When I say I am a Christian...

When I say ..."I am a Christian,"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I was lost!"
That is why I chose this way."

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need someone to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are too visible but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches which is why I seek His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority, I only know I'm loved.

- Maya Angelou

A Form of Religion Without Any Power

We are called to worship God both in Spirit and in truth... Knowing the Power of His Resurrection Tim Keller "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." Philippians 3:7-11 I was watching a documentary recently on PBS and there was a minister who was asked, "Do you believe Jesus was raised from the dead?" And he responded, "The purpose and the personality and the power that was in Jesus continues, so that today he is a risen and living presence and possibility." What was he saying? He was suggesting that the purpose of Jesus lives on but that he is still physically dead.

But if Jesus' example lives on while he is really dead, you can only know him as an example. You can't talk to him, and he can't talk to you. If Jesus is not really living, he is not a living force who can come in and intervene in your life. You will have a form of religion without any power. But on the other hand, it is also possible to be orthodox about your belief in the resurrection of Jesus, but if you've never had a profound experience of that resurrection, your own spiritual resurrection, then you have a form of religion without power as well. One one hand, the resurrection is a fact to be believed. On the other hand, it is an experience to connect with. If you have one without the other--if you believe in the resurrection as historical fact but never experience the resurrection personally, or if you think of the resurrection as a spiritual experience but don't believe it was a fact--you come out with a form of religion with no power. My question is: Do you know them both? Do you believe in the resurrection as a historical event, and have you also had that profound personal experience of spiritual resurrection? Christianity refuses to be stuck in either category. It is not all about rationality, nor is it all about spirituality. It's both. On one hand, Christianity is about beliefs, proposition, and ethics. But that's not enough. You have to experience him to know him. There has to be a real connection. And on the other hand, Christianity is not only a spiritual religion. It's not like Eastern religions with no rational content. Christianity has hard edges to it. It says, "This is true, and this is false. This will get you saved. This will get you damned. This actually happened."...

To be a Christian is not just to believe in a set of propositions. It is that, but it's much more. It is to say, "I count everything as loss or rubbish in comparison to my number one ambition, which is to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering." Paul is saying that if you understand the doctrine of the resurrection you don't just believe, you have a passion. When I talk about having a passion for Christ, it might make you afraid that I mean you need to be a fanatic. Maybe you think, I had an aunt like that. All she did was talk about religion and the Bible and made everybody sick of it. That's not what we're talking about when we talk about a passion for Christ. It's like my glasses. I don't spend all my time looking at and talking about my glasses. But I do spend all my time seeing everything through my glasses. And if my relationship between my and my glasses gets off, if they get too far down on my nose or get too dirty, it affects my perception of everything. Likewise, a person with a passion for Christ is not necessarily always talking about Christ, but is looking at everything through Christ....

(This is an excerpt from the book Jesus, Keep Me Near The Cross: Experiencing The Passion And Power Of Easter.)

The Temple Mount Faithful

The following are excerpts from a statement released by an organization called The Temple Mount Faithful - a group Jews passionate about the 3rd rebuilding of the Temple happening now.

Be'esrat HaShem
With the help of G-d

The Temple Mount Faithful will march to the Temple Mount during Pesach, 1st April 2010, with the demand from the G-d and people of Israel: "Build the Temple of G-d now!"

The Temple Mount Faithful and Land of Israel Movement will march during Pesach, 1st April 2010, atop the Holy Temple Mount, calling to the Israeli government: "The G-d and people of Israel demand you to BUILD THE TEMPLE OF G-D NOW! There is no need to wait for the coming of the Messiah Ben David as He will come only when the Arab-Islamic enemy that desecrates G-d's Holy Hill is removed and the Temple is rebuilt. Do not fear any of your enemies. Trust in the G-d of Israel and His promises to His people at this critical time of the redemption of Israel."

The march will start at 11:30 am from the Jaffa Gate of the old biblical city of Jerusalem. At this place we shall demonstrate against the pressure coming from all the world, especially from the president of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama... We shall call to President Obama and to all of the others: "Take your hands off Jerusalem and the Holy Land of the G-d and people of Israel." We shall warn them with the Word of G-d:

"For, behold, in those days, and in that time, when I shall bring back the captivity of Judah and Jerusalem, I will also gather all nations, and will bring them down into the valley of Jehoshaphat, and will enter into judgment with them there for my people and for my heritage Israel, whom they have scattered among the nations, and have divided up my land. And the L-rd roars out of Zion, and utters his voice from Jerusalem; and the heavens and the earth shake; but the L-rd will be a shelter for his people and a stronghold for the children of Israel. So shall you know that I am the L-rd your G-d dwelling in Zion, my holy mountain: then shall Jerusalem be holy, and no strangers shall pass through her any more." Joel 4:1,2,16,17

During this past week in the Old City of Jerusalem, Israel dedicated the Hurva Synagogue that was destroyed twice by the Arabs in the 18th century and again in 1948 and has recently been rebuilt. During the dedication, the Chief Rabbi of Israel, Rabbi Yona Metzger, stated that 'Israel does not want to rebuild the Temple'. This statement -- which does not represent the deep desire, the prayers and the decision of the people of Israel since the destruction of the Temple in 70 CE -- has raised-up great opposition in Israel today.

When we shall arrive to the Hurva Synagogue, whose rebuilding symbolizes the rebuilding of the Holy Temple of G-d, we shall read the Word of G-d especially to Rabbi Metzger and to the ears of Israel and the entire world:

"Thus speaks the L-rd of hosts, saying, This people say, The time is not come, the time that the L-rd's house should be built. Then the word of the L-rd came by Haggai the prophet, saying, Is it time for you, yourselves, to dwell in your well timbered houses, whilst this house lies waste? Thus speaks the L-rd of hosts, saying, This people say, The time is not come, the time that the L-rd's house should be built?. Thus says the L-rd of hosts; Consider your ways, Go up to the mountain, and bring wood, and build the house; and I will take pleasure in it, and I will be glorified, says the L-rd." (Haggai 1:2-4, 7)

... The Temple Mount and Land of Israel Faithful Movement will call from the Holy Temple Mount to everyone in Israel and the entire world to stand and to help the Faithful Movement of G-d in every way to immediately change this shameful situation on the Temple Mount and to immediately build the Holy Temple of G-d atop Mt. Moriah, the Holy Temple Mount of G-d in Jerusalem. Everyone is invited to participate in this extremely important, historical and godly event.

