...The Old Has Gone, The New Has Come!

One year later...

2011-03-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I'm grumpy or down in the dumps, my husband suggests we play what he calls the "Blessings Game." This means that we take turns thanking God for things. Invariably, its difficult for me at first because I stubbornly want to sulk, but eventually it turns my mood around and puts my heart back in the right place - thanking the One who is worthy of praise no matter what is happening. But today I need no encouragement to play the Blessings Game. My heart is completely overwhelmed with praise!

Thank you Jesus!

... that I am even in the place to praise You, to talk to You, to know You. For new life, for life that lasts forever with You. For calling me out, picking me up, and placing me on solid rock that has held me steady through all kinds of storms and sunny weather alike.

... for reminding me to pray constantly over those years, for giving me all the strength and persistence neccessary to keep praying for him even in the face of hurt, rejection, discouragement, hopelessness, and exhaustion.

... for never giving up on Your lost sheep. For going and getting him from his dark pit and bringing him into the light. For giving him a brand new redeemed, restored life with You.

... for allowing me to witness (all at once!) years worth of tearfully fervent prayers get answered right before my eyes. For letting me be there to see You crumble a hardened heart and replace it with a heart of flesh.

... for remaining so faithful to me and to Your perfect plan for us, even through my many periods of shameful faithlessness. For being so patient with me, and never letting me wander too far off course before calling me back and reminding me of the good You had in store.

... for Your promise that "the best is yet to come," and the peace that came from believing that. For all the wisdom and truth and confirmation I got from reading "Choosing God's Best." (Thank you Heather!) For blowing my mind one year ago today (and every day since) with what Your best really was, I never could have known it could have been THIS good. For reminding me still, through every trial we face together, that Your best is still yet to come.

... for how deeply You love us, how thoughtfully You created us individually and for each other, how closely You've knitted us together, how generously You provide for us in every possible way, and how carefully You carry us through.

... for giving him the strength to quit smoking cold turkey and a whole year without a single cigarette.

... for an incredible husband, best friend, lover, and leader who I get to look forward to seeing every single day. For a man who makes me laugh more than anyone, who loves me more than I deserve. For giving him all the words he needed to teach me about You when I didn't know a thing, and the perserverance to keep telling me even when I resisted.

... for how perfectly you've put together our story, so that we are an undeniable testimony to your power and love. For the ways that you've used our story to change other people's lives. For letting us be your witnesses. For using our history to confirm our future, for bringing us together in such a way that we will never be able to fool ourselves into thinking that this was not your perfect plan for us.

... for an incredible first year back together, the first of many.

... for the pastor, spiritual father and discipler who has spoken an incredible amount of truth and guidance and love into my life from day one. For giving me someone who didn't think I was crazy for believing what You had told me, who helped me pray for him, who walked with me and encouraged me all the way to the end of the aisle. For everything he's taught me and all the understanding of Your Word I've learned from him over the years that You remind me of whenever I am confused or unsure. Thank You for being so evident in him, for all the lives that he continues to influence with love and wisdom and patience.

... for being the God who is able to do abundantly more than we could ever ask for or imagine, and reminding me of that on such a consistent basis. For giving me more reasons to praise You than I could ever put down in words.

I will never run out of reasons to praise You - its a good thing I have the rest of eternity!

When I say I am a Christian...

2010-04-04T22:04:00.000-07:00

When I say ..."I am a Christian,"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I was lost!"
That is why I chose this way."

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need someone to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are too visible but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches which is why I seek His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian,"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority, I only know I'm loved.

- Maya Angelou

Resurrection of the Lord, of life, of love.

2010-04-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

Today, Sunday April 4th is Easter. This day honors and exalts the day that our Lord, the King of Kings and Creator of the universe, defeated the undefeatable. In His perfect, spotless, sinless state, He beat death, He conquered the grave. He rose. And in dying first and then rising, He gives us each the opportunity to do the same - first to die to this world and all that it offers, and then to rise into life - real life, the life we were designed to live. Wholly, sanctified, and with our Designer. Set free from the weight of death, we rise into an everlasting life the moment that we believe and on into eternity. And one day, we will be raised physically to live forever with Him in His presence.

Today, Sunday April 4th also marks the 7th day of a most incredible, almost indescribable week. A week so unlike any other and so beyond human capability that it has clearly blossomed straight out of God's hand. This moves me to tears each time I pour my heart out in thanksgiving to it's Author. Today marks the end of a week watching life and love be raised out of death by the power of God.

(to be continued)

God is GOOD^nth

2010-03-30T01:49:00.001-07:00

I know we'll all say (and believe that) "God is good," or "praise God!"

But its in the moments that I'm floored by His goodness, literally overwhelmed by how He can be SO good - I'm talking like ridiculously, beyond generously and incomprehensibly good - that I feel He deserves a description that we don't use often enough. Gloriously incredibly awesome beyond all reason? That will have to suffice I guess.

Lord, are you serious right now? I'm blown away, yet again. I've trusted and I continue to trust, and it hasn't always been easy, and you know that is an understatement. But then you show me how You ARE so faithful, so trustworthy. I knew these things, but I know them more and more personally and I just end up sitting here in awe. So thank you Lord, again and again, every day, always, forever.

It's no one but the Lord who can change a circumstance, a heart, a situation, a life, a direction, whatever... in a matter of moments. Father I pray that you continue in all that You are doing and bring glory upon glory to Your name in the biggest brightest way! Your ways, Your plan are so perfect! I love You!

A Form of Religion Without Any Power

2010-03-27T00:54:00.000-07:00

We are called to worship God both in Spirit and in truth...

Knowing the Power of His Resurrection
Tim Keller

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith--that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

Philippians 3:7-11

I was watching a documentary recently on PBS and there was a minister who was asked, "Do you believe Jesus was raised from the dead?" And he responded, "The purpose and the personality and the power that was in Jesus continues, so that today he is a risen and living presence and possibility." What was he saying? He was suggesting that the purpose of Jesus lives on but that he is still physically dead.

But if Jesus' example lives on while he is really dead, you can only know him as an example. You can't talk to him, and he can't talk to you. If Jesus is not really living, he is not a living force who can come in and intervene in your life.

You will have a form of religion without any power.

But on the other hand, it is also possible to be orthodox about your belief in the resurrection of Jesus, but if you've never had a profound experience of that resurrection, your own spiritual resurrection, then you have a form of religion without power as well.

One one hand, the resurrection is a fact to be believed. On the other hand, it is an experience to connect with. If you have one without the other--if you believe in the resurrection as historical fact but never experience the resurrection personally, or if you think of the resurrection as a spiritual experience but don't believe it was a fact--you come out with a form of religion with no power.

My question is: Do you know them both? Do you believe in the resurrection as a historical event, and have you also had that profound personal experience of spiritual resurrection? Christianity refuses to be stuck in either category. It is not all about rationality, nor is it all about spirituality. It's both. On one hand, Christianity is about beliefs, proposition, and ethics. But that's not enough. You have to experience him to know him. There has to be a real connection. And on the other hand, Christianity is not only a spiritual religion. It's not like Eastern religions with no rational content. Christianity has hard edges to it. It says, "This is true, and this is false. This will get you saved. This will get you damned. This actually happened."...

To be a Christian is not just to believe in a set of propositions. It is that, but it's much more. It is to say,

"I count everything as loss or rubbish in comparison to my number one ambition, which is to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his suffering."

Paul is saying that if you understand the doctrine of the resurrection you don't just believe, you have a passion.

When I talk about having a passion for Christ, it might make you afraid that I mean you need to be a fanatic. Maybe you think, I had an aunt like that. All she did was talk about religion and the Bible and made everybody sick of it. That's not what we're talking about when we talk about a passion for Christ.

It's like my glasses. I don't spend all my time looking at and talking about my glasses. But I do spend all my time seeing everything through my glasses. And if my relationship between my and my glasses gets off, if they get too far down on my nose or get too dirty, it affects my perception of everything.

Likewise, a person with a passion for Christ is not necessarily always talking about Christ, but is looking at everything through Christ....

(This is an excerpt from the book
Jesus, Keep Me Near The Cross: Experiencing The Passion And Power Of Easter.)

The Temple Mount Faithful

2010-03-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

The following are excerpts from a statement released by an organization called The Temple Mount Faithful - a group Jews passionate about the 3rd rebuilding of the Temple happening now.

Be'esrat HaShem
With the help of G-d

The Temple Mount Faithful will march to the Temple Mount during Pesach, 1st April 2010, with the demand from the G-d and people of Israel: "Build the Temple of G-d now!"

The Temple Mount Faithful and Land of Israel Movement will march during Pesach, 1st April 2010, atop the Holy Temple Mount, calling to the Israeli government: "The G-d and people of Israel demand you to BUILD THE TEMPLE OF G-D NOW! There is no need to wait for the coming of the Messiah Ben David as He will come only when the Arab-Islamic enemy that desecrates G-d's Holy Hill is removed and the Temple is rebuilt. Do not fear any of your enemies. Trust in the G-d of Israel and His promises to His people at this critical time of the redemption of Israel."

