One year later...

Sometimes, when I'm grumpy or down in the dumps, my husband suggests we play what he calls the "Blessings Game." This means that we take turns thanking God for things. Invariably, its difficult for me at first because I stubbornly want to sulk, but eventually it turns my mood around and puts my heart back in the right place - thanking the One who is worthy of praise no matter what is happening. But today I need no encouragement to play the Blessings Game. My heart is completely overwhelmed with praise!

Thank you Jesus!

... that I am even in the place to praise You, to talk to You, to know You. For new life, for life that lasts forever with You. For calling me out, picking me up, and placing me on solid rock that has held me steady through all kinds of storms and sunny weather alike.

... for reminding me to pray constantly over those years, for giving me all the strength and persistence neccessary to keep praying for him even in the face of hurt, rejection, discouragement, hopelessness, and exhaustion.

... for never giving up on Your lost sheep. For going and getting him from his dark pit and bringing him into the light. For giving him a brand new redeemed, restored life with You.

... for allowing me to witness (all at once!) years worth of tearfully fervent prayers get answered right before my eyes. For letting me be there to see You crumble a hardened heart and replace it with a heart of flesh.

... for remaining so faithful to me and to Your perfect plan for us, even through my many periods of shameful faithlessness. For being so patient with me, and never letting me wander too far off course before calling me back and reminding me of the good You had in store.

... for Your promise that "the best is yet to come," and the peace that came from believing that. For all the wisdom and truth and confirmation I got from reading "Choosing God's Best." (Thank you Heather!) For blowing my mind one year ago today (and every day since) with what Your best really was, I never could have known it could have been THIS good. For reminding me still, through every trial we face together, that Your best is still yet to come.

... for how deeply You love us, how thoughtfully You created us individually and for each other, how closely You've knitted us together, how generously You provide for us in every possible way, and how carefully You carry us through.

... for giving him the strength to quit smoking cold turkey and a whole year without a single cigarette.

... for an incredible husband, best friend, lover, and leader who I get to look forward to seeing every single day. For a man who makes me laugh more than anyone, who loves me more than I deserve. For giving him all the words he needed to teach me about You when I didn't know a thing, and the perserverance to keep telling me even when I resisted.

... for how perfectly you've put together our story, so that we are an undeniable testimony to your power and love. For the ways that you've used our story to change other people's lives. For letting us be your witnesses. For using our history to confirm our future, for bringing us together in such a way that we will never be able to fool ourselves into thinking that this was not your perfect plan for us.

... for an incredible first year back together, the first of many.

... for the pastor, spiritual father and discipler who has spoken an incredible amount of truth and guidance and love into my life from day one. For giving me someone who didn't think I was crazy for believing what You had told me, who helped me pray for him, who walked with me and encouraged me all the way to the end of the aisle. For everything he's taught me and all the understanding of Your Word I've learned from him over the years that You remind me of whenever I am confused or unsure. Thank You for being so evident in him, for all the lives that he continues to influence with love and wisdom and patience.

... for being the God who is able to do abundantly more than we could ever ask for or imagine, and reminding me of that on such a consistent basis. For giving me more reasons to praise You than I could ever put down in words.

I will never run out of reasons to praise You - its a good thing I have the rest of eternity!

Resurrection of the Lord, of life, of love.

Today, Sunday April 4th is Easter. This day honors and exalts the day that our Lord, the King of Kings and Creator of the universe, defeated the undefeatable. In His perfect, spotless, sinless state, He beat death, He conquered the grave. He rose. And in dying first and then rising, He gives us each the opportunity to do the same - first to die to this world and all that it offers, and then to rise into life - real life, the life we were designed to live. Wholly, sanctified, and with our Designer. Set free from the weight of death, we rise into an everlasting life the moment that we believe and on into eternity. And one day, we will be raised physically to live forever with Him in His presence.

Today, Sunday April 4th also marks the 7th day of a most incredible, almost indescribable week. A week so unlike any other and so beyond human capability that it has clearly blossomed straight out of God's hand. This moves me to tears each time I pour my heart out in thanksgiving to it's Author. Today marks the end of a week watching life and love be raised out of death by the power of God.


(to be continued)

God is GOOD^nth

I know we'll all say (and believe that) "God is good," or "praise God!"

But its in the moments that I'm floored by His goodness, literally overwhelmed by how He can be SO good - I'm talking like ridiculously, beyond generously and incomprehensibly good - that I feel He deserves a description that we don't use often enough. Gloriously incredibly awesome beyond all reason? That will have to suffice I guess.

Lord, are you serious right now? I'm blown away, yet again. I've trusted and I continue to trust, and it hasn't always been easy, and you know that is an understatement. But then you show me how You ARE so faithful, so trustworthy. I knew these things, but I know them more and more personally and I just end up sitting here in awe. So thank you Lord, again and again, every day, always, forever.

It's no one but the Lord who can change a circumstance, a heart, a situation, a life, a direction, whatever... in a matter of moments. Father I pray that you continue in all that You are doing and bring glory upon glory to Your name in the biggest brightest way! Your ways, Your plan are so perfect! I love You!

A Form of Religion Without Any Power

We are called to worship God both in Spirit and in truth... Knowing the Power of His Resurrection Tim Keller "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:7-11 I was watching a documentary recently on PBS and there was a minister who was asked, "Do you believe Jesus was raised from the dead?" And he responded, "The purpose and the personality and the power that was in Jesus continues, so that today he is a risen and living presence and possibility." What was he saying? He was suggesting that the purpose of Jesus lives on but that he is still physically dead.

But if Jesus' example lives on while he is really dead, you can only know him as an example. You can't talk to him, and he can't talk to you. If Jesus is not really living, he is not a living force who can come in and intervene in your life. You will have a form of religion without any power. But on the other hand, it is also possible to be orthodox about your belief in the resurrection of Jesus, but if you've never had a profound experience of that resurrection, your own spiritual resurrection, then you have a form of religion without power as well. One one hand, the resurrection is a fact to be believed. On the other hand, it is an experience to connect with. If you have one without the other--if you believe in the resurrection as historical fact but never experience the resurrection personally, or if you think of the resurrection as a spiritual experience but don't believe it was a fact--you come out with a form of religion with no power. My question is: Do you know them both? Do you believe in the resurrection as a historical event, and have you also had that profound personal experience of spiritual resurrection? Christianity refuses to be stuck in either category. It is not all about rationality, nor is it all about spirituality. It's both. On one hand, Christianity is about beliefs, proposition, and ethics. But that's not enough. You have to experience him to know him. There has to be a real connection. And on the other hand, Christianity is not only a spiritual religion. It's not like Eastern religions with no rational content. Christianity has hard edges to it. It says, "This is true, and this is false. This will get you saved. This will get you damned. This actually happened."...