In G-d we trust!!

- The Temple Mount and Land of Israel Faithful Movement


For the full article, please click here.

Because I Love Her...

I made her... she is different. She is unique. With LOVE I formed her in her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the day I created her. (Psalm 139: 13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh. And the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her. (Psalm 139: 1-6)

I made her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain....I wanted her to search out her heart and learn that it would be me in her that would make her beautiful... and it would be ME in her that would draw friends to her. (1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way that she would need me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be... Only because I need for her to learn to depend on me... I know her heart, I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget me - her Creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things... because I love her. Because I love her, I have also broken her heart... and the tears she has cried alone I have cried with her, and had a broken heart too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not hold my hand. So many lessons she's learned the hard way because she would not listen to my voice. (Isaiah 41:13)

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone, only to watch her return to My arms, sad and broken. (Isaiah 65:2)

And now she is mine again...I made her, and then I bought her... Because I love her. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her... to renew her for what I have planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image... this high goal I have set for her, because I Love Her. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

But why... would I believe a fairytale?

Q: Why even believe the gospel? Haven't you heard? It's a fairytale, just some good brainwashing for a couple thousand years.

A: In terms of brainwashing, you're definitely onto something.

It is by none other than "...that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him."

He is the author of "...every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved."

Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

In all seriousness - I know you meant the other way around. And I understand where you're coming from, because I was an atheist for 23 years.

On the contrary, with what I know now, I am willing to stake my life on this fact - Jesus Christ is God in the flesh, and lived and died and rose again to set me free of the eternal punishment I deserved. And he did it for you, too.

Are you willing to stake your life on the idea that its a fairytale? Because that's exactly what you're doing.

But why... is your god better than any other?

Q: It seems like what you're saying is "my god's better than your god" when the reality is no god's better then any god. If people weren't so infatuated with a relationship with some magical all-knowing being, they would concern themselves with their relationships with other people and themselves. Why are you even telling me this, what's in it for you?

A: I'm not saying my God is better, I'm saying my God is God. If I say I'm 25, but you say I'm 22, can we both be right? No. To say that no god is better than any other is like saying I can be both 22 and 25 simultaneously. Two opposing "truths" can't both be true.

It's because I love God that I love other people. The love that the world shows is very shallow, very conditional love. The only way we can even know what love really is (unconditional, undeserved, self-sacrificial) is by knowing the Lord. I forgive much because I have been forgiven of an infinite amount. So in terms of concerning myself with relationships, I absolutely do. And it all flows out of the divine love that I've been given.

I'm telling you this out of that love. I don't know you, I don't know your past or your mind or your heart or even how many hairs you have on your head, but God does. My love for you is because He first loved me.

I know who I was before I knew Him and I shudder at how lost I realize now I had been. We are all broken, we all need a savior. We have one. I know Him.

Are there any who understand, any who seek?

I saw this little poem posted on a discussion board in a Facebook group, and this is how I responded. (The poem is in bold, my own comments are italicized.))

There are only two things to worry about.

Either you are well or you are sick.
Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
Except that no one is well.
No one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the (moral) law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.

But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about.
So then, we are all sick. We are saturated in sin.
Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, "The righteous will live by faith."

Either you will get well or you will die.
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ. He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities. The punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But all die. All die because all sin. Do you know anyone who has lived forever? I know One.
To you, Lord, I called, I cried for mercy: What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

If you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. In Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.

Either you will go to heaven or hell.
Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment is coming very soon. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water.

If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.
He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels.

But if you go to hell, you'll grab a beer and meet up with your friends once you get there!
Everything you consider good (fun/comforting/pleasant) does not exist in hell. There are no friends, there is no beer. There is no life, only perpetual death.
I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. If anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.


The Lord looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God.

Nebuchadnezzar, the ruler of Babylon - literally the ruler of all the world, came to know the Lord only after God "wooed him with suffering," as they say.

"Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and extol and honor the King of heaven, for all his works are right and his ways are just; and those who walk in pride he is able to humble."

But why.... would He want me?

Q: "I've heard that God loves me, more than enough times. But that doesn't make sense. If he actually knows everything, then he knows everything I've done. And he can't possibly want anything to do with me. If anyone should be destined for hell, it's me."

When you say you'd be the first person to go to hell - I know the feeling. I should, based on what I've done in my life, be the last person allowed anywhere near a holy God, let alone to call Him Father. The Apostle Paul said the same thing (the same guy who wrote most of the New Testament letters)

"Here's a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I'm proof - Public Sinner Number One - of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off - evidence of his endless patience - to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever."

The thing about us, as people, is that we have ALL sinned - every single one of us. Though from our human perspective, its easy for us to start comparing ("Yes I stole a sweater, but that guy in jail stole a car!") but to an almighty and purely good God, all sin is sin. It's all completely contrary to who He is by nature. Jesus Himself said that if you think lustfully about someone, you've already committed adultery; if you think of someone with anger and resentment, its as though you've committed murder. By those standards, it seems that we all deserve the death penalty - I have yet to meet someone who has never lied, cheated, stolen, lusted, envied, etc... and I know I never will. (Ok, well - until I go to heaven to be with Him at least)

That's exactly it. None of us is worthy, in any capacity, of the love that was so generously poured out for us. None of us had any hope of approaching a holy God with our sin-saturated selves. But because of His love, His GREAT love, He chose to suffer and die on our behalf, even though we were the ones who deserved it. And because He is the only one who had never sinned (not once, not a little bit) and didn't deserve even a moment of that punishment, He rose from death. And when we know Him, He takes our record with red ink all over it, and trades us for His clean record.

'Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, "The righteous will live by faith."' (Gal. 3:11)

All That Matters Now

how many roads did i travel
before i walked down one that led me to you?
and how many dreams did unravel
before i believed in a hope that was true?
how long? how far?
what was meant to fulfill only emptied me still
and all you ever wanted....

only me
on my knees
singing holy, holy
and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy, holy

how many deaths did i die
before i was awakened to new life again?
how many half truths did i bear witness to
'til the proof was disproved in the end?
how long? how far?
what was meant to illuminate only shadowed me still
and all you ever wanted...

only me
on my knees
singing holy, holy
and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy, holy

and all i have is gratitude to offer you
you are holy

-Nichole Nordeman

"Be Mine" - A Love Letter

From He who made you in the first place:

Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end -
Because I am the King of kings, I am your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I paid a huge price for you - all of Egypt, with wealthy Cush and Seba thrown in.
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.

I want you back, every last one who bears my name,
every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
yes, personally formed and made each one of you.

I am God. I spoke, I saved, I told you what existed
long before any of these other gods and philosophies came about.
I've always been God and I always will be God.

Listen to my words -
I am He who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you:
Do not be afraid.
I will pour water on the thirsty land
and streams on the dry ground.

(Isaiah 43/44)

I know someone who can.

You have built yourself a fine fortress
And you're the only one who holds the key
You've resolved to pilot your own ship
And you decide what all the rules'll be
No more asking for answers
No more cries for help
You've been hurt for the last time
That's what you tell yourself

I don't know much more than this
But I know someone who does
I was not there in your past
But I know someone who was
I can't heal what lies within
But I know someone who can
I know someone who can

It's a drag living life like this
Believe me, I've been there a thousand times
Spending everyday on the defense
And building walls no one could ever climb
Till somebody showed me my fortress was a cage
And granted me my freedom
Since then I haven't been the same

So you can lock me out
Of your life as you've designed it
But I know there's peace and
I'll be on my knees until the day you find it

Who do you say I am?

¹ Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would
have thought God's saving power would look like this?

^2-6The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him.

^7-9He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.

¹⁰Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he'd give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

^11-12Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

- Isaiah 53 (written approx. 700 years before the birth of Jesus)

Fast forward to approx. 33 AD. Before Jesus was convicted, he was brought before the council to be questioned, but he knew that they had already made up their minds. They said, "If you are the Christ, tell us." But he said to them, "If I tell you, you will not believe, and if I ask you, you will not answer. But from now on the Son of Man will be seated at the right hand of the power of God." (Luke 22)

And they beat him, scourged him, crucified him, and buried him. And after rising three days later, he appeared to his disciples. He said to them, "So thick-headed! So slow-hearted! Why can't you simply believe all that the prophets said? Don't you see that these things had to happen, that the Messiah had to suffer and only then enter into his glory?" Then he started at the beginning, with the Books of Moses, and went on through all the Prophets, pointing out everything in the Scriptures that referred to him. (Luke 24)

Who do you say he is?

Love So Undeserved

Why?
Why are You still here with me?
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me


I wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am

-Barlowgirl

Back Into Your Arms

Home
Come riding on a rushing wind
Blow through our hair and touch our skin
I want to feel You now like I felt You then

Strip away my calloused heart
Set Your arrow hit Your mark
Bring me back to where love starts
Bring me back to where You are

Father I'm running Father I'm coming home
I cannot go on
Your child is running, Father I'm coming home
Back where I belong

I know You've heard this all before
When I'm down and crying on the floor
Saying I want You and nothing more

But I'm breaking in my heart tonight
I've tried to stand I've tried to fight
But I cannot see without Your light
No I cannot breathe without You

When I saw you I was ashamed
You were pure and I was stained
But You ran to me and You called my name
There were tears of joy upon Your face

Let My Heart Defeat My Mind

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Once Was Lost, But Now I'm Found.

To step out of your comfort zone when you feel as though God has called you to something different takes a ton of trust and faith... in not only him, but in your own ability to know what his will is. There have been so many instances of this lately, and though they've been everything ranging from unusual to almost overwhelmingly intimidating, the Lord has again and again proven to be so completely faithful in leading me safely through and the outcome is better than anything I could have thought up or planned out myself.

So tonight, I had plans to hang out with a friend of mine in San Diego. The plan was to have a relaxed night at her house, which I was in the mood for, but when we talked this afternoon there was a possible change in plans that meant she would be coming up here instead, and we'd be going with some friends of hers I hadn't met, to a bar I haven't been to in a long time. I wanted to hang out with her and I didn't want to be a hassle, so I agreed, though it wasn't what I had hoped or planned for.

I came home from work and laid on my bed and thought up a slew of valid reasons why I wasn't going to go. Aside from my foul mood and lack of energy, I've made an intentional effort to step out of the drinking/bar scene recently, and I didn't feel the desire to be back there. But something in me told me I really needed to go, so I dragged myself off the bed and got ready. It didn't seem to make sense that God would call me to go out to a bar when he's called me to do very much the opposite. I didn't want to drink and wasn't in the mood to chat with new people, but cheered up when I met her friends and settled in. We had a nice conversation (and some delicious chicken strips) but honestly spent most of the time wondering why I had felt so strongly that I was called to be there. I started doubting my ability to "test and approve" what God's will is, and my own faith in myself.

It wasn't until we were paying our bill and getting ready to leave that whatever we were talking about reminded her friend (one who I had just met) of her roommate, and all the things she's struggling with and the mess she's in. Most of this girl's story could have been my own testimony. It hit me so hard to hear how broken she is, knowing exactly what that pain feels like. I knew I needed to do something, so when we walked to our cars I gave her my information and asked her to pass it on to her roommate.