The march will start at 11:30 am from the Jaffa Gate of the old biblical city of Jerusalem. At this place we shall demonstrate against the pressure coming from all the world, especially from the president of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama... We shall call to President Obama and to all of the others: "Take your hands off Jerusalem and the Holy Land of the G-d and people of Israel." We shall warn them with the Word of G-d:

"For, behold, in those days, and in that time, when I shall bring back the captivity of Judah and Jerusalem, I will also gather all nations, and will bring them down into the valley of Jehoshaphat, and will enter into judgment with them there for my people and for my heritage Israel, whom they have scattered among the nations, and have divided up my land. And the L-rd roars out of Zion, and utters his voice from Jerusalem; and the heavens and the earth shake; but the L-rd will be a shelter for his people and a stronghold for the children of Israel. So shall you know that I am the L-rd your G-d dwelling in Zion, my holy mountain: then shall Jerusalem be holy, and no strangers shall pass through her any more." Joel 4:1,2,16,17

During this past week in the Old City of Jerusalem, Israel dedicated the Hurva Synagogue that was destroyed twice by the Arabs in the 18th century and again in 1948 and has recently been rebuilt. During the dedication, the Chief Rabbi of Israel, Rabbi Yona Metzger, stated that 'Israel does not want to rebuild the Temple'. This statement -- which does not represent the deep desire, the prayers and the decision of the people of Israel since the destruction of the Temple in 70 CE -- has raised-up great opposition in Israel today.

When we shall arrive to the Hurva Synagogue, whose rebuilding symbolizes the rebuilding of the Holy Temple of G-d, we shall read the Word of G-d especially to Rabbi Metzger and to the ears of Israel and the entire world:

"Thus speaks the L-rd of hosts, saying, This people say, The time is not come, the time that the L-rd's house should be built. Then the word of the L-rd came by Haggai the prophet, saying, Is it time for you, yourselves, to dwell in your well timbered houses, whilst this house lies waste? Thus speaks the L-rd of hosts, saying, This people say, The time is not come, the time that the L-rd's house should be built?. Thus says the L-rd of hosts; Consider your ways, Go up to the mountain, and bring wood, and build the house; and I will take pleasure in it, and I will be glorified, says the L-rd." (Haggai 1:2-4, 7)

... The Temple Mount and Land of Israel Faithful Movement will call from the Holy Temple Mount to everyone in Israel and the entire world to stand and to help the Faithful Movement of G-d in every way to immediately change this shameful situation on the Temple Mount and to immediately build the Holy Temple of G-d atop Mt. Moriah, the Holy Temple Mount of G-d in Jerusalem. Everyone is invited to participate in this extremely important, historical and godly event.

In G-d we trust!!

- The Temple Mount and Land of Israel Faithful Movement

For the full article, please click here.

Because I Love Her...

2010-03-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

I made her... she is different. She is unique. With LOVE I formed her in her mother's womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the day I created her. (Psalm 139: 13-16)

I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh. And the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure. This is how I made her. (Psalm 139: 1-6)

I made her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart and knew she would be vain....I wanted her to search out her heart and learn that it would be me in her that would make her beautiful... and it would be ME in her that would draw friends to her. (1 Peter 3:3-5)

I made her in such a way that she would need me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be... Only because I need for her to learn to depend on me... I know her heart, I know if I had not made her like this she would go her own chosen way and forget me - her Creator. (Psalm 62:5-8)

I have given her many good and happy things... because I love her. Because I love her, I have also broken her heart... and the tears she has cried alone I have cried with her, and had a broken heart too. (Psalm 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone, only because she would not hold my hand. So many lessons she's learned the hard way because she would not listen to my voice. (Isaiah 41:13)

So many times I have sat back and sadly watched her go her merry way alone, only to watch her return to My arms, sad and broken. (Isaiah 65:2)

And now she is mine again...I made her, and then I bought her... Because I love her. (Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her... to renew her for what I have planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her or for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I want her to be conformed to My Image... this high goal I have set for her, because I Love Her. (2 Corinthians 2:14)

When the perfect arrives, the imperfect will disappear.

2010-03-20T18:11:00.000-07:00

I've been taking Greek so that I can better study the grammar and structure of Scripture. Today was our last day of class, and we each presented a 10 minute message on the verse of our choice. The following is what I presented, and I thought you might be blessed by it... a little exegesis action. :)

I Corinthians 13:10
The Glory of God

Context:
Paul is speaking to the Corinthian church. He just finished clarifying that the Spirit gives spiritual gifts in order to knit the body together, so they can build up and encourage one another in love. This church had become so wrapped up in the gifts that they were being practiced for selfish reasons, glorifying themselves or making themselves out to be extra spiritual.

Matthew Henry said: "Without love, the most glorious gifts are of no account to us, of no esteem in the sight of God. A clear head and a deep understanding, are of no value without a benevolent and charitable heart.This love is a clear proof of regeneration, and is a touchstone of our professed faith in Christ. In this beautiful description of the nature and effects of love, it is meant to show the Corinthians that their conduct had, in many respects, been a contrast to it. Love in its fullest meaning; true love to God and man, is an utter enemy to selfishness; it does not desire or seek its own praise, or honour, or profit, or pleasure."

In the verse I chose, Paul pulls together the work of the Spirit and the love for each other by refocusing their sight on the glory of God, reminding them that who they follow is beyond worthy of all the glory. In that light, he reminds them of his imminent return.

"but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away." (NASB)

"...but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears." (NIV)

In context:
(v.9) For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
we know = nosko - we perceive with certainty, we are aware of, we understand
prophesy = propheteuo - we speak with divine influence
part = meros - division, share, piece, portion

(v.10) but when the perfect comes*, the partial will be done away*.
when = hotan - whenever, implying hypothesis or uncertainty
the perfect/that which is perfect = teleios - complete in labor, growth, mental/moral character
comes = (see below)
the partial = the piece of understanding of him that we have
will be done away = katargethesetai/katargeo = rendered entirely useless/void

*COMES: elthE
3rd person, singular, 2 aortist, active, subjunctive
he/it, punctilliar (boom!) - reality of an action without emphasis as to elapsed time, second aorist = heightened expectation of something in the future, the subject performs the action, mood is start doing, begin
same as: erchomai and 2064
Thayers: equivalent to: come into being, arise, come forth, show himself, find place or influence

amplified: at the moment that He arrives and is from then on arrived

*WILL BE DONE AWAY: katargethEsetai
3rd person, singular, future, passive, indicative
predictive future - punctilliar action, being done by someone/thing, mood of reality as something really happening
same as: katargeo and 2673 - to render useless or unproductive, to make empty, to annul

amplified: at that moment in time it will absolutely be rendered useless by him who comes

Amplified Verse:
While we have some understanding of him now , and though we speak and walk and operate in the Spirit, what we have now is only a small glimpse of the overwhelmingly glorious perfection of the Lord. Whenever it will be that he finally arrives and reveals himself in all his fullness, our limited concept of who he is will be absolutely rendered useless by the completed intimate knowledge that he gives us.

Application:
While we are here in this life, we know that we should always be walking in the Spirit with our eyes set on God. We've heard that we should be keep our focus on spiritual things and not on worldly things. But even in our clearest sense of who we're looking towards, even in our most Spirit-filled moments, we haven't seen anything yet. His coming glory is so much more than our minds can fathom. Even bigger than the comfort we have that all things work together for good, and that He has a plan for us, is the knowledge that the source of all of these things is One who's nature is so good, so pure, and so holy, we can't even comprehend it. It puts things into perspective when we remind ourselves that we are going to live eternally with Him.

Cross References:
1Co 13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

2Co 5:6 So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, 2Co 5:7 for we walk by faith, not by sight.

Heb 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

1Co 2:9 But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him"--

Job 26:14 Behold, these are but the outskirts of his ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of him! But the thunder of his power who can understand?"

Psa 40:5 You have multiplied, O LORD my God, your wondrous deeds and your thoughts toward us; none can compare with you! I will proclaim and tell of them, yet they are more than can be told.

that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
Eph 3:18 may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, Eph 3:19 and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

1Jn 3:2 Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.

Rev 21:22 And I saw no temple in the city, for its temple is the Lord God the Almighty and the Lamb.
Rev 21:23 And the city has no need of sun or moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and its lamp is the Lamb.

A Simple Guide for Behavior

2010-03-19T00:55:00.000-07:00

Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults - unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, "Let me wash your face for you," when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

Don't be flip with the sacred. Throwing around the "right answers" with a shallow heart give no honor to God. Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege.

Here is a simple, rule of thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up the word of God and the natural moral code and this is what you get.

But why... does it matter if who god is to us is different?

2010-03-18T00:28:00.000-07:00

Q: What makes you so sure your god's the right god? If there were any god at all? I'm not atheist; I believe this planet is my god. And it doesn't matter, I have nothing to lose. Who cares?

A: "The creation of the world shows God's invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature-they have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

God, my God, is revealed in every minuscule detail of life - nature, people, science, relationships, etc. He's confirmed who He is (and His nature) in His word - which is confirmed by history, archaeology, prophecy, biology, etc. And around and around we go. He has given us every opportunity to know exactly who He is and who He is not, so that "men are without excuse." All other "gods" have proven themselves false, while God, my God, cannot be defeated.

You said you have nothing to lose, but there is plenty at stake.

If I'm wrong, and there is nothing after this life, and no God, I lose nothing.
If you're right, you gain nothing.
If you're wrong, and what I've shared with you is true, you will have lost everything, eternally. You will have permanently separated yourself from the source of every pure, good, comforting, redeeming thing in this world, choosing instead a perpetual death.

You seem like you're convinced that God, my God, is not God. Therefore, no matter what I might show you, you will insist on interpreting it in a manner that aligns with your presupposition that god is whatever you decide him or it to be.