To be a Christian is not just to believe in a set of propositions. It is that, but it's much more. It is to say, "I count everything as loss or rubbish in comparison to my number one ambition, which is to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering." Paul is saying that if you understand the doctrine of the resurrection you don't just believe, you have a passion. When I talk about having a passion for Christ, it might make you afraid that I mean you need to be a fanatic. Maybe you think, I had an aunt like that. All she did was talk about religion and the Bible and made everybody sick of it. That's not what we're talking about when we talk about a passion for Christ. It's like my glasses. I don't spend all my time looking at and talking about my glasses. But I do spend all my time seeing everything through my glasses. And if my relationship between my and my glasses gets off, if they get too far down on my nose or get too dirty, it affects my perception of everything. Likewise, a person with a passion for Christ is not necessarily always talking about Christ, but is looking at everything through Christ....

(This is an excerpt from the book Jesus, Keep Me Near The Cross: Experiencing The Passion And Power Of Easter.)

The Temple Mount Faithful

The following are excerpts from a statement released by an organization called The Temple Mount Faithful - a group Jews passionate about the 3rd rebuilding of the Temple happening now.

Be'esrat HaShem
With the help of G-d

The Temple Mount Faithful will march to the Temple Mount during Pesach, 1st April 2010, with the demand from the G-d and people of Israel: "Build the Temple of G-d now!"

The Temple Mount Faithful and Land of Israel Movement will march during Pesach, 1st April 2010, atop the Holy Temple Mount, calling to the Israeli government: "The G-d and people of Israel demand you to BUILD THE TEMPLE OF G-D NOW! There is no need to wait for the coming of the Messiah Ben David as He will come only when the Arab-Islamic enemy that desecrates G-d's Holy Hill is removed and the Temple is rebuilt. Do not fear any of your enemies. Trust in the G-d of Israel and His promises to His people at this critical time of the redemption of Israel."

The march will start at 11:30 am from the Jaffa Gate of the old biblical city of Jerusalem. At this place we shall demonstrate against the pressure coming from all the world, especially from the president of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama... We shall call to President Obama and to all of the others: "Take your hands off Jerusalem and the Holy Land of the G-d and people of Israel." We shall warn them with the Word of G-d:

"For, behold, in those days, and in that time, when I shall bring back the captivity of Judah and Jerusalem, I will also gather all nations, and will bring them down into the valley of Jehoshaphat, and will enter into judgment with them there for my people and for my heritage Israel, whom they have scattered among the nations, and have divided up my land. And the L-rd roars out of Zion, and utters his voice from Jerusalem; and the heavens and the earth shake; but the L-rd will be a shelter for his people and a stronghold for the children of Israel. So shall you know that I am the L-rd your G-d dwelling in Zion, my holy mountain: then shall Jerusalem be holy, and no strangers shall pass through her any more." Joel 4:1,2,16,17

During this past week in the Old City of Jerusalem, Israel dedicated the Hurva Synagogue that was destroyed twice by the Arabs in the 18th century and again in 1948 and has recently been rebuilt. During the dedication, the Chief Rabbi of Israel, Rabbi Yona Metzger, stated that 'Israel does not want to rebuild the Temple'. This statement -- which does not represent the deep desire, the prayers and the decision of the people of Israel since the destruction of the Temple in 70 CE -- has raised-up great opposition in Israel today.

When we shall arrive to the Hurva Synagogue, whose rebuilding symbolizes the rebuilding of the Holy Temple of G-d, we shall read the Word of G-d especially to Rabbi Metzger and to the ears of Israel and the entire world:

"Thus speaks the L-rd of hosts, saying, This people say, The time is not come, the time that the L-rd's house should be built. Then the word of the L-rd came by Haggai the prophet, saying, Is it time for you, yourselves, to dwell in your well timbered houses, whilst this house lies waste? Thus speaks the L-rd of hosts, saying, This people say, The time is not come, the time that the L-rd's house should be built?. Thus says the L-rd of hosts; Consider your ways, Go up to the mountain, and bring wood, and build the house; and I will take pleasure in it, and I will be glorified, says the L-rd." (Haggai 1:2-4, 7)

... The Temple Mount and Land of Israel Faithful Movement will call from the Holy Temple Mount to everyone in Israel and the entire world to stand and to help the Faithful Movement of G-d in every way to immediately change this shameful situation on the Temple Mount and to immediately build the Holy Temple of G-d atop Mt. Moriah, the Holy Temple Mount of G-d in Jerusalem. Everyone is invited to participate in this extremely important, historical and godly event.

In G-d we trust!!

- The Temple Mount and Land of Israel Faithful Movement


For the full article, please click here.

Because I Love Her...

I made her... she is different. She is unique. With LOVE I formed her in her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the day I created her. (Psalm 139: 13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh. And the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her. (Psalm 139: 1-6)

I made her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain....I wanted her to search out her heart and learn that it would be me in her that would make her beautiful... and it would be ME in her that would draw friends to her. (1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way that she would need me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be... Only because I need for her to learn to depend on me... I know her heart, I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget me - her Creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things... because I love her. Because I love her, I have also broken her heart... and the tears she has cried alone I have cried with her, and had a broken heart too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not hold my hand. So many lessons she's learned the hard way because she would not listen to my voice. (Isaiah 41:13)

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone, only to watch her return to My arms, sad and broken. (Isaiah 65:2)

And now she is mine again...I made her, and then I bought her... Because I love her. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her... to renew her for what I have planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image... this high goal I have set for her, because I Love Her. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

But why.... does evil exist?

Q: "I know you say God is good, but there is so much bad in this world. It makes no sense why he would allow it if he's really in control. If he hates sin so much, why does he let people sin?"

A: Every good and perfect gift is from above. God is good to a degree that we can't fathom because no one and nothing else is so good. So its hard to understand why there is so much bad in this world, right?

It's about choice. Free will. You want Him to stop people from doing what they're doing - but do you want Him to stop you from doing what you're doing? Do you want Him to take control over you and make you like a robot?

And if you were a robot, capable only of doing exactly what He wanted you to do, where would the joy come from His having a relationship with you? Forced love is not love at all. He created you to know you, and even though we've messed that up royally, he took on our punishment because He wants so much to have a relationship with us.