I don't know if she'll give it to her or what her roommate's reaction will be, but I believe with all my heart that if there is anybody who can understand fully where she is and see her without condemnation, but with love and the knowledge that even the most broken heart can be put back together and the emptiest places can be filled, it's me. God doesn't waste anything, and he shows me constantly that even my most painful pieces have very important purposes.

See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.

In the same way
your Father in heaven
is not willing that any
of these little ones
should be lost.

Matthew 18:10-14

I started crying as soon as I got in my car (if you know me, you know the significance of tears) and I prayed for this girl the whole way home, and my heart just continues to break for her. I don't know her name or what she's doing right now (she's out of town), but I have a clear idea of what to pray for.

I would appreciate immensely if you would help me pray for her - that God would invade and fill in every part of her life; that he would heal and soothe all of the emotional and physical scars, that he would be her wall of fire and protect her from those influences that make her feel worthless and empty and encourage her to self destruct; that he would meet her in a tangible way right where she is that she couldn't avoid or deny; that he would speak to her in her dreams; that he would surround her with positive, loving and encouraging influences, who would show her how loved and valuable she is; that she would have the courage to contact and meet with me; and that the Holy Spirit would give me the right words and be a guiding presence in our interaction.

There are many more. I could go on. I can't describe how heavily this is on my heart.

For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.

Heavenly Father, you are so faithful in your promises and in your protection. I am so thankful for how you are continuously shaping me and giving me the courage to be obedient, even when I can't make sense of it or am overcome with fear and doubt. I know you don't give us more than we can handle, and I'm so thankful that you entrust me with so much. I am so grateful for this heart you've given me, and for the life you've led me through - each and every piece of it. You've gone before me Lord, and I trust you completely. Thank you for redeeming and renewing me the way you have and continue to. In Jesus' loving and forgiving name, Amen.

Floored.

I'll be completely honest with you and say that I envy those who can hear God's voice. I know he communicates with everyone in different ways, and (as of yet) that isn't how he speaks to me.

But at those times when he very directly speaks to me, I am no less floored. Often, it will be something that may seem common or trivial to those who weren't in on my prayers or thoughts. A sudden coincidence, and a very clear reminder of what is on my heart at the time. Or a song will come on the radio as I'm praying in the car, and the lyrics will clearly answer the questions I was asking him. And every time, the only thing I can do is sit in stunned silence and awe. It's very humbling to be addressed by the Holy King, no matter how it is that he speaks.

I had a moment like that a few minutes ago and was so moved by it that I knew I needed to write it down, because it's times like these that I like to look back on when I'm wondering where he is. As if he ever leaves.

For the backstory, please scroll down to the bottom of the post.

Here I am, just home from work and cranky and I sit down at my computer to check my email, all of these thoughts circling through my head - how I'll wait 'til I hear from him again to unload all these things on him, things I need that I'm not getting, and that I don't want to talk to him anymore and this isn't worth it to me. I'm sitting here almost looking forward to the moment that I can turn tables and make him feel as dispensable as he's made me feel.

I open my "Encouragement for Today" daily devotional from Christianity.com and again, sit here in awe and disbelief that still, that what God is still asking me for loud and clear is patience and perseverance. Even in the face of rejection. (God, you never did say it was going to be easy.) I'm floored.

Here it is, the answer to my questions, titled "Rejected Again?"

Now of course, there are two different dynamics here. There is the relationship side and the spiritual side. As far as a relationship is concerned, things are not good. But I have been telling God for 5 months that his sanctification is more important to me than our being together, and that is still true. God only knows why we've been put in each other's lives, but if I'm in his to help renew and restore his heart, it is disobedient to turn away when it gets hard.

And maybe through these things will come something stronger and more fruitful between us than whatever we could possibly have had before. Only time will tell that.

I do know I need to go about things very differently to preserve my own heart though.
Above all else, guard your heart; for it is the wellspring of life. (Prov. 4:23)

Lord, I know you never said it would be easy, but I know you won't test me beyond what I can bear. Lord help me to keep my eyes fixed on you as I walk with someone who is suffering and to release the heaviness in my own heart. Take away his heart of stone Lord and replace it with a heart of flesh. Give me the right words to speak Lord and the endurance and patience to keep going when I want to give up. Lord I ask also that you give me the courage to pray with him next time I see him. Thank you for the incredible transformation in him that you're already making and for the opportunity you give me to work for you. In Jesus' ever patient name I pray these things. Amen.



The Backstory: In the Spring I was dating this guy who I had an instant, crazy connection with and deep care for, and vice versa. Everything seemed as close to perfect as it could get and I never thought I would see the end of it. If you've read earlier posts, you'll remember that he's the one who taught me about God and the gospel and led me to Christ. Impactful, to say the least.

For reasons not totally understood by me, he went from hot to cold very soon after I became a Christian, which caused me a great deal of anxiety and heartbreak. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong and was consumed by it. As I soon learned, he was deep in a spiritual struggle, knowing what he should be doing and doing very much the opposite. Bad habits that he had repressed all returned to the surface. He drank a lot and smoked a lot and refused to come to church. He lost his convictions and gave up trying.

Every day as I sat in prayer, distressed and hurting, I asked God how he could be this way all of a sudden and what I should do. Even though I felt like the only answer was to break up with him, I kept getting this strong overwhelming feeling as I prayed that I needed to wait and to be patient.

And I tried. It was a month of his being completely shut down and my worrying before he broke up with me. I told him it didn't feel right, and about my prayers. He asked me later after he left if it still didn't feel right; it didn't. He said he'd be a fool not to listen to that, but it was never brought up again.