If I had a thousand eye-witnesses saying they saw Him, you'd say it was a mass hysteria. Even if I have incontrovertible evidence, your presupposition would force you to interpret the facts consistently with your presupposition and you would not be able to see the proof.

Just remember: Truth does not fear investigation.

But why... would I believe a fairytale?

2010-03-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

Q: Why even believe the gospel? Haven't you heard? It's a fairytale, just some good brainwashing for a couple thousand years.

A: In terms of brainwashing, you're definitely onto something.

It is by none other than "...that ancient serpent called the devil, or Satan, who leads the whole world astray. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him."

He is the author of "...every sort of evil that deceives those who are perishing. They perish because they refused to love the truth and so be saved."

Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

In all seriousness - I know you meant the other way around. And I understand where you're coming from, because I was an atheist for 23 years.

On the contrary, with what I know now, I am willing to stake my life on this fact - Jesus Christ is God in the flesh, and lived and died and rose again to set me free of the eternal punishment I deserved. And he did it for you, too.

Are you willing to stake your life on the idea that its a fairytale? Because that's exactly what you're doing.

But why... is your god better than any other?

2010-03-18T00:10:00.000-07:00

Q: It seems like what you're saying is "my god's better than your god" when the reality is no god's better then any god. If people weren't so infatuated with a relationship with some magical all-knowing being, they would concern themselves with their relationships with other people and themselves. Why are you even telling me this, what's in it for you?

A: I'm not saying my God is better, I'm saying my God is God. If I say I'm 25, but you say I'm 22, can we both be right? No. To say that no god is better than any other is like saying I can be both 22 and 25 simultaneously. Two opposing "truths" can't both be true.

It's because I love God that I love other people. The love that the world shows is very shallow, very conditional love. The only way we can even know what love really is (unconditional, undeserved, self-sacrificial) is by knowing the Lord. I forgive much because I have been forgiven of an infinite amount. So in terms of concerning myself with relationships, I absolutely do. And it all flows out of the divine love that I've been given.

I'm telling you this out of that love. I don't know you, I don't know your past or your mind or your heart or even how many hairs you have on your head, but God does. My love for you is because He first loved me.

I know who I was before I knew Him and I shudder at how lost I realize now I had been. We are all broken, we all need a savior. We have one. I know Him.

Are there any who understand, any who seek?

2010-03-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

I saw this little poem posted on a discussion board in a Facebook group, and this is how I responded. (The poem is in bold, my own comments are italicized.))

There are only two things to worry about.

Either you are well or you are sick.
Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about.
Except that no one is well.
No one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the (moral) law; rather, through the law we become conscious of sin.

But if you are sick, there are only two things to worry about.
So then, we are all sick. We are saturated in sin.
Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, "The righteous will live by faith."

Either you will get well or you will die.
For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ. He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities. The punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about.
But all die. All die because all sin. Do you know anyone who has lived forever? I know One.
To you, Lord, I called, I cried for mercy: What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness?

If you die, there are only two things to worry about.
Since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. In Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.

Either you will go to heaven or hell.
Fear God and give him glory, because the hour of his judgment is coming very soon. Worship him who made the heavens, the earth, the sea and the springs of water.

If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.
He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels.

But if you go to hell, you'll grab a beer and meet up with your friends once you get there!
Everything you consider good (fun/comforting/pleasant) does not exist in hell. There are no friends, there is no beer. There is no life, only perpetual death.
I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. If anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire.

The Lord looks down from heaven on the sons of men to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God.

Nebuchadnezzar, the ruler of Babylon - literally the ruler of all the world, came to know the Lord only after God "wooed him with suffering," as they say.

"Now I, Nebuchadnezzar, praise and extol and honor the King of heaven, for all his works are right and his ways are just; and those who walk in pride he is able to humble."

But why.... would He want me?

2010-03-17T23:46:00.000-07:00

Q: "I've heard that God loves me, more than enough times. But that doesn't make sense. If he actually knows everything, then he knows everything I've done. And he can't possibly want anything to do with me. If anyone should be destined for hell, it's me."

When you say you'd be the first person to go to hell - I know the feeling. I should, based on what I've done in my life, be the last person allowed anywhere near a holy God, let alone to call Him Father. The Apostle Paul said the same thing (the same guy who wrote most of the New Testament letters)

"Here's a word you can take to heart and depend on: Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I'm proof - Public Sinner Number One - of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off - evidence of his endless patience - to those who are right on the edge of trusting him forever."

The thing about us, as people, is that we have ALL sinned - every single one of us. Though from our human perspective, its easy for us to start comparing ("Yes I stole a sweater, but that guy in jail stole a car!") but to an almighty and purely good God, all sin is sin. It's all completely contrary to who He is by nature. Jesus Himself said that if you think lustfully about someone, you've already committed adultery; if you think of someone with anger and resentment, its as though you've committed murder. By those standards, it seems that we all deserve the death penalty - I have yet to meet someone who has never lied, cheated, stolen, lusted, envied, etc... and I know I never will. (Ok, well - until I go to heaven to be with Him at least)

That's exactly it. None of us is worthy, in any capacity, of the love that was so generously poured out for us. None of us had any hope of approaching a holy God with our sin-saturated selves. But because of His love, His GREAT love, He chose to suffer and die on our behalf, even though we were the ones who deserved it. And because He is the only one who had never sinned (not once, not a little bit) and didn't deserve even a moment of that punishment, He rose from death. And when we know Him, He takes our record with red ink all over it, and trades us for His clean record.

'Clearly no one is justified before God by the law, because, "The righteous will live by faith."' (Gal. 3:11)

But why.... does evil exist?

2010-03-17T23:38:00.000-07:00

Q: "I know you say God is good, but there is so much bad in this world. It makes no sense why he would allow it if he's really in control. If he hates sin so much, why does he let people sin?"

A: Every good and perfect gift is from above. God is good to a degree that we can't fathom because no one and nothing else is so good. So its hard to understand why there is so much bad in this world, right?

It's about choice. Free will. You want Him to stop people from doing what they're doing - but do you want Him to stop you from doing what you're doing? Do you want Him to take control over you and make you like a robot?

And if you were a robot, capable only of doing exactly what He wanted you to do, where would the joy come from His having a relationship with you? Forced love is not love at all. He created you to know you, and even though we've messed that up royally, he took on our punishment because He wants so much to have a relationship with us.

So yes, He allows evil and sin. But all things are for His glory, and seeing how distorted the world is just shows the contrast between a holy God and a sinful human race.

The fact that you even recognize the difference between good and evil is yet another indication of who God is and that we are created in His image. Had we not been made in His image, we'd have no concept of it. Animals don't know morals. Animals know instincts and patterns. But human beings innately have a moral code written into their makeup. Sure, people break this code regularly (again, sin) but its not because they don't know its wrong. They either have to justify why it was a special circumstance, or make an argument (even just to themselves) that what they did wasn't really breaking the code. Either way, they are still naturally aware that there is a code to be broken - each of us has a conscience.

The Hurva Synagogue ---> Third Temple construction?

2010-03-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

If you're someone who's interested in eschatology, you may find these things interesting.

I was reading about the Hurva synagogue (go here: Bible Prophecy in the News) which was dedicated today. A few different Jewish websites were talking about how significant it is, and how its resuscitation had brought about a revival in the Jewish faith... interesting right? And what is even more interesting: it was prophesied that upon completion of the third rebuilding of the Hurva Synagogue, the third temple would immediately begin construction. Crazy!

And on top of that, tomorrow is the (1st annual) International Temple Mount Awareness Day. It's also Rosh Chodesh Nisan - that marks not only the first day of the year and the first day of nisan, but also the day that the tabernacle in the desert was dedicated and the Shechina glory rested in the tabernacle.Nisan itself is seen as a month with a significant theme - new beginnings, rebirth, renewal, and redemption (it is the month that the Jews were brought out of Egypt, as well as the month that has Passover - the foreshadow of Christ's sacrifice on our behalf).

As the Temple Institute says on their website:

"Nisan is the month of Redemption, the month in which our forefathers were redeemed from Egyptian bondage. But the month is called so not only because of the upcoming Festival of Passover and our ancestors' passage from slavery to freedom. Tradition teaches that in the future, as well, the great and final redemption will take place in Nisan."

On a Jewish website where I found the info about Rosh Chodesh Nisan, they said that this day in the Hebrew calendar is specifically associated with this verse from Song of Solomon -

"May my Beloved come to His Garden, and eat of its Delightful Fruit - I have come to My Garden, My Sister, My Bride."

It seems that it is a pretty significant day. I'm not claiming anything big is going to happen. But its certainly something to consider... (Lord, come!)

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

2010-03-10T02:15:00.000-08:00

I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have stepped over the line. The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by the Spirit's power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven. My road is narrow, my way rough, and my companions few; but my Guide is reliable and my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go on till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me because my banner will be clear!

- Author Unknown
(this has circulated the internet and no one knows the author,
but I have a feeling they wanted it that way)

The Lion and the Lamb

2010-03-02T01:00:00.000-08:00

A few short lines of a poem occured to me this morning in the silence of my room as I was getting ready.

He came first like a lamb - humble and meek
His strength in surrender, though they saw it as weak.

He will return like a lion - mighty and strong
Righteous His roar, and justice His song.