So yes, He allows evil and sin. But all things are for His glory, and seeing how distorted the world is just shows the contrast between a holy God and a sinful human race.

The fact that you even recognize the difference between good and evil is yet another indication of who God is and that we are created in His image. Had we not been made in His image, we'd have no concept of it. Animals don't know morals. Animals know instincts and patterns. But human beings innately have a moral code written into their makeup. Sure, people break this code regularly (again, sin) but its not because they don't know its wrong. They either have to justify why it was a special circumstance, or make an argument (even just to themselves) that what they did wasn't really breaking the code. Either way, they are still naturally aware that there is a code to be broken - each of us has a conscience.

The Hurva Synagogue ---> Third Temple construction?

If you're someone who's interested in eschatology, you may find these things interesting.

I was reading about the Hurva synagogue (go here: Bible Prophecy in the News) which was dedicated today. A few different Jewish websites were talking about how significant it is, and how its resuscitation had brought about a revival in the Jewish faith... interesting right? And what is even more interesting: it was prophesied that upon completion of the third rebuilding of the Hurva Synagogue, the third temple would immediately begin construction. Crazy!

And on top of that, tomorrow is the (1st annual) International Temple Mount Awareness Day. It's also Rosh Chodesh Nisan - that marks not only the first day of the year and the first day of nisan, but also the day that the tabernacle in the desert was dedicated and the Shechina glory rested in the tabernacle.Nisan itself is seen as a month with a significant theme - new beginnings, rebirth, renewal, and redemption (it is the month that the Jews were brought out of Egypt, as well as the month that has Passover - the foreshadow of Christ's sacrifice on our behalf).

As the Temple Institute says on their website:

"Nisan is the month of Redemption, the month in which our forefathers were redeemed from Egyptian bondage. But the month is called so not only because of the upcoming Festival of Passover and our ancestors' passage from slavery to freedom. Tradition teaches that in the future, as well, the great and final redemption will take place in Nisan."

On a Jewish website where I found the info about Rosh Chodesh Nisan, they said that this day in the Hebrew calendar is specifically associated with this verse from Song of Solomon -

"May my Beloved come to His Garden, and eat of its Delightful Fruit - I have come to My Garden, My Sister, My Bride."

It seems that it is a pretty significant day. I'm not claiming anything big is going to happen. But its certainly something to consider... (Lord, come!)

Who do you say I am?

¹ Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would
have thought God's saving power would look like this?

^2-6The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him.

^7-9He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.

¹⁰Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he'd give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

^11-12Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

- Isaiah 53 (written approx. 700 years before the birth of Jesus)

Fast forward to approx. 33 AD. Before Jesus was convicted, he was brought before the council to be questioned, but he knew that they had already made up their minds. They said, "If you are the Christ, tell us." But he said to them, "If I tell you, you will not believe, and if I ask you, you will not answer. But from now on the Son of Man will be seated at the right hand of the power of God." (Luke 22)

And they beat him, scourged him, crucified him, and buried him. And after rising three days later, he appeared to his disciples. He said to them, "So thick-headed! So slow-hearted! Why can't you simply believe all that the prophets said? Don't you see that these things had to happen, that the Messiah had to suffer and only then enter into his glory?" Then he started at the beginning, with the Books of Moses, and went on through all the Prophets, pointing out everything in the Scriptures that referred to him. (Luke 24)

Who do you say he is?

So Tired of the Middle

Living life in the middle has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. I've been reassessing a life that has scooted too close to complacency. The same life laid down for the One I love is desperately thirsty for a drink of Living Water. My daily prayer is that God would stir up my embers, and get my fire roaring again.
I read a book recently called "Crazy Love." Its one of those books that you get so into that you believe everyone you know, no matter what situation they are in, needs to read it.
I've been packing and listening to music, thinking, praying; this song came on, and sums up my heart better than I could.



Somewhere In The Middle - Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle


"A man by his sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God. This is man's greatest tragedy and God's heaviest grief." -AW Tozer



A godly man reminded me today that to not be satisfied with whatever we've been given is to sin, and likewise to not follow where God leads, and instead choose what is safe and comfortable is sin.

I'm challenged to put on my blindfold and listen to His voice lead me through whatever meadow or minefield he has for me.

Fears Left Unfixed

Daughter of Zion is lying crying in the mist
Morning light slips in, shifting through the darkness
Like a mourning wife reminisces, having visions of her long gone prince
Memories drip rain drops, tip towing emptiness
Intermixed with tears like fears left unfixed
Walls worn thin frozen fortress like dawn
Waiting for the sunrise of a day that got skipped
Like a life gone wrong wandering wilderness
Lovesick stripped abyss empty once luscious

-Matisyahu

Seeing Truth in Coincidences

It was on Sunday that I was strongly inspired to hold a garage sale this coming Sunday, to benefit the 40% of the world who does not have clean water (which is the leading cause of death above anything else). I knew it sounded crazy because it was such short notice, but I felt very compelled to do it now, before Christmas. I looked at my schedule and knew the only day possible was Sunday, December 21st.

Against my own judgment and the advice of friends and co-workers, I decided I would do it this Sunday. I felt very called to do anything I could to pull it together in one week, and I trust that if it is God's hand leading me towards that, that he will help make it happen.

I woke up this morning tired but looking forward to a much needed day off, so I could put up all my signs and finish distributing the flyers to the houses in my neighborhood. As I was lying in bed, I got the urge to look up scripture for 12/21.

12/21.... Garage sale to clear out our un-necessaries to benefit countless others who don't have nearly what we do. I challenged everyone to look at what they have and see what it is that they don't need.

Luke 12:21 "This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

And in context:

Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '

"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' "This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!

And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.

Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
(Luke 12:15-34)

Lord, I pray that you will open the hearts of the people I come in contact with, that they would see how extravagantly they live and how much excess they have to give. I pray Lord that their heart would break for the impoverished the way your's does, and that they would recognize how much of a difference they could make. I pray for their treasure to be in your kingdom and not in this world Lord. And I pray for sunshine on Sunday and an abundance of things to sell and people to buy them. I pray these things in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Once Was Lost, But Now I'm Found.

To step out of your comfort zone when you feel as though God has called you to something different takes a ton of trust and faith... in not only him, but in your own ability to know what his will is. There have been so many instances of this lately, and though they've been everything ranging from unusual to almost overwhelmingly intimidating, the Lord has again and again proven to be so completely faithful in leading me safely through and the outcome is better than anything I could have thought up or planned out myself.