Over the past five months since we broke up, it was ugly. We saw each other a couple times and it was bad. Really crazy coincidences would happen all the time pointing right to him, and I tried to brush them off. My heart wouldn't heal, and I finally convinced myself that we really were never going to return to the way it was when we were happy. Nonetheless, I thought about him every day, and his heart and strength in the Holy Spirit was the only consistent thing I prayed for daily, even though he was harsh and critical and hurtful when we talked.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I saw him again and things seemed dramatically different. He had a gentleness about him again, and the kindness in his eyes returned. He was humble and respectful, and apologized for all the things he had done and said over that time. We were on the phone all night, talking about how we'd never been able to get over each other and he said it just hadn't been the right time. He told me again and again how much he needs me in his life, and that the people he's surrounded by lead him towards the sins he feels he can't escape. He said he needed my influence on his life, that although he as the man is the leader and the "head," that I am the neck, which supports and guides the head where to go.

We decided to be very intentional on taking it slow this time. We started seeing each other every few days, and it felt like he had become the incredible guy I first met again. All at once he quit smoking, cut down drastically on drinking, cleaned his apartment, and got his stuff together. I can't describe the joy of seeing a heart being restored after the hours and hours of tearful prayers and blessing my 'enemy.' In some ways it feels as though he was in my life to guide me spiritually, and now maybe I was there for him in the same way.

After a few weeks we made the mistake of getting too comfortable and saw each other a few days in a row. I think it freaked him out and he shut down, yet again. I thought to myself, "how can this be happening again??" Not only is it painful in a relationship, but it makes me feel devalued and broken. I knew I needed to do it differently.

So instead of worrying and asking what was wrong and pleading for time together thinking that was going to fix it, I left him alone. We didn't talk for days and when we did see each other again, it seemed like everything was back to normal. But, yet again, it seems that he's switched off and become selfish again, and it brings me right back to that anxious, hurt feeling I had before. I don't want anything to do with that. I can't do it again. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and pretend I don't want to talk to him for days at a time for fear that he'll become that person.

So all last night and all today I have been praying, asking God what to do, but thinking I knew full well what I needed to do. I've come up with all these conversations I wanted to have about how I deserve a lot better than this and that I don't want to have anything to do with him when he's like this. And those things are both true. But it was the way that I was planning it that I just realized is not the way God wants it. It was coming from anger and frustration.

Awakened.

*Before I start, I'd just like to say,
I made it onto the Motion writing team.
It's an empowering feeling to be able
to use a gift the way that God intended me to,
for his glory.*

My church set this week aside to focus all of our attention on God so that we'd be open to hearing what he had to say about the coming ministry year for our church and for ourselves.

There were many spiritual disciplines that we were going to practice, none of which I had experienced before. But I went all in. Here's what my week looked like.

• Wake up at 4:45am.
• Be at church by 6am for contemplative prayer and quiet time.
• Leave at 7am for home, pray, journal, read, and get ready for work.
• Work 9:30am to 6pm. Use lunch break to study the bible. (I also wrote down any verses that stuck out to me, which as I write this entry and read over them, I realize how closely they correlate with the events of the week. I've included a few.)
  
• Drive straight to church for evening service.
• Worship/pray from 7pm to 10pm.
• Drive home. Journal or read, pray.
• Sleep around 11pm.

(Repeat)

I was also fasting. I have been reading a lot about and have been wanting to experience it for myself. I'd planned to fast only lunch, and to use that half hour a day to read and focus and pray, but I felt called to push myself further than that. I can't say I was completely consistent though, there were two nights after church that I really needed to eat something. I also fasted from the things that normally capture all of my attention: internet, TV, etc. I really spent all of my time (minus work) devoting my energy to God.
It was intense, to say the least.

I went into it with expectations, or at least hopes, that I would get a clear message from him; a word, a phrase, an image. I wanted to know if I'm in the right place, doing the right things. I wanted to know what was up ahead. I thought I could ask God for what I wanted to hear and I would get the answer I was looking for. But that wasn't what God was calling me for.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21

They said a lot about how we were there to be ministered to, but also to minister to other people. I didn't know how I'd fit into that. I had never prayed out loud, either in a group or for someone. I didn't see how I was fit to minister to anyone. Who am I to do that?

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness
through our knowledge of him who called us
by his own glory and goodness."
2 Peter 3:11

There were a lot of moments where God pushed me beyond my comfort zone. I had honestly never vocalized a prayer, not even by myself. And the first time was in a group with people I didn't know, and my assigned prayer was for the last few months of George W.'s presidency (which, if you know me, was pretty ironic), and I have to say, I was so worried about if I was saying the right things that I don't think it was much of a prayer to God but to the people in my group. It got easier each night, as we were led to pray in groups over different things and I became a lot more comfortable. Another first was praying for someone out loud. Thursday it was for healing of a girl with cystic fibrosis, and it was a strong experience of loving a complete stranger.

To be completely honest, I spent the first few days in self-serving expectancy, praying that he would speak to me, please! God, where are you!? All I can hear is my voice echoing back at me! The leaders kept talking about how if we couldn't feel anything or hear anything, it was probably because there was something standing in our way. And I knew this must be true, but all the self-analysis in the world couldn't have gotten me there. My prayers turned to a longing to know what was in my heart that I didn't see.

"Ask and it will be given to you;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

When I finally started to just be still and quiet, God uprooted some significant truths about myself that I hadn't even been aware of. It took one sentence in one prayer I received from a girl I'd never seen before to reveal a lot of pain I had so hidden away I couldn't find it. I felt like I'd been broken in half.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay
to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:7

I ran across the hall to talk to someone in the prayer room and my story came spilling out, along with all of my worries and fears and doubts about God's love and about ever finding someone to love me like that. Things I had never been honest about, not even with myself. The girl I was talking to sat listening and didn't seem to know quite what to say, but I just felt like I needed to get everything on my heart out. When the service ended, I sat on one of the couches and wrote in a journal they had for people to write in. In a jumbled mess I tried to recount all the things that had come up. I prayed for God's help in keeping that wall broken down so that it could be healed, and not concealed again.

