew that it wasn't up to me and that was an unfair request, and if it wasn't right, if it really wasn't His will, to give me a strong sign that it wasn't what was meant for us, beyond him being stubborn. It's hard to decipher signs from God vs someone taking things into their own hands, due to fear or insecurity or whatever else it could be.

I got to his house and opened the door to find the two lonely kitties, being extra affectionate. He'd told me they don't need much help; a big bowl of food and water lasts them days; but that he'd like it if I could go and hang out with them a little. So I got to his apartment, made sure they had enough food, and snuggled with them on my lap for a bit.

The apartment was messy as usual. I was drawn back to the days when we were amazing together, and I loved doing things for him. I tidied up a bit. Remembering why I had come, I wanted to spend more attention on the kitties, and scooped one up and put him on my lap while I went on his computer, which had been left on, to check in with Myspace and Facebook. Right away I noticed a "Notepad" document, open . It was a letter, penned (my best guess) to his ex-fiance about how much he misses her and how he hasn't changed, but he needs to. I was crushed.

Why did he leave that open when he asked me to go hang out at his apartment while he's away on vacation? Was that a very unfortunate coincidence? A dumb mistake? A sign from God? Or a glaring message from him to me that it's really over? Or, as the 1% of me wonders, was it written to me, to tell me that he misses me? I know in my heart it wasn't for me, but the 1% still gnaws at me.

It really upset me. I pet the kitties a bit more, made the bed (why my servant's heart always gets the best of me, I'll never know), cleaned out the litter box, and drove home distraught. Hadn't I just asked God for such a sign? Here it was, staring at me from his desktop, or at least one could presume, and I was still unable to accept it or believe it.

I got to my house, and needed to get ready to go out for my co-worker's birthday. I haven't been out with "the girls" minus a love interest since I came to know God, and to be honest, getting ready (ie putting on a lot of makeup and a showy outfit) didn't feel right at all. I kept looking in the mirror and feeling as though I wasn't honoring God, but very much the opposite. But being the strong-willed girl that I am, now even more determined to have a good time, I swallowed those feelings and pushed them as far down as I could. I was thinking about where we were going, and remembered a guy who was a friend of one of my ex's co-workers that we used to go out with. He was really funny and cool to go out with, but always seemed unnecessarily flirty with me... even in front of my guy.

So, in a moment of sheer weakness of heart, I guess with the desire to assert the fact that I can shut off my feelings just the same, I went on to Myspace with the intention of emailing him and telling him if he wanted to meet up with me, he should text me, and my cell phone number. But as I signed on, my brand-new laptop instantly shut itself down, out of the blue. It's never done that.

So.... apparently I wasn't supposed to email him. Got it.


Lord... I don't always understand you.Please help me understand! I know that's because I keep trying to live off my own free will. I know deep down that won't work. I know in the long run it's all up to you and I need to learn how to accept that. Please help me to see more clearly what your path is. I'm down here, waiting, listening for you. I'm begging you to speak to me. I need to know what you want. I love you with all my heart and I want to do right by you. Please show me what that is. I have no wish but to know and abide by your will. Mine is so strong that yours is hard to see. Help me see it, Lord. Please help me. Amen.