So tonight, I had plans to hang out with a friend of mine in San Diego. The plan was to have a relaxed night at her house, which I was in the mood for, but when we talked this afternoon there was a possible change in plans that meant she would be coming up here instead, and we'd be going with some friends of hers I hadn't met, to a bar I haven't been to in a long time. I wanted to hang out with her and I didn't want to be a hassle, so I agreed, though it wasn't what I had hoped or planned for.

I came home from work and laid on my bed and thought up a slew of valid reasons why I wasn't going to go. Aside from my foul mood and lack of energy, I've made an intentional effort to step out of the drinking/bar scene recently, and I didn't feel the desire to be back there. But something in me told me I really needed to go, so I dragged myself off the bed and got ready. It didn't seem to make sense that God would call me to go out to a bar when he's called me to do very much the opposite. I didn't want to drink and wasn't in the mood to chat with new people, but cheered up when I met her friends and settled in. We had a nice conversation (and some delicious chicken strips) but honestly spent most of the time wondering why I had felt so strongly that I was called to be there. I started doubting my ability to "test and approve" what God's will is, and my own faith in myself.

It wasn't until we were paying our bill and getting ready to leave that whatever we were talking about reminded her friend (one who I had just met) of her roommate, and all the things she's struggling with and the mess she's in. Most of this girl's story could have been my own testimony. It hit me so hard to hear how broken she is, knowing exactly what that pain feels like. I knew I needed to do something, so when we walked to our cars I gave her my information and asked her to pass it on to her roommate.

I don't know if she'll give it to her or what her roommate's reaction will be, but I believe with all my heart that if there is anybody who can understand fully where she is and see her without condemnation, but with love and the knowledge that even the most broken heart can be put back together and the emptiest places can be filled, it's me. God doesn't waste anything, and he shows me constantly that even my most painful pieces have very important purposes.

See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.

In the same way
your Father in heaven
is not willing that any
of these little ones
should be lost.

Matthew 18:10-14

I started crying as soon as I got in my car (if you know me, you know the significance of tears) and I prayed for this girl the whole way home, and my heart just continues to break for her. I don't know her name or what she's doing right now (she's out of town), but I have a clear idea of what to pray for.

I would appreciate immensely if you would help me pray for her - that God would invade and fill in every part of her life; that he would heal and soothe all of the emotional and physical scars, that he would be her wall of fire and protect her from those influences that make her feel worthless and empty and encourage her to self destruct; that he would meet her in a tangible way right where she is that she couldn't avoid or deny; that he would speak to her in her dreams; that he would surround her with positive, loving and encouraging influences, who would show her how loved and valuable she is; that she would have the courage to contact and meet with me; and that the Holy Spirit would give me the right words and be a guiding presence in our interaction.

There are many more. I could go on. I can't describe how heavily this is on my heart.

For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.

Heavenly Father, you are so faithful in your promises and in your protection. I am so thankful for how you are continuously shaping me and giving me the courage to be obedient, even when I can't make sense of it or am overcome with fear and doubt. I know you don't give us more than we can handle, and I'm so thankful that you entrust me with so much. I am so grateful for this heart you've given me, and for the life you've led me through - each and every piece of it. You've gone before me Lord, and I trust you completely. Thank you for redeeming and renewing me the way you have and continue to. In Jesus' loving and forgiving name, Amen.

Floored.

I'll be completely honest with you and say that I envy those who can hear God's voice. I know he communicates with everyone in different ways, and (as of yet) that isn't how he speaks to me.

But at those times when he very directly speaks to me, I am no less floored. Often, it will be something that may seem common or trivial to those who weren't in on my prayers or thoughts. A sudden coincidence, and a very clear reminder of what is on my heart at the time. Or a song will come on the radio as I'm praying in the car, and the lyrics will clearly answer the questions I was asking him. And every time, the only thing I can do is sit in stunned silence and awe. It's very humbling to be addressed by the Holy King, no matter how it is that he speaks.

I had a moment like that a few minutes ago and was so moved by it that I knew I needed to write it down, because it's times like these that I like to look back on when I'm wondering where he is. As if he ever leaves.

For the backstory, please scroll down to the bottom of the post.

Here I am, just home from work and cranky and I sit down at my computer to check my email, all of these thoughts circling through my head - how I'll wait 'til I hear from him again to unload all these things on him, things I need that I'm not getting, and that I don't want to talk to him anymore and this isn't worth it to me. I'm sitting here almost looking forward to the moment that I can turn tables and make him feel as dispensable as he's made me feel.

I open my "Encouragement for Today" daily devotional from Christianity.com and again, sit here in awe and disbelief that still, that what God is still asking me for loud and clear is patience and perseverance. Even in the face of rejection. (God, you never did say it was going to be easy.) I'm floored.

Here it is, the answer to my questions, titled "Rejected Again?"

Now of course, there are two different dynamics here. There is the relationship side and the spiritual side. As far as a relationship is concerned, things are not good. But I have been telling God for 5 months that his sanctification is more important to me than our being together, and that is still true. God only knows why we've been put in each other's lives, but if I'm in his to help renew and restore his heart, it is disobedient to turn away when it gets hard.

And maybe through these things will come something stronger and more fruitful between us than whatever we could possibly have had before. Only time will tell that.

I do know I need to go about things very differently to preserve my own heart though.
Above all else, guard your heart; for it is the wellspring of life. (Prov. 4:23)

Lord, I know you never said it would be easy, but I know you won't test me beyond what I can bear. Lord help me to keep my eyes fixed on you as I walk with someone who is suffering and to release the heaviness in my own heart. Take away his heart of stone Lord and replace it with a heart of flesh. Give me the right words to speak Lord and the endurance and patience to keep going when I want to give up. Lord I ask also that you give me the courage to pray with him next time I see him. Thank you for the incredible transformation in him that you're already making and for the opportunity you give me to work for you. In Jesus' ever patient name I pray these things. Amen.



The Backstory: In the Spring I was dating this guy who I had an instant, crazy connection with and deep care for, and vice versa. Everything seemed as close to perfect as it could get and I never thought I would see the end of it. If you've read earlier posts, you'll remember that he's the one who taught me about God and the gospel and led me to Christ. Impactful, to say the least.

For reasons not totally understood by me, he went from hot to cold very soon after I became a Christian, which caused me a great deal of anxiety and heartbreak. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong and was consumed by it. As I soon learned, he was deep in a spiritual struggle, knowing what he should be doing and doing very much the opposite. Bad habits that he had repressed all returned to the surface. He drank a lot and smoked a lot and refused to come to church. He lost his convictions and gave up trying.