Of all the things that resurfaced, one major theme was how much emphasis I put on what people think of me. I spend more energy and thought on earning people's admiration than I had any idea, because deep down I'm afraid that people will leave me. I can say a million times that it's God's opinion that matters and no one else's, but in reality, I am incredibly self-conscious. The more I thought on it, the more I realized how many years worth of bricks I had laid down in an attempt to build up a person that people would like and respect and stick with; so much so that I don't even begin to know myself. One of the most painful things about it was the fact that I have never truly worshipped God, because I've always been so concerned about what people will think of me. It's never been from the heart; it's just been singing.

I'm still far from letting go of the concern about what people think, but realizing how much it affects the way I live is the first step to releasing it. It was on Thursday night that I truly worshipped from my heart for the first time and wasn't thinking about who was watching. It was the first night that I've been filled by the spirit in months.

It took God all week to answer my prayers that he break down the barrier keeping me distant, but he did, and I am so thankful for it. As intense of an experience as it was, I couldn't have asked for anything more.

As an end to the week, we spent Friday night recounting all that God had done in our church. They had a few people get up and read excerpts from the journals people had been writing in, and it felt like the floor beneath me dropped away when they read my journal aloud to a packed room. I wanted to cry and hide and smile all at the same time. After my journal entry, they read one written by a girl on Thursday who had been prayed over; she wrote about how thankful she was for prayer for her cystic fibrosis and how she was reawakened to the joy and comfort that only God can provide.

Not only did my Heavenly Father remind me how much his love doesn't need to be earned but is given freely and without limit, but he showed me how he is using me to love and comfort and minister to others, even when I don't believe I'm capable of that myself.

"Whoever finds his life will lose it,
and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Matthew 10:38

The most peaceful truth I can sink into is knowing that the most powerful, mighty creator of the universe who knows and sees all, loves me more than I will ever be able to comprehend, and is eternally faithful.

I wear my 'Awakened' dog-tag (which ROCKHARBOR had imprinted and gave out) now as a reminder to keep my eyes not only fixed on him, but wide open always.

I ended this week tonight, in a celebration service with all of my new team members, and when they asked if anyone had anything to share about this past week I got up in front of my church (wow, you really don't realize how many people are there until you're standing in front of them holding a microphone) and described everything that happened. And after the service I had all kinds of people come up and thank me for sharing my story. I continue to be in awe of the fact that I would be able to minister to anyone at all, being so new in my faith. Then again, God doesn't really have a track record of only choosing the most mature, sinless, righteous people for his works.

"Do not comform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Romans 12

God In Motion

As you know if you have been following for awhile, I started this blog the day after I attended ROCKHARBOR (and church, for that matter!) for the first time, met God very directly, and was instantly changed. I knew after such a powerful experience that I needed to document my walk in a new faith and the incredible things that were taking place in my life. My friend who had been at church with me that night asked if he could share what I had written, and of course I agreed, without knowing who he intended to send it to. He had sent it to a few pastors, some of which he knows from earlier in his life (like his youth pastor), and some who call ROCKHARBOR home, including our teaching pastor, who had given the sermon that first night... You can imagine my surprise!

Out of that initial connection have come a great many things. I have developed a fellowship with his youth pastor online. We've had some great conversations and I'm so thankful for how generously he shares his wisdom and faith whenever I have questions! When one of the pastors from ROCKHARBOR read it, he said it would be a good story for Motion. Neither of us knew what Motion was so we read some of it online. It's a bi-monthy magazine our church produces, which is filled with first hand accounts of how God is moving through ROCKHARBOR. (Check out the online archive here.) I fell in love with the rawness and honesty of the stories and how inspiring it was to see God impacting lives in all kinds of circumstances.

I continued reading it over the next couple months, and felt called to get involved, but I didn't know how to go about that. I've always loved to write and as a loving and devoted follower of Christ, it seemed like a great fit. I flipped to the back page to find the email address of the editor, and sent him a quick note asking if he needed any help. He told me there would be an open enrollment for the writing team soon, and we kept in touch through email for a few months until the time came for the informational meeting and a try-out assignment.

The assignment was to write our own Motion Life-Story; is a time when God transformed our lives, and who we had been before and how we were changed after. Though the past five months have provided endless options, my choice was obvious. I retold the story of my first night at church, and included a lot more honest background of who I had been before and who I am today. (Find the final edit below.)

I submitted my assignment last week and am now just waiting to hear back.

It's something I've been wanting to be involved in since I first read it and have spent the past few months hoping it would happen. I spent some good hours and a lot of energy on my try-out, and have relived some difficult memories in the process. And as much as it's something I've wanted to do, I'm not praying that I make it on the team anymore. My prayers now just ask that his will be done and that I go where I will be most beneficial to him.

I smile when I recognize God revealing himself in surprising ways, even during those times when I think I have everything figured out, and it becomes clear I don't. Its humbling to remember that, but there is so much comfort in knowing that he can see far beyond what I can, and knows and wants the best for me.

I have peace on the subject. I'm not worried about whether or not I'll make the writing team. Life happens, and its far from predictable. I trust that if writing for Motion is his will, it will happen. And if that isn't his will, he has something else up ahead for me. I know he called me there, but only time will tell why. Its exciting to see what God is going to do next.

Faith is not about looking before you leap and then deciding if you feel like jumping, but simply saying, "yes, Lord." No one knows better than he does, is more trustworthy, or loves us more.

So, with my eyes closed I say yes, Lord! Only time will tell where I'm going to land. I can't wait to see!


******************************************************************


And now, the story.

Looking Through God's Eyes

Growing up, I never knew God. I’m an only child of divorced parents, and while there was plenty of conflict between them, a lack of religion was one subject they agreed on. On one side I had my mom, a non-practicing Catholic, and on the other I had my dad, a non-practicing Jew.