A Bit of Doxology For My Loves

2010-02-28T00:10:00.000-08:00

Dear friends -

Do not allow yourself to become discouraged by those who sneer at what they don't understand, and do whatever they feel like doing, following the whims of their sinful flesh. Do not be dismayed by those who hover like dark clouds when you come together, participating freely in your worship and fellowship and shamelessly taking more than what is offered. Their clouds hold no rain and their trees bear no fruit; they are lost stars traveling through space towards a black hole.

Remember, my friends, that the apostles saw this coming. "In the last days there will be people among you who don't take any of it seriously anymore. They'll treat what is precious like a joke, picking and choosing what they like and filling in the gaps with flesh-driven desires." They will divide you, living only by their natural instincts since they do not have the Holy Spirit.

But you, friends - you are different. Carefully build yourselves up in your most holy faith, praying in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourself planted, basking in the center of God's abundant love, waiting with open hands and outstretched arms for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to everlasting life.

Treat those who doubt in the faith with compassion and patience. Go after those who take the wrong way vigorously - snatch them from the fire and save them. Do not be soft on sin; its filth defiles everything it touches. But be tender with the sinner, and approach him with love and fear for his soul.

And now to Him who can keep you on your feet, unstained and rejoicing, standing tall before Him in all His glorious presence - to the only God our Savior, be every bit of glory, majesty, strength, and rule from before time began to the far reaches of eternity. Amen!

In His love,
Brigitte

All That Matters Now

2010-02-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

how many roads did i travel
before i walked down one that led me to you?
and how many dreams did unravel
before i believed in a hope that was true?
how long? how far?
what was meant to fulfill only emptied me still
and all you ever wanted....

only me
on my knees
singing holy, holy
and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy, holy

how many deaths did i die
before i was awakened to new life again?
how many half truths did i bear witness to
'til the proof was disproved in the end?
how long? how far?
what was meant to illuminate only shadowed me still
and all you ever wanted...

only me
on my knees
singing holy, holy
and somehow
all that matters now is
you are holy, holy

and all i have is gratitude to offer you
you are holy

-Nichole Nordeman

"Be Mine" - A Love Letter

2010-02-08T01:01:00.000-08:00

From He who made you in the first place:

Don't be afraid, I've redeemed you.
I've called your name. You're mine.
When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you.
When you're in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end -
Because I am the King of kings, I am your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I paid a huge price for you - all of Egypt, with wealthy Cush and Seba thrown in.
That's how much you mean to me!
That's how much I love you!
I'd sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.

I want you back, every last one who bears my name,
every man, woman, and child
Whom I created for my glory,
yes, personally formed and made each one of you.

I am God. I spoke, I saved, I told you what existed
long before any of these other gods and philosophies came about.
I've always been God and I always will be God.

Listen to my words -
I am He who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you:
Do not be afraid.
I will pour water on the thirsty land
and streams on the dry ground.

(Isaiah 43/44)

Tiny, Shivering Sparrows

2010-02-04T23:44:00.000-08:00

There was a farmer who was, by nature, a skeptic.

One raw winter night the man heard an irregular thumping sound against the kitchen storm door. He went to a window and watched as tiny, shivering sparrows, attracted to the evident warmth and light inside, beat in vain against the glass.

Touched, the farmer bundled up and trudged through the fresh snow to open the barn door for the struggling birds. He turned on the lights and tossed some hay into the corner. But the sparrows, which had scattered in all directions when he emerged from the house, hid in the darkness, afraid.

The man tried various tactics to get them into the barn. He laid down a trail of Saltine cracker crumbs to direct them. He tired circling behind the birds to drive them toward the barn. Nothing worked. He, a huge, alien creature, had terrified them; the birds couldn't comprehend that he actually desired to help them.

The farmer withdrew to his house and watched the doomed sparrows through a window. As he stared, a thought hit him like lightning from a clear blue sky:

If only I could become a bird - one of them - just for a moment. Then I wouldn't frighten them so. I could show them the way to warmth and safety.

At the same moment, another thought dawned on him. He had grasped the reason Jesus was born.

-Paul Harvey

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
Matthew 10:29-31

Others May, You Cannot.

2010-01-29T23:05:00.000-08:00

By G. D. Watson

"If anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself, take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
(Matthew 16:24-25)

If God has called you to be truly like Jesus in all your spirit, He will draw you into a life of crucifixion and humility. He will put on you such demands of obedience that you will not even be allowed to follow other Christians. In many ways, He seems to let other good people do things which He will not let you do.

Others who seem to be very religious and useful may push themselves, pull wires, and scheme to carry out their plans, but you cannot. If you attempt it, you will be met with such failure and rebuke from the Lord as to make you sorely penitent.

Others can brag about themselves, their work, their successes, their writing; but the Holy Spirit will not allow you to do any such thing. If you begin to do so, He will lead you into deep mortification that will make you despise yourself and all your good works.

Others will be allowed to succeed in making great sums of money, or having a legacy left to them, or in having luxuries, but God may supply you on only a day to day basis, because He wants you to have something far better than gold - a helpless dependence on Him and His unseen treasury.

The Lord may let others be honored and put forward while keeping you hidden in obscurity because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory - fruit which can only be produced in the shade.

God may let others be great, but keep you small. He will let others do a work for Him and get the credit, but He will make you work and toil without ever knowing how much you are doing. Then, to make your work still more precious, He will let others get the credit for the work which you have done; this is to teach you the message of the Cross, humility, and something of the value of being cloaked in His nature.

The Holy Spirit will put a strict watch on you. With a jealous love He will rebuke you for careless words and feelings, or for wasting your time, which other Christians never seem distressed over. So make up your mind that God is infinite and sovereign and has a right to do as He pleases with His own, and that He may not explain to you a thousand things that may puzzle your reason in His dealings with you.

God will take you at your word. If you absolutely sell yourself to be His slave, He will wrap you up in a jealous love, and let other people say and do many things that you cannot. So settle it forever; you are to deal directly with the Holy Spirit, and He is to have the privilege of tying your tongue or chaining your hand or closing your eyes in ways which others are not dealt with.

However, know this great secret of the Kingdom: When you are so completely possessed with the Living God that you are, in your secret heart, pleased and delighted over this peculiar, personal, private, jealous guardianship and management of the Holy Spirit over your life, you will have found the portal of heaven, the high calling of God.

G.D. Watson (1845-1924) was a Wesleyan Methodist minister and evangelist based in Los Angeles. His evangelistic campaigns took him to England, the West Indies, New Zealand, Australia, Japan and Korea. He also wrote several books.

Conditional "Love"

2010-01-25T17:23:00.000-08:00

There is no such thing as conditional love.

Love is either unconditional, or it is not love. You might like someone conditionally, based on their behavior, personality, or circumstances. But love accepts no boundaries. So never say, "I love you, because..." for love has no cause. Real love comes from God.

I Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient. (willing to endure, accommodating, easy going)
Love is kind. (considerate, gracious, gentle, thoughtful, understanding)
Love is not boastful, (arrogant, conceited, imposing)
or rude, (boorish, insulting, intrusive, abrupt, coarse)
or selfish. (egocentric, greedy, wrapped up in oneself)
Love isn't easily angered, (touchy, hot tempered, impatient, tempermental)
and it doesn't keep score of wrongs. (not resentful, exasperated, cynical, or bitter)
Love does not delight in evil things, but rejoices in the truth. (honest, ethical, pure, trustworthy)
Love always protects, (guards from harm, cares for, keeps safe, goes to bat for)
always trusts, (leans on, presumes, places confidence in)
always hopes, (believes, cherishes, looks forward to, aspires)
and always perseveres. (carries on, endures, pursues, stays the course, survives)
Love never fails. (never defeated, never deteriorates, never backslides)

Our Backbone & Brawn (Psalm 46)

2010-01-24T17:17:00.000-08:00

The Lord keeps giving me Psalm 46 through a variety of means, so I knew it was time to dig deeper into it and let Him minister to my heart. Whoa.

Psalm 46

God is our refuge. Our place to hide, our escape. He is our hideaway. God is our strength. He is our backbone and brawn, the courage we lack. Our stability and security. His solace never ceases. His sanctuary is sustained and unyielding. His comfort is continuous and enduring. He is our source of nourishment, remedy, and guidance when we are bent to our breaking point, overwhelmed by adversity.

Therefore, we will not fear. We won't be intimidated in watching the world fall to pieces, or frightened by the pandemonium around us. Through tsunamis and earthquakes, we will not be afraid.

Selah

Because, in the midst of this mess, there is a continuous, rushing flow of living water; it satisfies and sustains the holy dwelling of the Most High God. He is within her, she will not collapse. God will be her aid from the very first moment of the day.

Wars and famines, genocides and disasters. Governments disintegrating. But the Lord could utter one single word and the whole world would liquefy and evaporate.

The Lord of angels, the King of kings, is on our side. Our Heavenly Father, who loves us through our worshiping Him and wrestling with Him, is our protector.

Selah

Come, take a look at His story - history. Look at all the ways He has shown the world His power. No matter how massive the military or advanced the weapons and technology, they are no match for God. He can level the earth without breaking a sweat.

"Stop. Relax. Put your efforts on hold. Let yourself go weak. Just know who I Am - the Infinite. The Indestructible. The Almighty. I will be number one in all cultures; I will be glorified by my creation."

The Lord of angels, the King of kings, is on our side. Our Heavenly Father, who loves us through our worshiping Him and wrestling with Him, is our protector.

Selah

I know someone who can.