Every day as I sat in prayer, distressed and hurting, I asked God how he could be this way all of a sudden and what I should do. Even though I felt like the only answer was to break up with him, I kept getting this strong overwhelming feeling as I prayed that I needed to wait and to be patient.

And I tried. It was a month of his being completely shut down and my worrying before he broke up with me. I told him it didn't feel right, and about my prayers. He asked me later after he left if it still didn't feel right; it didn't. He said he'd be a fool not to listen to that, but it was never brought up again.

Over the past five months since we broke up, it was ugly. We saw each other a couple times and it was bad. Really crazy coincidences would happen all the time pointing right to him, and I tried to brush them off. My heart wouldn't heal, and I finally convinced myself that we really were never going to return to the way it was when we were happy. Nonetheless, I thought about him every day, and his heart and strength in the Holy Spirit was the only consistent thing I prayed for daily, even though he was harsh and critical and hurtful when we talked.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I saw him again and things seemed dramatically different. He had a gentleness about him again, and the kindness in his eyes returned. He was humble and respectful, and apologized for all the things he had done and said over that time. We were on the phone all night, talking about how we'd never been able to get over each other and he said it just hadn't been the right time. He told me again and again how much he needs me in his life, and that the people he's surrounded by lead him towards the sins he feels he can't escape. He said he needed my influence on his life, that although he as the man is the leader and the "head," that I am the neck, which supports and guides the head where to go.

We decided to be very intentional on taking it slow this time. We started seeing each other every few days, and it felt like he had become the incredible guy I first met again. All at once he quit smoking, cut down drastically on drinking, cleaned his apartment, and got his stuff together. I can't describe the joy of seeing a heart being restored after the hours and hours of tearful prayers and blessing my 'enemy.' In some ways it feels as though he was in my life to guide me spiritually, and now maybe I was there for him in the same way.

After a few weeks we made the mistake of getting too comfortable and saw each other a few days in a row. I think it freaked him out and he shut down, yet again. I thought to myself, "how can this be happening again??" Not only is it painful in a relationship, but it makes me feel devalued and broken. I knew I needed to do it differently.

So instead of worrying and asking what was wrong and pleading for time together thinking that was going to fix it, I left him alone. We didn't talk for days and when we did see each other again, it seemed like everything was back to normal. But, yet again, it seems that he's switched off and become selfish again, and it brings me right back to that anxious, hurt feeling I had before. I don't want anything to do with that. I can't do it again. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and pretend I don't want to talk to him for days at a time for fear that he'll become that person.

So all last night and all today I have been praying, asking God what to do, but thinking I knew full well what I needed to do. I've come up with all these conversations I wanted to have about how I deserve a lot better than this and that I don't want to have anything to do with him when he's like this. And those things are both true. But it was the way that I was planning it that I just realized is not the way God wants it. It was coming from anger and frustration.

God In Motion

As you know if you have been following for awhile, I started this blog the day after I attended ROCKHARBOR (and church, for that matter!) for the first time, met God very directly, and was instantly changed. I knew after such a powerful experience that I needed to document my walk in a new faith and the incredible things that were taking place in my life. My friend who had been at church with me that night asked if he could share what I had written, and of course I agreed, without knowing who he intended to send it to. He had sent it to a few pastors, some of which he knows from earlier in his life (like his youth pastor), and some who call ROCKHARBOR home, including our teaching pastor, who had given the sermon that first night... You can imagine my surprise!

Out of that initial connection have come a great many things. I have developed a fellowship with his youth pastor online. We've had some great conversations and I'm so thankful for how generously he shares his wisdom and faith whenever I have questions! When one of the pastors from ROCKHARBOR read it, he said it would be a good story for Motion. Neither of us knew what Motion was so we read some of it online. It's a bi-monthy magazine our church produces, which is filled with first hand accounts of how God is moving through ROCKHARBOR. (Check out the online archive here.) I fell in love with the rawness and honesty of the stories and how inspiring it was to see God impacting lives in all kinds of circumstances.

I continued reading it over the next couple months, and felt called to get involved, but I didn't know how to go about that. I've always loved to write and as a loving and devoted follower of Christ, it seemed like a great fit. I flipped to the back page to find the email address of the editor, and sent him a quick note asking if he needed any help. He told me there would be an open enrollment for the writing team soon, and we kept in touch through email for a few months until the time came for the informational meeting and a try-out assignment.

The assignment was to write our own Motion Life-Story; is a time when God transformed our lives, and who we had been before and how we were changed after. Though the past five months have provided endless options, my choice was obvious. I retold the story of my first night at church, and included a lot more honest background of who I had been before and who I am today. (Find the final edit below.)

I submitted my assignment last week and am now just waiting to hear back.

It's something I've been wanting to be involved in since I first read it and have spent the past few months hoping it would happen. I spent some good hours and a lot of energy on my try-out, and have relived some difficult memories in the process. And as much as it's something I've wanted to do, I'm not praying that I make it on the team anymore. My prayers now just ask that his will be done and that I go where I will be most beneficial to him.

I smile when I recognize God revealing himself in surprising ways, even during those times when I think I have everything figured out, and it becomes clear I don't. Its humbling to remember that, but there is so much comfort in knowing that he can see far beyond what I can, and knows and wants the best for me.

I have peace on the subject. I'm not worried about whether or not I'll make the writing team. Life happens, and its far from predictable. I trust that if writing for Motion is his will, it will happen. And if that isn't his will, he has something else up ahead for me. I know he called me there, but only time will tell why. Its exciting to see what God is going to do next.

Faith is not about looking before you leap and then deciding if you feel like jumping, but simply saying, "yes, Lord." No one knows better than he does, is more trustworthy, or loves us more.

So, with my eyes closed I say yes, Lord! Only time will tell where I'm going to land. I can't wait to see!


******************************************************************


And now, the story.

Looking Through God's Eyes

Growing up, I never knew God. I’m an only child of divorced parents, and while there was plenty of conflict between them, a lack of religion was one subject they agreed on. On one side I had my mom, a non-practicing Catholic, and on the other I had my dad, a non-practicing Jew.