I was raised to believe physical appearance the most important quality. It was clear from a young age that if there was something "wrong" with how you looked, you changed it, no matter what the cost. And I was far from of this idea of beauty. I was chubby. I had frizzy hair. I wasn't cute. I wasn't athletic. I wasn't popular. As I got older and became more aware of what I looked like versus what I was "supposed" to look like, my self-esteem plummeted. I came home in tears the day my first crush started dating my best friend. My consolation prize was getting my hair highlighted for the first time and new makeup. Whether it was intentional or not, the message was that if he hadn't picked me, I must not be pretty enough.

In high school my lack of confidence consumed me. I never had a boyfriend and it felt like I didn't deserve one. Despite education on eating disorders, at home I was told that it would be healthier for me to be anorexic than overweight. My mom promised she would quit smoking when I quit eating. By senior year, I was overcome by depression and severely limited what I ate. When I met my first boyfriend, it felt like a reward for my suffering. I was finally desirable to someone, and I made excuses for the way he treated me. So did my family.

When I got to college we broke up, and I started getting lots of attention I wasn't used to. It was a thrill to be found attractive, and I thrived on it. But no matter what, I still hated my appearance. Soon my craving for affection led me down a dark road. With everything I knew I couldn't distinguish the line between being wanted and being used. I convinced myself that my promiscuity was an expression of how free I was, when in reality it was a reflection of how broken my heart was. I ached for someone to love me, but I couldn't admit that to anyone, especially myself. Sex lost all meaning.

One summer, I moved next door to two guys who were best friends but polar opposites; Nick, the wild one who drank every night and slept around, and Peter, a sweet Christian guy who abstained from sex and alcohol all together. I fell for Peter instantly. I knew he would never want a girl like me, and I quickly cleaned up my act. I know it was God who was trying to pull me out of my emptiness, but I didn’t know it then.

Peter and I hung out all summer, but he didn’t how I felt about him. When he and my roommate started dating, I was crushed. At a party one night, and his best friend Nick started coming on to me. After too many drinks I went home with him, relieved to be wanted again. As the alcohol wore off I realized what I was doing and practically ran home. I tried to brush my teeth but I couldn’t even look in the mirror. I couldn’t fool myself anymore. I didn’t leave the house for three days, afraid that I’d see one of them.

A friend finally talked me into going out for lunch, but we didn’t get far. A few blocks from my house, another car ran through an intersection and hit me, totaling my car. We were relatively unharmed, although my face and chest were cut and burned from the airbag. In shock, we pushed the car to the side of the road and walked home, where I saw Nick washing his car outside. He looked at me, bleeding, and said nothing. The accident had shaken me, but that hurt much worse.

I’ve heard it said that car accidents are a wakeup call from God, but I didn’t see it like that. Not yet.

It was that afternoon that I made the choice to be abstinent until I was in a serious relationship. I told my friends, and they joked about it, thinking it would never last. But it did, and after two years of renewing my sense of what sex meant, I met someone who valued me far beyond how I valued myself. I poured my heart into it, but being unable to love myself also meant I didn’t know how to be loved by someone else. I never felt worthy of the way he felt about me, and after a few years it finally pushed us apart. I felt my world was crumbling all over again.

I knew I was missing something, though I wasn’t sure what it was. I casually dated some great guys but it never became serious. I was emotionally shut off. It felt good to be more independent but there was still an emptiness that I couldn’t explain. I still didn’t like anything about myself, and hoped for the day that someone would love me enough to fix that.

In the early Spring of 2008, I met someone different from anyone I had ever met. His relationship with God is the biggest part of his life. I had never wanted anything to do with that, but as he would talk something started stirring in me that I couldn’t explain. Having never been to church, I was too nervous to go, but I started listening to sermons on the ROCKHARBOR website. Any time I would read or talk or think about God, I would get this anxious, excited feeling in my heart, though I wouldn’t admit that it was having any effect on me. The relationship was short, but he left a lasting impression.

It was a Sunday afternoon in April when I realized I wasn’t apprehensive about going to church anymore. I asked a friend if I could go with him to the service at ROCKHARBOR that night, but I played it cool. I was afraid I wouldn’t feel anything, and I didn’t want to let anyone down.

The message that night was called Sex is Powerful. It was about how huge of an emotional connection sex is, why God calls us to wait until marriage, and no matter where we’ve been we have the opportunity to start fresh. God can redeem us. It helped me understand that even with the mistakes I had made, all the scars could be healed. I realized that it wasn’t enough to wait for a relationship to be serious, and I knew then I would wait until marriage.

Although I had felt good about being there, I was still so foreign to me. As we were shuffling out, my friend spotted a pastor he knows and I told him I would meet him in the lobby. As I walked out I caught a glimpse of Peter and Nick, the two friends I had lived next door to. Five years ago. 200 miles away from where I stood. The ones I hadn’t spoken to since.

I rushed back in to find my friend. Trembling, I gave him a 30 second synopsis of everything that happened years ago and since then. Shaking, we walked back into the lobby. They saw me and said hello, looking almost as surprised as I was. My heart raced. At that second everything clicked. I had no idea how I had ever been able to see the world and not see God in it. After a few minutes we went our separate ways. I didn’t say much the rest of the night, and as soon as I got home I wept for all the years I had felt lost and alone, because I wasn’t.

They say that the moment you die, your life flashes before your eyes. In those moments my old life ended, and it did. I saw God in everything. Every painful step of my journey made sense, and it didn’t hurt anymore. He was there with me in the lobby at ROCKHARBOR and He had always been, faithfully waiting until the moment I would realize that His love is the only love I need. He led me there to show me I had been redeemed. We can change our own minds, but only God is capable of changing our hearts.