2009-12-29T13:20:00.000-08:00

You have built yourself a fine fortress
And you're the only one who holds the key
You've resolved to pilot your own ship
And you decide what all the rules'll be
No more asking for answers
No more cries for help
You've been hurt for the last time
That's what you tell yourself

I don't know much more than this
But I know someone who does
I was not there in your past
But I know someone who was
I can't heal what lies within
But I know someone who can
I know someone who can

It's a drag living life like this
Believe me, I've been there a thousand times
Spending everyday on the defense
And building walls no one could ever climb
Till somebody showed me my fortress was a cage
And granted me my freedom
Since then I haven't been the same

So you can lock me out
Of your life as you've designed it
But I know there's peace and
I'll be on my knees until the day you find it

Introducing the Truth

2009-12-21T17:36:00.000-08:00

We've got a false Jesus being portrayed. I've seen him on TV, acting cool - you see, he's changed - this different Jesus than from the Bible. So allow me to bring the real Christ on the stage. Not that whack Jesus, the one not-based-on-fact Jesus, too often displayed. The Christ in glory, not the one that leaves his Father dismayed. I mean the real Jesus, that only dwells in the saved.

So allow me to paint the picture of Christ in the Scriptures, preaching the faith and repentance that your too-cool Jesus never seems to mention. It seems like he's fine with all the things that you do, but come on - there's only one Jesus that is true. Which one will you let reign over you? Who? The millionaire Jesus, who just wants to make you rich? Give you some money and fame to prove that you are blessed? The Kanye West Jesus who walks with no holiness? Which one will you choose?

I think it's long overdue to have a reintroduction of Christ, so there won't be any confusion as to which one is right - because one leads to death, and the other is life. Allow me to reintroduce Christ - he's been distorted by the people and it's just not right. He's not someone you can pimp around to propel your cause, or a name for you to proclaim to cover up your flaws.

Look, if this is you then you're serving a different boss, your Christ is an idol, and you're probably lost - because the Christ in the Scriptures gave a call to forsake all, not to wear a cross but to take up your cross and follow him. We were holding a death sentence because of our sin, and it's his mercy that his wrath hasn't burned times ten. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah but a curse within. You see, he gives us a chance to learn of him so that he can be glorified in his rightful place. So if we're serving this imitation Jesus, its like a blatant slap in the face, distorting his grace and disregarding his sacrifice. Like the Purpose Driven Jesus, who prophecies you'll be used by him before you're given new life. Or the SAT Jesus, who helps you on all your tests and quizzes, gets you into college, allows you to pass math and physics. Or the homosexual Jesus who doesn't see you sinning. Which one will you choose?

So I think it's long overdue to have a reintroduction of Christ, where there won't be any confusion as to which one is right, because one leads to death and the other is life. Allow me to reintroduce the Christ - not someone where we can cover his mouth, so we can continue to indulge in our dirt, as if he doesn't require us to repent from all sin, to be born again, to never blend in. This world is a material girl, she's got you seduced, she feeds you phony Jesus that doesn't want to save you from your sins but just wants to hang out with you - like "Jesus is my homeboy" or "Jesus got me employed" or "Jesus is my decoy."

Would the real Jesus please stand up? The one who is true? Because he's been pushed down and these idols have been elected up to the point where if the real Jesus came back right now, some would probably hang him upside down on one of these beams and crucify him again, because he's not down with their sin. It hurts me to see how his own people will defend their lifestyle. Don't we want to know Christ? The one who willingly gave his life? Who sets us free from our sin, you see? And I must do this by any means necessary, and never hide the light. So tonight, I'm going to introduce Jesus Christ. He's been distorted by the people and it's just not right.

And one day he is coming back, and its important that you recognize him, because the Scriptures talk about that. There will be many who say they are Jesus, but which one is fact? You've got to look in the Bible to see about that - that he's coming on the clouds with power and glory, and every knee will bow and testify to his authority. So the Jesus of the Scriptures better take priority - not the one that's excepted easily by the majority, when he himself said the world would hate him. So why all of a sudden does the world want to date him?

Hopefully you haven't given into this come-as-you-are/stay-as-you-are Jesus, this "He has this wonderful plan for my life" Jesus, the "you don't need repentance" Jesus, the all-roads-lead-to Jesus. I hope you haven't given into this, but that you serve the one who is holy, because it would be something if on Judgment Day, the Jesus you've been serving was falsely an angel of light, which covered a legion of demons masquerading as Christ. All this time serving a Jesus who's not been pierced in his feet and his wrists, has no sword coming out of his mouth, no rod of righteousness - and go on day by day and willingly miss him, when it turns out you were serving a created image headed straight for the abyss.

Let's get into Scripture, so we're not fooled by this Jesus who when we're sinning, he stands by us quiet. Giving into this Jesus that the world loves - the Jesus who is cool with your lies and sex and vanity and phony love - and all the things that caused Christ in the Scripture to shed blood. Let's make sure we're serving the right Christ, not a wolf in sheep's clothing that's got you enticed.

The true one. The wants-to-make-you-new one. The only begotten Son.

-Blair Wingo
http://www.p4cm.com

Who do you say I am?

2009-12-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

¹ Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would
have thought God's saving power would look like this?

^2-6The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him.

^7-9He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.

¹⁰Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he'd give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.

^11-12Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.

- Isaiah 53 (written approx. 700 years before the birth of Jesus)

Fast forward to approx. 33 AD. Before Jesus was convicted, he was brought before the council to be questioned, but he knew that they had already made up their minds. They said, "If you are the Christ, tell us." But he said to them, "If I tell you, you will not believe, and if I ask you, you will not answer. But from now on the Son of Man will be seated at the right hand of the power of God." (Luke 22)

And they beat him, scourged him, crucified him, and buried him. And after rising three days later, he appeared to his disciples. He said to them, "So thick-headed! So slow-hearted! Why can't you simply believe all that the prophets said? Don't you see that these things had to happen, that the Messiah had to suffer and only then enter into his glory?" Then he started at the beginning, with the Books of Moses, and went on through all the Prophets, pointing out everything in the Scriptures that referred to him. (Luke 24)

Who do you say he is?

Does anybody even know that you're a Christian?

2009-12-21T02:22:00.000-08:00

Does anybody even know that you're a Christian?

When you go to your school or your job, can anybody tell by your actions that you believe in God? Or can they not tell the difference between what you believe and how you act, because you're always at the club with a drink or talking about somebody else behind their back? And when they finally figure out you're a Christian they start talking behind yours, and you wonder why when people look at you they can't even respect the fact that you're a Christian anymore. You may be the only example they have. And if they can't tell the difference between your walk and their walk then they're not going to follow God's path.

Does anybody even know that you're a Christian? Do the people even know that the God in you is there? When somebody who doesn't believe in God loses somebody in their family, do they even think to go to you for prayer? Because they don't know where else to go? And if not, then when did Jesus become your personal secret for no one else to know? Are you serious? Jesus Christ didn't get stretched out on the cross as your testimony to be mysterious, because solid testimonies have saved souls, yet our testimonies lay low and we wonder why the world is raising hell? A lot of Christians are too worried about other people's opinions and too busy trying to save themselves.

I don't know what's worse - nobody even knowing I'm a Christian or the only people knowing I'm a Christian are the people at my church? What you have to understand is people sacrifice their lives to spread the love of Jesus throughout the earth, and you mean to tell me you're more worried about what other people may think or believe? What if Jesus was more concerned about other people's opinions than the salvation you received? They made him bleed until he bled all his blood, 'til he was dead, nails in feet, thorns in head - what if Jesus had been less concerned about spreading the gospel and more concerned with what other people said, instead?

But no, instead he stood for what's right - just so everybody in the world could know that "God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him will not perish but have everlasting life." Does anybody know that you're a Christian by your actions? Or does everybody think that you're a Christian because you're acting? And the only reason I'm asking is because half of us are putting on a facade, trying to treat our walk with God like we're expecting full time benefits when he's our part time job. But working for God's not a part time gig, its not a job, or a career, its a lifestyle that you live.

What you have to understand is that one soul's trash is another soul's treasure, and if you won't stand up and take the time, then pop culture will continue to convince them that Jesus can't save them. Does anybody know that you're a Christian? Are you letting his life shine through?

How many times are you going to deny Jesus before Jesus denies you?

-Karness, Lyricist Lounge

Love So Undeserved

2009-11-28T23:52:00.000-08:00

Why?
Why are You still here with me?
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am

-Barlowgirl

Successfulness vs Fruitfulness

2009-08-31T17:01:00.000-07:00

"There is a great different between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control and respectability. Fruitfulness, however comes from weakness and vulnerability.

A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability,

community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and

intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another's wounds.

Let's remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness."

-- Henri Nouwen

So Tired of the Middle

2009-08-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

Living life in the middle has been weighing heavily on my mind lately. I've been reassessing a life that has scooted too close to complacency. The same life laid down for the One I love is desperately thirsty for a drink of Living Water. My daily prayer is that God would stir up my embers, and get my fire roaring again.
I read a book recently called "Crazy Love." Its one of those books that you get so into that you believe everyone you know, no matter what situation they are in, needs to read it.
I've been packing and listening to music, thinking, praying; this song came on, and sums up my heart better than I could.

Somewhere In The Middle - Casting Crowns

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You're making me
Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle

"A man by his sin may waste himself, which is to waste that which on earth is most like God. This is man's greatest tragedy and God's heaviest grief." -AW Tozer

A godly man reminded me today that to not be satisfied with whatever we've been given is to sin, and likewise to not follow where God leads, and instead choose what is safe and comfortable is sin.