I was raised to believe physical appearance the most important quality. It was clear from a young age that if there was something "wrong" with how you looked, you changed it, no matter what the cost. And I was far from of this idea of beauty. I was chubby. I had frizzy hair. I wasn't cute. I wasn't athletic. I wasn't popular. As I got older and became more aware of what I looked like versus what I was "supposed" to look like, my self-esteem plummeted. I came home in tears the day my first crush started dating my best friend. My consolation prize was getting my hair highlighted for the first time and new makeup. Whether it was intentional or not, the message was that if he hadn't picked me, I must not be pretty enough.

In high school my lack of confidence consumed me. I never had a boyfriend and it felt like I didn't deserve one. Despite education on eating disorders, at home I was told that it would be healthier for me to be anorexic than overweight. My mom promised she would quit smoking when I quit eating. By senior year, I was overcome by depression and severely limited what I ate. When I met my first boyfriend, it felt like a reward for my suffering. I was finally desirable to someone, and I made excuses for the way he treated me. So did my family.

When I got to college we broke up, and I started getting lots of attention I wasn't used to. It was a thrill to be found attractive, and I thrived on it. But no matter what, I still hated my appearance. Soon my craving for affection led me down a dark road. With everything I knew I couldn't distinguish the line between being wanted and being used. I convinced myself that my promiscuity was an expression of how free I was, when in reality it was a reflection of how broken my heart was. I ached for someone to love me, but I couldn't admit that to anyone, especially myself. Sex lost all meaning.

One summer, I moved next door to two guys who were best friends but polar opposites; Nick, the wild one who drank every night and slept around, and Peter, a sweet Christian guy who abstained from sex and alcohol all together. I fell for Peter instantly. I knew he would never want a girl like me, and I quickly cleaned up my act. I know it was God who was trying to pull me out of my emptiness, but I didn’t know it then.

Peter and I hung out all summer, but he didn’t how I felt about him. When he and my roommate started dating, I was crushed. At a party one night, and his best friend Nick started coming on to me. After too many drinks I went home with him, relieved to be wanted again. As the alcohol wore off I realized what I was doing and practically ran home. I tried to brush my teeth but I couldn’t even look in the mirror. I couldn’t fool myself anymore. I didn’t leave the house for three days, afraid that I’d see one of them.

A friend finally talked me into going out for lunch, but we didn’t get far. A few blocks from my house, another car ran through an intersection and hit me, totaling my car. We were relatively unharmed, although my face and chest were cut and burned from the airbag. In shock, we pushed the car to the side of the road and walked home, where I saw Nick washing his car outside. He looked at me, bleeding, and said nothing. The accident had shaken me, but that hurt much worse.

I’ve heard it said that car accidents are a wakeup call from God, but I didn’t see it like that. Not yet.

It was that afternoon that I made the choice to be abstinent until I was in a serious relationship. I told my friends, and they joked about it, thinking it would never last. But it did, and after two years of renewing my sense of what sex meant, I met someone who valued me far beyond how I valued myself. I poured my heart into it, but being unable to love myself also meant I didn’t know how to be loved by someone else. I never felt worthy of the way he felt about me, and after a few years it finally pushed us apart. I felt my world was crumbling all over again.

I knew I was missing something, though I wasn’t sure what it was. I casually dated some great guys but it never became serious. I was emotionally shut off. It felt good to be more independent but there was still an emptiness that I couldn’t explain. I still didn’t like anything about myself, and hoped for the day that someone would love me enough to fix that.

In the early Spring of 2008, I met someone different from anyone I had ever met. His relationship with God is the biggest part of his life. I had never wanted anything to do with that, but as he would talk something started stirring in me that I couldn’t explain. Having never been to church, I was too nervous to go, but I started listening to sermons on the ROCKHARBOR website. Any time I would read or talk or think about God, I would get this anxious, excited feeling in my heart, though I wouldn’t admit that it was having any effect on me. The relationship was short, but he left a lasting impression.

It was a Sunday afternoon in April when I realized I wasn’t apprehensive about going to church anymore. I asked a friend if I could go with him to the service at ROCKHARBOR that night, but I played it cool. I was afraid I wouldn’t feel anything, and I didn’t want to let anyone down.

The message that night was called Sex is Powerful. It was about how huge of an emotional connection sex is, why God calls us to wait until marriage, and no matter where we’ve been we have the opportunity to start fresh. God can redeem us. It helped me understand that even with the mistakes I had made, all the scars could be healed. I realized that it wasn’t enough to wait for a relationship to be serious, and I knew then I would wait until marriage.

Although I had felt good about being there, I was still so foreign to me. As we were shuffling out, my friend spotted a pastor he knows and I told him I would meet him in the lobby. As I walked out I caught a glimpse of Peter and Nick, the two friends I had lived next door to. Five years ago. 200 miles away from where I stood. The ones I hadn’t spoken to since.

I rushed back in to find my friend. Trembling, I gave him a 30 second synopsis of everything that happened years ago and since then. Shaking, we walked back into the lobby. They saw me and said hello, looking almost as surprised as I was. My heart raced. At that second everything clicked. I had no idea how I had ever been able to see the world and not see God in it. After a few minutes we went our separate ways. I didn’t say much the rest of the night, and as soon as I got home I wept for all the years I had felt lost and alone, because I wasn’t.

They say that the moment you die, your life flashes before your eyes. In those moments my old life ended, and it did. I saw God in everything. Every painful step of my journey made sense, and it didn’t hurt anymore. He was there with me in the lobby at ROCKHARBOR and He had always been, faithfully waiting until the moment I would realize that His love is the only love I need. He led me there to show me I had been redeemed. We can change our own minds, but only God is capable of changing our hearts.

The following Sunday on the way to ROCKHARBOR, my friend and I were going through an intersection a few blocks from his house when we were hit hard. It was almost identical to the accident I had been in five years before. But this time, as we stood on the sidewalk, relatively unharmed and watching the emergency vehicles swarm the scene, I had to keep myself from smiling. Because this time, I knew why I had made it out safely. I was overcome with peace and gratefulness.

God is continuously molding my heart and revealing to me the things that hold me back. As I gain greater understanding on what it means for my whole life to be an act of worship, I’ve realized that hating myself, one of God’s creations, is far from worshipful.

On the outside I’m the same person I was five months ago, but for the first time I can see myself through God’s eyes. I’ve finally learned to love myself just as He created me.

An Important Week - Ministry

I had a very important week last week. There were a few big milestones in my walk with Christ that I wanted to share. (I'm breaking it up in parts, it was getting too long!)


Ministry

First off, June 26th was Serve Day. If you're unfamiliar, Serve Day is one day out of the year that is meant to be a catalyst; to inspire and connect people with opportunities to dig in and get involved in the communities around them.