The following Sunday on the way to ROCKHARBOR, my friend and I were going through an intersection a few blocks from his house when we were hit hard. It was almost identical to the accident I had been in five years before. But this time, as we stood on the sidewalk, relatively unharmed and watching the emergency vehicles swarm the scene, I had to keep myself from smiling. Because this time, I knew why I had made it out safely. I was overcome with peace and gratefulness.

God is continuously molding my heart and revealing to me the things that hold me back. As I gain greater understanding on what it means for my whole life to be an act of worship, I’ve realized that hating myself, one of God’s creations, is far from worshipful.

On the outside I’m the same person I was five months ago, but for the first time I can see myself through God’s eyes. I’ve finally learned to love myself just as He created me.

An Important Week - A Different Church

A Different Church

I had told my friend a few weeks ago that as much as I love ROCKHARBOR, I wanted to start experiencing other churches, because it was the only place I had ever been to and I wanted to know what went on in other ones. The night before Serve Day was a good time to start, because there was a celebration service at Mariner's Church, a mega-church in Irvine where one of my friends' fathers is a pastor. I enjoyed the service very much, though there weren't many people there, and felt really comfortable there. That Sunday, my friend and I went to their "Sunday Night" service, which is brand new and takes place in a small room above the worship center. There were about 30 people there, and everyone sits in a circle to worship, pray (a lot, I liked that), and listen to the message. It had a good sense of community, but I know that I like to feel the power of a room packed with hearts on fire for Christ.

This past Sunday, I went to Saddleback Church, another nearby mega-church where Rick Warren (author of Purpose Driven Church and Purpose Driven Life) is senior pastor. Though I had heard about their "rock and roll" services, I opted for the regular one, as I wanted to experience the "normal" church service. As I passed by Overdrive (the "rock" service) I heard great music booming from inside and saw floods of smiling, energetic young people crowding in expectantly.

I kept walking and finally reached the worship center... this place is huge. I walked in during worship, feeling guilty that I had missed that time to worship, but found that a good majority of the attendees were late as well. I was handing an outline and found a seat towards the top. After some announcements, the worship began again, and though the leader asked everyone to stand, a lot of people stayed seated. I stood, and was aware that I was the only one in my area singing. But I pushed my self-consciousness aside and remembered why I was singing. I saw three pairs of hands held up in praise out of the thousands in the room. The band prayed over us, and before we sat we were asked to say hi to some people around us. I quickly turned around and started introducing myself to the people sitting around me, but it seemed as though most people just sat down.

I sat, and the message began. I felt this stale, lifeless air all around me; this energy of "I dare you to make me feel something" as the pastor spoke, and it was discouraging. I said a silent prayer that God would awaken their hearts so they could have a close relationship with Him as well. Many of the people still wore their Bluetooth device and were talking quietly during the service. I wondered why they were there. I really enjoyed the message, and got a lot of good information out of it. It was about the bible from its very origins; who wrote it, how it was compiled, what it is used for, how its misinterpreted, and how we can try to connect with it better. As the pastor referred to scripture and I flipped through my bible to find the page, I realized no one around me had a bible with them, but were reading the words off of the outline we were given. It ended with the second side of the page, which was a "fill in the blank" and true/false activity that the pastor led.

As soon as the message ended and the pastor finished praying, the worship band came back up on stage and started playing and about half of the congregation jumped out of their seats and shuffled out the door! I've never left church early, but I left too, because I knew my heart wasn't in the right place to worship. I couldn't feel God's presence there. I left feeling empty.

That night, my friend and I decided to go to our good ol' home-church, ROCKHARBOR, and I can't begin to explain what a good idea that was. God was there! There was no doubt about it. We sat in the middle amidst a crowd of passionate followers of Christ and I could feel the presence of God physically and emotionally. The message was fantastic, and just what I needed to hear. It was about why we do the things we do, and how to do them so as to please God, not to be driven by the wrong influences. When we worshiped, I truly worshiped God with my whole heart and any sense of self-consciousness or doubt was washed away. It was such a moving experience.

I will continue to experience other churches because I feel the need to know and understand the body of Christ as a whole. But I do really love ROCKHARBOR. This weekend was such a great reminder of what keeps me coming back every weekend with an expectant, excited heart.

Beyond all the details, God is so good to me. I felt myself becoming more and more distant from Him, and started to wonder why HE was leaving me! Oh, the silly things I come up with. God never leaves me, this I know. But its up to me to choose to hang out with Him, make Him a priority, and fix my eyes on Him alone. It's up to me, and it's certainly not about me. It's all about Him!

I've had A Purpose Drive Life, by Rick Warren, sitting on my bookshelf for quite some time now. After reading the Prologue and seeing that you're supposed to read only one chapter a day for 40 straight days, I had set it aside, thinking I couldn't commit. But as it says, we live on average 25,550 days. What reason on earth would we have for not being able to commit 40 of them to figure out our purpose for the rest of them?? When you think about it like that, it sounds absurd that we couldn't devote a few minutes (a measly few minutes!) to getting to know God and His plan for us better. Oh, the way our minds work. So I am committed. Today was my second day, and so far I've learned more than I expected. One of the last sentences of the chapter today even made me cry! No joke, sitting on my bed, and the tears started flowing. I needed this.

In other news, I have an informational meeting/writing audition on Wednesday for the writing team for ROCKHARBOR's publication, Motion. Since I love to write and I love God, it seems like the perfect opportunity for me. I know I'm really touched by the stories in it, and I'd love to be a part of touching the hearts of other readers. Please pray for me!




Lord, you've rekindled the fire in my heart and reminded me what peace You bring. I know you have big plans for me and I know that you'll see me through anything. You're my reason, for loving, laughing, caring, breathing. You're the reason. I'm only here because you will me to be. Thank you God for the unbelievable grace you show me constantly. I see You now more than ever and I pray that I will continue to do so. Lead the way, Lord. I'm yours. In Jesus' name. Amen.