I'm challenged to put on my blindfold and listen to His voice lead me through whatever meadow or minefield he has for me.

Confusedly Obedient

2009-07-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

I had a vision this morning.

That fact alone is very unusual, but in the few instances God has given me a vision, it has been an answer to a question I keep praying about, and usually an affirmation of our relationship in some symbolic form.

But today, the vision was of a particular exit (Red Hill) off of a particular freeway (the 5 North). It's a freeway I drive on maybe once every 3-4 months, and I've never taken this exit. I didn't know what was there or have any idea why God would take me there. All I knew was that I felt very compelled to go there, and I couldn't get it out of my mind.

I mulled it over for about an hour before I talked myself into getting in my car and driving up there, just to see. I reasoned that I would drive up and if there didn't seem to be a reason, then I would get Chick-Fil-A (at Jamboree, the exit just before the one I was headed to) and go home.

On my way there, I considered the possibilities - I knew there is a Christian dinner theater in the area somewhere, maybe they were having auditions today? Maybe there was someone with a flat tire that needed help? Maybe I would run into someone I knew? I had plenty of time to think about it during the 20 minute drive.

As I came up to Jamboree (the exit just before) I considered getting off to go straight to lunch, starting to feel kind of silly for having driven there in the first place. But there was still a tugging to just go one more.

As I merged into the right lane to exit at Red Hill, I looked to my right where my vision had led me to and I saw a big billboard over a building that said "CHURCH & THE ARTS." I came up to the building and saw that it was a Christian Thrift Store. I pulled into the parking lot and spent almost an hour browsing the aisles. I found a cd called "the INVITATION" and a book called "The Gift for All People," which I bought for my mom. I found the only expansion pack I don't have for a game I've been playing a LOT (read: too much) lately. And I found some cute seersucker shorts that are perfect for Israel.

I finally arrived at the counter with my items, happy to support the store but regretting spending money when I don't have an income. I asked the man how much my total was and found that it was 50% off everything today - my total came to $4.87. What a deal!

I told the man my story and he was excited like I was. I asked if they had serving or donation needs, and he said just prayer for the store and the pastor who owns it and is very sick.

As much as I had no idea where I was going or why I was going when I was on my way there, I've spent the rest of the day smiling, knowing that God sent me on a tiny mission today. And the greatest joy is knowing that he rewards obedience with more direction. I'm looking forward to more outings with my Shepard. :)

Fears Left Unfixed

2009-06-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

Daughter of Zion is lying crying in the mist
Morning light slips in, shifting through the darkness
Like a mourning wife reminisces, having visions of her long gone prince
Memories drip rain drops, tip towing emptiness
Intermixed with tears like fears left unfixed
Walls worn thin frozen fortress like dawn
Waiting for the sunrise of a day that got skipped
Like a life gone wrong wandering wilderness
Lovesick stripped abyss empty once luscious

-Matisyahu

Back Into Your Arms

2009-06-11T00:19:00.000-07:00

Home
Come riding on a rushing wind
Blow through our hair and touch our skin
I want to feel You now like I felt You then

Strip away my calloused heart
Set Your arrow hit Your mark
Bring me back to where love starts
Bring me back to where You are

Father I'm running Father I'm coming home
I cannot go on
Your child is running, Father I'm coming home
Back where I belong

I know You've heard this all before
When I'm down and crying on the floor
Saying I want You and nothing more

But I'm breaking in my heart tonight
I've tried to stand I've tried to fight
But I cannot see without Your light
No I cannot breathe without You

When I saw you I was ashamed
You were pure and I was stained
But You ran to me and You called my name
There were tears of joy upon Your face

Let My Heart Defeat My Mind

2009-06-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Seeing Truth in Coincidences

2008-12-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

It was on Sunday that I was strongly inspired to hold a garage sale this coming Sunday, to benefit the 40% of the world who does not have clean water (which is the leading cause of death above anything else). I knew it sounded crazy because it was such short notice, but I felt very compelled to do it now, before Christmas. I looked at my schedule and knew the only day possible was Sunday, December 21st.

Against my own judgment and the advice of friends and co-workers, I decided I would do it this Sunday. I felt very called to do anything I could to pull it together in one week, and I trust that if it is God's hand leading me towards that, that he will help make it happen.

I woke up this morning tired but looking forward to a much needed day off, so I could put up all my signs and finish distributing the flyers to the houses in my neighborhood. As I was lying in bed, I got the urge to look up scripture for 12/21.

12/21.... Garage sale to clear out our un-necessaries to benefit countless others who don't have nearly what we do. I challenged everyone to look at what they have and see what it is that they don't need.

Luke 12:21 "This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

And in context:

Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." And he told them this parable: "The ground of a certain rich man produced a good crop. He thought to himself, 'What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.' Then he said, 'This is what I'll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. And I'll say to myself, "You have plenty of good things laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry." '

"But God said to him, 'You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' "This is how it will be with anyone who stores up things for himself but is not rich toward God."

Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!

And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom.

Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys.

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
(Luke 12:15-34)

Lord, I pray that you will open the hearts of the people I come in contact with, that they would see how extravagantly they live and how much excess they have to give. I pray Lord that their heart would break for the impoverished the way your's does, and that they would recognize how much of a difference they could make. I pray for their treasure to be in your kingdom and not in this world Lord. And I pray for sunshine on Sunday and an abundance of things to sell and people to buy them. I pray these things in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Through The Days And Nights

2008-11-23T16:46:00.000-08:00

I've come to learn that sometimes the best worship songs are disguised as mainstream music.

No One - Alicia Keys

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better
You and me together
Through the days and nights (Psalm 7:10)
I don't worry 'cause
Everything is gonna be alright (Matthew 6:25)
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything is gonna be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you (Matthew 4:10)

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain (Psalm 6)

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry cause
Everything is gonna be alright (Psalm 118:6)
People keep talking
They can say what they like
But all I know is everything is gonna be alright

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have (Ecclesiastes 7:29)
I know people will try
Try to divide
Something so real
So till the end of time (1 Corinthians 15:54)
I'm telling you there is no one

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you (Proverbs 4:23)

Once Was Lost, But Now I'm Found.

2008-11-15T23:30:00.000-08:00

To step out of your comfort zone when you feel as though God has called you to something different takes a ton of trust and faith... in not only him, but in your own ability to know what his will is. There have been so many instances of this lately, and though they've been everything ranging from unusual to almost overwhelmingly intimidating, the Lord has again and again proven to be so completely faithful in leading me safely through and the outcome is better than anything I could have thought up or planned out myself.

So tonight, I had plans to hang out with a friend of mine in San Diego. The plan was to have a relaxed night at her house, which I was in the mood for, but when we talked this afternoon there was a possible change in plans that meant she would be coming up here instead, and we'd be going with some friends of hers I hadn't met, to a bar I haven't been to in a long time. I wanted to hang out with her and I didn't want to be a hassle, so I agreed, though it wasn't what I had hoped or planned for.

I came home from work and laid on my bed and thought up a slew of valid reasons why I wasn't going to go. Aside from my foul mood and lack of energy, I've made an intentional effort to step out of the drinking/bar scene recently, and I didn't feel the desire to be back there. But something in me told me I really needed to go, so I dragged myself off the bed and got ready. It didn't seem to make sense that God would call me to go out to a bar when he's called me to do very much the opposite. I didn't want to drink and wasn't in the mood to chat with new people, but cheered up when I met her friends and settled in. We had a nice conversation (and some delicious chicken strips) but honestly spent most of the time wondering why I had felt so strongly that I was called to be there. I started doubting my ability to "test and approve" what God's will is, and my own faith in myself.

It wasn't until we were paying our bill and getting ready to leave that whatever we were talking about reminded her friend (one who I had just met) of her roommate, and all the things she's struggling with and the mess she's in. Most of this girl's story could have been my own testimony. It hit me so hard to hear how broken she is, knowing exactly what that pain feels like. I knew I needed to do something, so when we walked to our cars I gave her my information and asked her to pass it on to her roommate.

I don't know if she'll give it to her or what her roommate's reaction will be, but I believe with all my heart that if there is anybody who can understand fully where she is and see her without condemnation, but with love and the knowledge that even the most broken heart can be put back together and the emptiest places can be filled, it's me. God doesn't waste anything, and he shows me constantly that even my most painful pieces have very important purposes.

See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off?And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off.

In the same way
your Father in heaven
is not willing that any
of these little ones
should be lost.

Matthew 18:10-14

I started crying as soon as I got in my car (if you know me, you know the significance of tears) and I prayed for this girl the whole way home, and my heart just continues to break for her. I don't know her name or what she's doing right now (she's out of town), but I have a clear idea of what to pray for.

I would appreciate immensely if you would help me pray for her - that God would invade and fill in every part of her life; that he would heal and soothe all of the emotional and physical scars, that he would be her wall of fire and protect her from those influences that make her feel worthless and empty and encourage her to self destruct; that he would meet her in a tangible way right where she is that she couldn't avoid or deny; that he would speak to her in her dreams; that he would surround her with positive, loving and encouraging influences, who would show her how loved and valuable she is; that she would have the courage to contact and meet with me; and that the Holy Spirit would give me the right words and be a guiding presence in our interaction.

There are many more. I could go on. I can't describe how heavily this is on my heart.

For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.