There are tons of things to choose from, ranging from beach clean-ups to serving food to the homeless. I read almost every opportunity on the list, and after much internal deliberation about if I was choosing for God's needs or choosing for my own comfort and desires, I picked a project connected with Walking on Water ministry, and did ministry (meaning walking around and talking to people, making connections, inviting them to a screening of a Christian surf movie, and passing out free dvds) at the US Surf Open in Huntington Beach.

Before, during, and even after, though exhausted, I was feeling guilty. I had reasoned with myself that God blesses us with different talents and we should use them to further His kingdom... so I figured I'm great at making conversation and connecting with people, and I'm outgoing, so that's the project I'm best suited for. But I felt like I had too much fun.

In hindsight, I think no matter what project people chose, they got tons of joy out of it after all. But I was doubting my reasons for choosing that opportunity, and feeling like I must have picked it because it was spending the day at the beach and it seemed easy. It was truly exhausting (being in the sun for 9 straight hours and approaching hundreds of people with the same friendliness and enthusiasm the whole time takes a lot out of you) but I prayed that Christ would soften the hearts of the people I connected with and that the materials we handed out would plant the seed in their lives. I was rejected by quite a few people, some even laughing and throwing away what I gave them in my plain view, but for every person that rejected me, there were 10 who seemed genuinely intrigued and open. I really did feel the Holy Spirit was assisting me in connecting with the people I talked to though.

A few days later, I was talking to my best friend, who said he hadn't wanted to tell me ahead of time because he didn't want to scare me, but he was really impressed and inspired by the fact that I picked the hardest opportunity on the list. Like I said, I had been feeling very much the opposite, but he told me that doing ministry that is talking directly to and connecting with non-believers is just about the hardest thing one can do. He said especially since I'm new in my faith, it was a huge step for me. It made me feel a lot more at peace with the situation.

Amazing Love

As I may have mentioned before, I love Rob Bell's videos.

I just watched one entitled "You," that ended with a great quote and such an important concept.

"Broken, flawed, vulnerable people like you and me are invited to be the hands and feet of a Jesus who loves us EXACTLY as we are, and yet loves us WAY too much to let us stay that way."

I was having a conversation tonight with a non-believer about what it was that happened 4 months ago and how it was that I came to believe in Christianity, as opposed to any other religion; as he described it, they're all "basically the same."

There are two parts to the answer, though. How I came to Christianity I've explain here before, but to really hone it down to a sentence, God had been giving me opportunities to see Him before, but he gave me an opportunity that was impossible not to see. And as I told him, once you open your eyes a bit to be able to see God, you realize it's impossible not to see Him everywhere, in everything.

As for the Why Christianity? question... To know that there is a God, and that God loves me so incredibly much, and will continue to love me that much no matter who I am or what I do, because He created me perfectly to be me, exactly as I am; well, how can one not find an immense and overwhelming peace in that? To know that in any struggle, God is there. With every good moment and low moment, God is there. Not only is He there, but He provides these things to me, the good AND the bad, as gifts. Everything is an experience that will shape and mold my heart into what He wishes for me, and even through the most difficult times, I can't help but be thankful for the life I've been given.

If there is anything I want to know how to do better, it's to be able to describe and demonstrate effectively the grace that I've gotten in my life, because it's given meaning to the word salvation. The Lord has filled a huge void in me that I hadn't even realized that I had. There is more power in truly knowing the love we have from the Creator of all things than in any amount of money or success or popularity or strength or any other worldly concept. I wish that everyone could feel what I feel.

I have a hard time understanding what is in another person's heart sometimes. A lot of the time I'm more confused by a fellow Christian than I am of a non-believer. I feel as though the majority of Christians I come in contact with go through the motions, or say the right words, or put the right bumper sticker on their car, but don't seriously know what it means to be a follower of Christ. Even something as simple as a question, like what are the 6 things you absolutely need in your life? It seems like for every Christian that lists God in one of their 6 (sometimes last! Can you imagine?) there are 15 who apparently don't think God ranks as highly as music, friends, or their cell phone. I can't begin to imagine their reasoning.

God gives us limitless opportunities to know Him, and it's up to us to extend our hand and our heart. But man, once you let Him into your heart, that all-consuming love makes anything possible.

Lord, your grace is just so amazing, and I am so in awe of the way you can change the hard heart of a stubborn girl like me. I know if you can break down my barriers, you can do it for anyone, and I just pray that other people will be able to get to know You the way I do. You make anything possible, I'm forever grateful for every step I take with you. My heart belongs to you Jesus and I only hope I can continue to be your voice and hands and feet so that others can be able to hang out in your kingdom and have the peace that I've come to know. There's no better place. In your name I pray. Amen.

Water From The Rock

I was saying last night, I've been pleading with God to show me what His will is in a way I can recognize, because I think I'm so caught up in what I want that I can't tell what He wants. Even after a few pretty obvious signs yesterday, I think my heart wasn't in the right place to internalize them.

We went to church tonight, and the message was focused around being involved in their series of outreach projects during the summer, which is called Go. Todd, the church's lead pastor, was telling us why we give ourselves away. Sometimes in our lives, we get so caught up in what we're doing that we completely lose sight of the plot. It's easy to forget the reasons why. His example was going to church; we go to honor and praise the Lord. So we go for an hour and a half each week, and we spend a lot of it singing songs of worship to Him. But the real worship is not as much in song as it is in life. When we reach out to those who are struggling, forget our own worries and comforts and details, and focus our energy on helping someone who needs it more than we do, we are worshiping Jesus in our actions. It's easy to go through the motions. We experience actual growth when there is love and praise behind them.

He talked about how easy it is to be so directed on figuring out ourselves from the inside that we can't even hear God when he speaks to us. Sounds familiar. We can spend so much time and energy scrutinizing every one of our thoughts and misguided actions and wondering what on earth it is that we are supposed to be doing, when the answer could be sitting right in front of us, staring us in the face. It takes a tremendous amount of faith and submission to trust that the Lord sees even when we can't, and to stop trying to plan everything for ourselves. It really spoke to me.

He first referenced Psalms 95:6-9, describing a flock of sheep; a species of animal that we know is 100% dependent on being guided and taken care of. There are so many factors out there that would threaten their wellbeing that sheep couldn't survive in the wild on their own.
Neither can we.

Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the Lord our maker,
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.

Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,
where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.

