Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Starting at Ground Zero

After the exhiliration of meeting God for the first time, things have seemed to change drastically. I can't pinpoint what it is that has me feeling so low, but all I know is I've felt pretty awful the past few days.

Where I am normally very social and love being around people, I've felt like hiding in my room. I'm usually in a good mood, or able to have a positive take on things, but the past few days its as though nothing seems positive anymore. When it comes down to it, I just feel really empty and hollow. It doesn't make any sense to me, because I feel so excited and relieved and fulfilled by acknowledging God and inviting Him into my life, but aside from that, I feel super low.

I talked to my best friend for a long time today, who said that maybe it's because I'm in an extremely vulnerable position, having just accepted Christ into my heart, and that this is a prime time for the other side to try to work against that. Maybe it's because I've always had my walls up to it all, and now that they are down they are both trying to get in.

It feels like I'm having an identity crisis. It's as though I no longer know who I am. That would make sense, according to scripture, but I expected it to feel much better than this.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
he is a new creation;
the old has gone, the new has come!
2 Corinthians 5:17

Where I have always been "filled up" or satisfied by getting attention and admiration from those around me (friend-wise, and even longer ago it was on a more physical, attention from the opposite sex side), I think my recent spiritual findings have left me understanding that those things really don't fill me up or satiate me. All of a sudden, the things I would normally do to cheer myself up and make me feel better aren't having any effect on me, and I feel this great distance between myself and the world.

I'm not sure how to fix it or how long it's going to last, but I know all I can do is ask the Lord into my heart and accept Him as fully as I'm able.

Lord, please help me to fulfill what it is that You have in store for me. I ask that You show me love and guide me in feeling whole in Your love and grace. I know I'm not capable of completely understanding Your plan for me, but I can't wait to know You better. Please help me to demonstrate the love and appreciation I have for those in my life that are trying to help me through this struggle. Amen.

1 comment:

nileta said...

Well, that's how it starts, and that's how you know you are changing. Things you used to do will seem boring to you or meaningless and all that because God is opening your eyes and showing you what is the real truth behind everything. From now on, He will guide you and He will show you what is for your best interest and what is not. I was surprised to discover your new blog, and may I say, really happy to hear about your new life. I wish you all the best, and remember that without Him we are all alone and helpless. God has stood by me, been my friend, He has forgiven me and Has loved me! And that's just great! I pray that you seek to find the same gifts and virtues He has to offer!
Again, really happy about your new life!