Heavenly Father, you are so faithful in your promises and in your protection. I am so thankful for how you are continuously shaping me and giving me the courage to be obedient, even when I can't make sense of it or am overcome with fear and doubt. I know you don't give us more than we can handle, and I'm so thankful that you entrust me with so much. I am so grateful for this heart you've given me, and for the life you've led me through - each and every piece of it. You've gone before me Lord, and I trust you completely. Thank you for redeeming and renewing me the way you have and continue to. In Jesus' loving and forgiving name, Amen.

Entrusted.

2008-11-10T23:02:00.000-08:00

The more I grow in my faith, the more of a sense of responsibility I feel for the people around me, and most recently my good friends. It makes me feel like a mama hen with chicks to nurture and love, and I am honored and inspired when they come to me with questions or wanting to learn with me. Wow! Whoever would have thought I would be here, today; November 10th, less than seven months after the day I met God for the first time.
Only a few months ago I was at a spot where I felt too self-conscious to talk openly about my relationship with him, always worrying what the other person would be thinking about me. As I learn how to "be bold in front of God" and put aside my uncertainties about being open and authentic, I am seeing how crucial that is. My friendships are deeper, our connections are more genuine, and God has been a powerful part of our conversations.
As I learn what it means to surrender (even down to my own doubts!) I watch him do miraculous things in the hearts of people I care about. How awesome is that!

Heavenly Father... Its only through you that I realize I have nothing to fear. Sometimes you lead me into situations I don't think I know how to handle but you're always faithful in getting me through them as I listen to you. Lord I pray that I would not lose sight of what you call me to do. I pray that you would not take your Holy Spirit from me, that you would continue to nudge me in the right directions, and that I would never give up listening. You know best, Father, even in those situations that seem scary and impossible, you prove to be right by my side with the best answer to all my questions. I couldn't possibly be more thankful for that, and for you, for the way you protect me and guide me. You've shown me so clearly in the past few days what an overwhelming freedom there is in surrendering to you, and what an incredible sense of joy there is at the end of even the darkest tunnels. Thank you Lord for loving me the way you do. Nothing in this world could ever compare. I pray that you would continue to stir up the hearts of those dear to me Lord, and that you would guide me in our conversations. I pray also that you would continue to strengthen me so that those around me could see the work you're doing in me. Lead me not into temptation, Lord, but deliver me from evil. Guard my heart Lord. I pray this all in your peaceful and powerful name, Amen.

Pain in the Offering

2008-10-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

Psalm 38

6: I am bowed down and brought very low; all day I go about mourning.
8: I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.
9: All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.
10: My heart pounds, my strength fails me; even the light has gone from my eyes.
15: I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God.
17: For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.
18: I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.
21: O Lord, do not forsake me; be not far from me, O my God.
22. Come quickly to help me, O Lord my Savior.

Floored.

2008-10-22T17:05:00.000-07:00

I'll be completely honest with you and say that I envy those who can hear God's voice. I know he communicates with everyone in different ways, and (as of yet) that isn't how he speaks to me.

But at those times when he very directly speaks to me, I am no less floored. Often, it will be something that may seem common or trivial to those who weren't in on my prayers or thoughts. A sudden coincidence, and a very clear reminder of what is on my heart at the time. Or a song will come on the radio as I'm praying in the car, and the lyrics will clearly answer the questions I was asking him. And every time, the only thing I can do is sit in stunned silence and awe. It's very humbling to be addressed by the Holy King, no matter how it is that he speaks.

I had a moment like that a few minutes ago and was so moved by it that I knew I needed to write it down, because it's times like these that I like to look back on when I'm wondering where he is. As if he ever leaves.

For the backstory, please scroll down to the bottom of the post.

Here I am, just home from work and cranky and I sit down at my computer to check my email, all of these thoughts circling through my head - how I'll wait 'til I hear from him again to unload all these things on him, things I need that I'm not getting, and that I don't want to talk to him anymore and this isn't worth it to me. I'm sitting here almost looking forward to the moment that I can turn tables and make him feel as dispensable as he's made me feel.

I open my "Encouragement for Today" daily devotional from Christianity.com and again, sit here in awe and disbelief that still, that what God is still asking me for loud and clear is patience and perseverance. Even in the face of rejection. (God, you never did say it was going to be easy.) I'm floored.

Here it is, the answer to my questions, titled "Rejected Again?"

Now of course, there are two different dynamics here. There is the relationship side and the spiritual side. As far as a relationship is concerned, things are not good. But I have been telling God for 5 months that his sanctification is more important to me than our being together, and that is still true. God only knows why we've been put in each other's lives, but if I'm in his to help renew and restore his heart, it is disobedient to turn away when it gets hard.

And maybe through these things will come something stronger and more fruitful between us than whatever we could possibly have had before. Only time will tell that.

I do know I need to go about things very differently to preserve my own heart though.
Above all else, guard your heart; for it is the wellspring of life. (Prov. 4:23)

Lord, I know you never said it would be easy, but I know you won't test me beyond what I can bear. Lord help me to keep my eyes fixed on you as I walk with someone who is suffering and to release the heaviness in my own heart. Take away his heart of stone Lord and replace it with a heart of flesh. Give me the right words to speak Lord and the endurance and patience to keep going when I want to give up. Lord I ask also that you give me the courage to pray with him next time I see him. Thank you for the incredible transformation in him that you're already making and for the opportunity you give me to work for you. In Jesus' ever patient name I pray these things. Amen.

The Backstory: In the Spring I was dating this guy who I had an instant, crazy connection with and deep care for, and vice versa. Everything seemed as close to perfect as it could get and I never thought I would see the end of it. If you've read earlier posts, you'll remember that he's the one who taught me about God and the gospel and led me to Christ. Impactful, to say the least.

For reasons not totally understood by me, he went from hot to cold very soon after I became a Christian, which caused me a great deal of anxiety and heartbreak. I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong and was consumed by it. As I soon learned, he was deep in a spiritual struggle, knowing what he should be doing and doing very much the opposite. Bad habits that he had repressed all returned to the surface. He drank a lot and smoked a lot and refused to come to church. He lost his convictions and gave up trying.

Every day as I sat in prayer, distressed and hurting, I asked God how he could be this way all of a sudden and what I should do. Even though I felt like the only answer was to break up with him, I kept getting this strong overwhelming feeling as I prayed that I needed to wait and to be patient.

And I tried. It was a month of his being completely shut down and my worrying before he broke up with me. I told him it didn't feel right, and about my prayers. He asked me later after he left if it still didn't feel right; it didn't. He said he'd be a fool not to listen to that, but it was never brought up again.

Over the past five months since we broke up, it was ugly. We saw each other a couple times and it was bad. Really crazy coincidences would happen all the time pointing right to him, and I tried to brush them off. My heart wouldn't heal, and I finally convinced myself that we really were never going to return to the way it was when we were happy. Nonetheless, I thought about him every day, and his heart and strength in the Holy Spirit was the only consistent thing I prayed for daily, even though he was harsh and critical and hurtful when we talked.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I saw him again and things seemed dramatically different. He had a gentleness about him again, and the kindness in his eyes returned. He was humble and respectful, and apologized for all the things he had done and said over that time. We were on the phone all night, talking about how we'd never been able to get over each other and he said it just hadn't been the right time. He told me again and again how much he needs me in his life, and that the people he's surrounded by lead him towards the sins he feels he can't escape. He said he needed my influence on his life, that although he as the man is the leader and the "head," that I am the neck, which supports and guides the head where to go.

We decided to be very intentional on taking it slow this time. We started seeing each other every few days, and it felt like he had become the incredible guy I first met again. All at once he quit smoking, cut down drastically on drinking, cleaned his apartment, and got his stuff together. I can't describe the joy of seeing a heart being restored after the hours and hours of tearful prayers and blessing my 'enemy.' In some ways it feels as though he was in my life to guide me spiritually, and now maybe I was there for him in the same way.

After a few weeks we made the mistake of getting too comfortable and saw each other a few days in a row. I think it freaked him out and he shut down, yet again. I thought to myself, "how can this be happening again??" Not only is it painful in a relationship, but it makes me feel devalued and broken. I knew I needed to do it differently.

So instead of worrying and asking what was wrong and pleading for time together thinking that was going to fix it, I left him alone. We didn't talk for days and when we did see each other again, it seemed like everything was back to normal. But, yet again, it seems that he's switched off and become selfish again, and it brings me right back to that anxious, hurt feeling I had before. I don't want anything to do with that. I can't do it again. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells and pretend I don't want to talk to him for days at a time for fear that he'll become that person.

So all last night and all today I have been praying, asking God what to do, but thinking I knew full well what I needed to do. I've come up with all these conversations I wanted to have about how I deserve a lot better than this and that I don't want to have anything to do with him when he's like this. And those things are both true. But it was the way that I was planning it that I just realized is not the way God wants it. It was coming from anger and frustration.

Awakened.

2008-09-14T05:02:00.001-07:00

*Before I start, I'd just like to say,
I made it onto the Motion writing team.
It's an empowering feeling to be able
to use a gift the way that God intended me to,
for his glory.*

My church set this week aside to focus all of our attention on God so that we'd be open to hearing what he had to say about the coming ministry year for our church and for ourselves.

There were many spiritual disciplines that we were going to practice, none of which I had experienced before. But I went all in. Here's what my week looked like.

