Sunday, June 1, 2008

Lord, I don't always understand.

I find myself praying in the car a lot. I think it's because its one of the few times during my day that I'm alone and I can have quiet. I also tend to think a lot while I'm driving. Add to that the fact that I always listen to Christian radio in the car, and I commute 40 minutes to work everyday, and you can probably understand why my drive is always God-focused.

I left work today and was driving straight to my ex's apartment, because I told him I would cat-sit while he was away for the weekend. I was driving towards the city he lives in, and as I got closer, I got more sad. I turned off my music and started to pray. I asked... no, begged... the Lord to bring him back to me. I said I knew that it wasn't up to me and that was an unfair request, and if it wasn't right, if it really wasn't His will, to give me a strong sign that it wasn't what was meant for us, beyond him being stubborn. It's hard to decipher signs from God vs someone taking things into their own hands, due to fear or insecurity or whatever else it could be.

I got to his house and opened the door to find the two lonely kitties, being extra affectionate. He'd told me they don't need much help; a big bowl of food and water lasts them days; but that he'd like it if I could go and hang out with them a little. So I got to his apartment, made sure they had enough food, and snuggled with them on my lap for a bit.

The apartment was messy as usual. I was drawn back to the days when we were amazing together, and I loved doing things for him. I tidied up a bit. Remembering why I had come, I wanted to spend more attention on the kitties, and scooped one up and put him on my lap while I went on his computer, which had been left on, to check in with Myspace and Facebook. Right away I noticed a "Notepad" document, open . It was a letter, penned (my best guess) to his ex-fiance about how much he misses her and how he hasn't changed, but he needs to. I was crushed.

Why did he leave that open when he asked me to go hang out at his apartment while he's away on vacation? Was that a very unfortunate coincidence? A dumb mistake? A sign from God? Or a glaring message from him to me that it's really over? Or, as the 1% of me wonders, was it written to me, to tell me that he misses me? I know in my heart it wasn't for me, but the 1% still gnaws at me.

It really upset me. I pet the kitties a bit more, made the bed (why my servant's heart always gets the best of me, I'll never know), cleaned out the litter box, and drove home distraught. Hadn't I just asked God for such a sign? Here it was, staring at me from his desktop, or at least one could presume, and I was still unable to accept it or believe it.

I got to my house, and needed to get ready to go out for my co-worker's birthday. I haven't been out with "the girls" minus a love interest since I came to know God, and to be honest, getting ready (ie putting on a lot of makeup and a showy outfit) didn't feel right at all. I kept looking in the mirror and feeling as though I wasn't honoring God, but very much the opposite. But being the strong-willed girl that I am, now even more determined to have a good time, I swallowed those feelings and pushed them as far down as I could. I was thinking about where we were going, and remembered a guy who was a friend of one of my ex's co-workers that we used to go out with. He was really funny and cool to go out with, but always seemed unnecessarily flirty with me... even in front of my guy.

So, in a moment of sheer weakness of heart, I guess with the desire to assert the fact that I can shut off my feelings just the same, I went on to Myspace with the intention of emailing him and telling him if he wanted to meet up with me, he should text me, and my cell phone number. But as I signed on, my brand-new laptop instantly shut itself down, out of the blue. It's never done that.

So.... apparently I wasn't supposed to email him. Got it.

Lord... I don't always understand you.Please help me understand! I know that's because I keep trying to live off my own free will. I know deep down that won't work. I know in the long run it's all up to you and I need to learn how to accept that. Please help me to see more clearly what your path is. I'm down here, waiting, listening for you. I'm begging you to speak to me. I need to know what you want. I love you with all my heart and I want to do right by you. Please show me what that is. I have no wish but to know and abide by your will. Mine is so strong that yours is hard to see. Help me see it, Lord. Please help me. Amen.

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