He explained that Meribah and Massah were alters that Moses had set about as he led the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt. It was custom to set up an alter at a place where the Lord had done something incredible. But Meribah and Massah were not the common alter; they didn't honor God. They represented a spot where the people had quarreled and doubted God and tested Him when their own earthly needs were not immediately met.

As Moses was rescuing the Israelites from Egypt and lives of slavery as the Lord had led him to do, they became thirsty walking through the desert. Though they were assured that there was a much better life up ahead, they lacked the faith to believe that. They complained to Moses, to a point of wanting to turn around and go back to being slaves in Egypt, where at least they had water to drink. He asked them, "Why do you put the Lord to the test?" (Exodus 17:2) And when Moses cried out to Him and asked what he was to do, God showed him a rock that he could strike and water would pour out for them to drink. Even after such a miracle, these blind wanders asked him, "Is the Lord among us or not?" (Exodus 17:7)

The first thought, of course, is how could the Israelites stand there and witness such incredible miracles, and STILL doubt the existence of God and all the blessings he had in store for them? Todd described how they could still be so skeptical as spiritual Alzheimer's. It goes beyond a loss of memories from specific events and to a broader way of being where one's loss of faith becomes so all-consuming that no matter what they see or hear, their heart is too hardened to be able to witness it. They are constantly demanding Him to "prove it." No matter how much lays ahead for them and what plans the Lord has for them, they are of so little faith that they would rather turn and go back to their own Egypt (which could be anything from an empty heart, bad habits, unsuccessful relationships, substance abuse) than to submit themselves to His will and trust that He will lead them to something immensely better in the long run.

I felt as though something had woken up inside of me.

On my drive home, I was listening to The Fish 95.9 as usual, and when a song I love came on the radio, it occurred to me that I never listen to all the lyrics.

I'm waking up
The world is turning
The sun is shining again
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door
And I'm going home

Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me I'm
So much more
When I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

Take me into Your arms
My home lies within Your heart

After the message tonight and hearing that song, I realized I really am holding on to things I shouldn't. I've been trying to go back to my Egypt because it seems safer than blindly following where God leads me. I was so set on having it my way that I wouldn't let God speak to me. There's one thing I've been milling over in my head, though; how it could really have been only meant for a short time, yet we had all this amazing chemistry and connection?

I'm still going to have sad feelings, but my focus has shifted. It isn't where He is leading me. I want to devote my energy and my heart to being a servant of God. He will take care of the rest.

Lord, I don't always understand.

I find myself praying in the car a lot. I think it's because its one of the few times during my day that I'm alone and I can have quiet. I also tend to think a lot while I'm driving. Add to that the fact that I always listen to Christian radio in the car, and I commute 40 minutes to work everyday, and you can probably understand why my drive is always God-focused.

I left work today and was driving straight to my ex's apartment, because I told him I would cat-sit while he was away for the weekend. I was driving towards the city he lives in, and as I got closer, I got more sad. I turned off my music and started to pray. I asked... no, begged... the Lord to bring him back to me. I said I knew that it wasn't up to me and that was an unfair request, and if it wasn't right, if it really wasn't His will, to give me a strong sign that it wasn't what was meant for us, beyond him being stubborn. It's hard to decipher signs from God vs someone taking things into their own hands, due to fear or insecurity or whatever else it could be.

I got to his house and opened the door to find the two lonely kitties, being extra affectionate. He'd told me they don't need much help; a big bowl of food and water lasts them days; but that he'd like it if I could go and hang out with them a little. So I got to his apartment, made sure they had enough food, and snuggled with them on my lap for a bit.

The apartment was messy as usual. I was drawn back to the days when we were amazing together, and I loved doing things for him. I tidied up a bit. Remembering why I had come, I wanted to spend more attention on the kitties, and scooped one up and put him on my lap while I went on his computer, which had been left on, to check in with Myspace and Facebook. Right away I noticed a "Notepad" document, open . It was a letter, penned (my best guess) to his ex-fiance about how much he misses her and how he hasn't changed, but he needs to. I was crushed.

Why did he leave that open when he asked me to go hang out at his apartment while he's away on vacation? Was that a very unfortunate coincidence? A dumb mistake? A sign from God? Or a glaring message from him to me that it's really over? Or, as the 1% of me wonders, was it written to me, to tell me that he misses me? I know in my heart it wasn't for me, but the 1% still gnaws at me.

It really upset me. I pet the kitties a bit more, made the bed (why my servant's heart always gets the best of me, I'll never know), cleaned out the litter box, and drove home distraught. Hadn't I just asked God for such a sign? Here it was, staring at me from his desktop, or at least one could presume, and I was still unable to accept it or believe it.

I got to my house, and needed to get ready to go out for my co-worker's birthday. I haven't been out with "the girls" minus a love interest since I came to know God, and to be honest, getting ready (ie putting on a lot of makeup and a showy outfit) didn't feel right at all. I kept looking in the mirror and feeling as though I wasn't honoring God, but very much the opposite. But being the strong-willed girl that I am, now even more determined to have a good time, I swallowed those feelings and pushed them as far down as I could. I was thinking about where we were going, and remembered a guy who was a friend of one of my ex's co-workers that we used to go out with. He was really funny and cool to go out with, but always seemed unnecessarily flirty with me... even in front of my guy.

So, in a moment of sheer weakness of heart, I guess with the desire to assert the fact that I can shut off my feelings just the same, I went on to Myspace with the intention of emailing him and telling him if he wanted to meet up with me, he should text me, and my cell phone number. But as I signed on, my brand-new laptop instantly shut itself down, out of the blue. It's never done that.

So.... apparently I wasn't supposed to email him. Got it.


Lord... I don't always understand you.Please help me understand! I know that's because I keep trying to live off my own free will. I know deep down that won't work. I know in the long run it's all up to you and I need to learn how to accept that. Please help me to see more clearly what your path is. I'm down here, waiting, listening for you. I'm begging you to speak to me. I need to know what you want. I love you with all my heart and I want to do right by you. Please show me what that is. I have no wish but to know and abide by your will. Mine is so strong that yours is hard to see. Help me see it, Lord. Please help me. Amen.

The Only Important Desire

I think the best way to be at peace with your life is to realize that it isn't up to you.

If your sole desire is to have a close personal relationship with God, it allows you to stop worrying about how things work out or if you're getting what you want. When you leave it up to God, you achieve freedom.

It's really hard to genuinely submit and trust that He will work everything out in the best possible way, but its the best way to release your heart from pain. He will. He knows best!



May God lead you to your happiness. <3