Wake up at 4:45am.
Be at church by 6am for contemplative prayer and quiet time.
Leave at 7am for home, pray, journal, read, and get ready for work.
Work 9:30am to 6pm. Use lunch break to study the bible. (I also wrote down any verses that stuck out to me, which as I write this entry and read over them, I realize how closely they correlate with the events of the week. I've included a few.)
Drive straight to church for evening service.
Worship/pray from 7pm to 10pm.
Drive home. Journal or read, pray.
Sleep around 11pm.

(Repeat)

I was also fasting. I have been reading a lot about and have been wanting to experience it for myself. I'd planned to fast only lunch, and to use that half hour a day to read and focus and pray, but I felt called to push myself further than that. I can't say I was completely consistent though, there were two nights after church that I really needed to eat something. I also fasted from the things that normally capture all of my attention: internet, TV, etc. I really spent all of my time (minus work) devoting my energy to God.
It was intense, to say the least.

I went into it with expectations, or at least hopes, that I would get a clear message from him; a word, a phrase, an image. I wanted to know if I'm in the right place, doing the right things. I wanted to know what was up ahead. I thought I could ask God for what I wanted to hear and I would get the answer I was looking for. But that wasn't what God was calling me for.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart,
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21

They said a lot about how we were there to be ministered to, but also to minister to other people. I didn't know how I'd fit into that. I had never prayed out loud, either in a group or for someone. I didn't see how I was fit to minister to anyone. Who am I to do that?

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness
through our knowledge of him who called us
by his own glory and goodness."
2 Peter 3:11

There were a lot of moments where God pushed me beyond my comfort zone. I had honestly never vocalized a prayer, not even by myself. And the first time was in a group with people I didn't know, and my assigned prayer was for the last few months of George W.'s presidency (which, if you know me, was pretty ironic), and I have to say, I was so worried about if I was saying the right things that I don't think it was much of a prayer to God but to the people in my group. It got easier each night, as we were led to pray in groups over different things and I became a lot more comfortable. Another first was praying for someone out loud. Thursday it was for healing of a girl with cystic fibrosis, and it was a strong experience of loving a complete stranger.

To be completely honest, I spent the first few days in self-serving expectancy, praying that he would speak to me, please! God, where are you!? All I can hear is my voice echoing back at me! The leaders kept talking about how if we couldn't feel anything or hear anything, it was probably because there was something standing in our way. And I knew this must be true, but all the self-analysis in the world couldn't have gotten me there. My prayers turned to a longing to know what was in my heart that I didn't see.

"Ask and it will be given to you;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

When I finally started to just be still and quiet, God uprooted some significant truths about myself that I hadn't even been aware of. It took one sentence in one prayer I received from a girl I'd never seen before to reveal a lot of pain I had so hidden away I couldn't find it. I felt like I'd been broken in half.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay
to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:7

I ran across the hall to talk to someone in the prayer room and my story came spilling out, along with all of my worries and fears and doubts about God's love and about ever finding someone to love me like that. Things I had never been honest about, not even with myself. The girl I was talking to sat listening and didn't seem to know quite what to say, but I just felt like I needed to get everything on my heart out. When the service ended, I sat on one of the couches and wrote in a journal they had for people to write in. In a jumbled mess I tried to recount all the things that had come up. I prayed for God's help in keeping that wall broken down so that it could be healed, and not concealed again.

Of all the things that resurfaced, one major theme was how much emphasis I put on what people think of me. I spend more energy and thought on earning people's admiration than I had any idea, because deep down I'm afraid that people will leave me. I can say a million times that it's God's opinion that matters and no one else's, but in reality, I am incredibly self-conscious. The more I thought on it, the more I realized how many years worth of bricks I had laid down in an attempt to build up a person that people would like and respect and stick with; so much so that I don't even begin to know myself. One of the most painful things about it was the fact that I have never truly worshipped God, because I've always been so concerned about what people will think of me. It's never been from the heart; it's just been singing.

I'm still far from letting go of the concern about what people think, but realizing how much it affects the way I live is the first step to releasing it. It was on Thursday night that I truly worshipped from my heart for the first time and wasn't thinking about who was watching. It was the first night that I've been filled by the spirit in months.

It took God all week to answer my prayers that he break down the barrier keeping me distant, but he did, and I am so thankful for it. As intense of an experience as it was, I couldn't have asked for anything more.

As an end to the week, we spent Friday night recounting all that God had done in our church. They had a few people get up and read excerpts from the journals people had been writing in, and it felt like the floor beneath me dropped away when they read my journal aloud to a packed room. I wanted to cry and hide and smile all at the same time. After my journal entry, they read one written by a girl on Thursday who had been prayed over; she wrote about how thankful she was for prayer for her cystic fibrosis and how she was reawakened to the joy and comfort that only God can provide.

Not only did my Heavenly Father remind me how much his love doesn't need to be earned but is given freely and without limit, but he showed me how he is using me to love and comfort and minister to others, even when I don't believe I'm capable of that myself.

"Whoever finds his life will lose it,
and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
Matthew 10:38

The most peaceful truth I can sink into is knowing that the most powerful, mighty creator of the universe who knows and sees all, loves me more than I will ever be able to comprehend, and is eternally faithful.

I wear my 'Awakened' dog-tag (which ROCKHARBOR had imprinted and gave out) now as a reminder to keep my eyes not only fixed on him, but wide open always.

I ended this week tonight, in a celebration service with all of my new team members, and when they asked if anyone had anything to share about this past week I got up in front of my church (wow, you really don't realize how many people are there until you're standing in front of them holding a microphone) and described everything that happened. And after the service I had all kinds of people come up and thank me for sharing my story. I continue to be in awe of the fact that I would be able to minister to anyone at all, being so new in my faith. Then again, God doesn't really have a track record of only choosing the most mature, sinless, righteous people for his works.

"Do not comform any longer to the pattern of this world,
but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Romans 12

God In Motion

2008-08-27T23:50:00.000-07:00

As you know if you have been following for awhile, I started this blog the day after I attended ROCKHARBOR (and church, for that matter!) for the first time, met God very directly, and was instantly changed. I knew after such a powerful experience that I needed to document my walk in a new faith and the incredible things that were taking place in my life. My friend who had been at church with me that night asked if he could share what I had written, and of course I agreed, without knowing who he intended to send it to. He had sent it to a few pastors, some of which he knows from earlier in his life (like his youth pastor), and some who call ROCKHARBOR home, including our teaching pastor, who had given the sermon that first night... You can imagine my surprise!

Out of that initial connection have come a great many things. I have developed a fellowship with his youth pastor online. We've had some great conversations and I'm so thankful for how generously he shares his wisdom and faith whenever I have questions! When one of the pastors from ROCKHARBOR read it, he said it would be a good story for Motion. Neither of us knew what Motion was so we read some of it online. It's a bi-monthy magazine our church produces, which is filled with first hand accounts of how God is moving through ROCKHARBOR. (Check out the online archive here.) I fell in love with the rawness and honesty of the stories and how inspiring it was to see God impacting lives in all kinds of circumstances.

I continued reading it over the next couple months, and felt called to get involved, but I didn't know how to go about that. I've always loved to write and as a loving and devoted follower of Christ, it seemed like a great fit. I flipped to the back page to find the email address of the editor, and sent him a quick note asking if he needed any help. He told me there would be an open enrollment for the writing team soon, and we kept in touch through email for a few months until the time came for the informational meeting and a try-out assignment.

The assignment was to write our own Motion Life-Story; is a time when God transformed our lives, and who we had been before and how we were changed after. Though the past five months have provided endless options, my choice was obvious. I retold the story of my first night at church, and included a lot more honest background of who I had been before and who I am today. (Find the final edit below.)

I submitted my assignment last week and am now just waiting to hear back.

It's something I've been wanting to be involved in since I first read it and have spent the past few months hoping it would happen. I spent some good hours and a lot of energy on my try-out, and have relived some difficult memories in the process. And as much as it's something I've wanted to do, I'm not praying that I make it on the team anymore. My prayers now just ask that his will be done and that I go where I will be most beneficial to him.

I smile when I recognize God revealing himself in surprising ways, even during those times when I think I have everything figured out, and it becomes clear I don't. Its humbling to remember that, but there is so much comfort in knowing that he can see far beyond what I can, and knows and wants the best for me.

I have peace on the subject. I'm not worried about whether or not I'll make the writing team. Life happens, and its far from predictable. I trust that if writing for Motion is his will, it will happen. And if that isn't his will, he has something else up ahead for me. I know he called me there, but only time will tell why. Its exciting to see what God is going to do next.

Faith is not about looking before you leap and then deciding if you feel like jumping, but simply saying, "yes, Lord." No one knows better than he does, is more trustworthy, or loves us more.

So, with my eyes closed I say yes, Lord! Only time will tell where I'm going to land. I can't wait to see!

******************************************************************

And now, the story.

Looking Through God's Eyes

Growing up, I never knew God. I’m an only child of divorced parents, and while there was plenty of conflict between them, a lack of religion was one subject they agreed on. On one side I had my mom, a non-practicing Catholic, and on the other I had my dad, a non-practicing Jew.

I was raised to believe physical appearance the most important quality. It was clear from a young age that if there was something "wrong" with how you looked, you changed it, no matter what the cost. And I was far from of this idea of beauty. I was chubby. I had frizzy hair. I wasn't cute. I wasn't athletic. I wasn't popular. As I got older and became more aware of what I looked like versus what I was "supposed" to look like, my self-esteem plummeted. I came home in tears the day my first crush started dating my best friend. My consolation prize was getting my hair highlighted for the first time and new makeup. Whether it was intentional or not, the message was that if he hadn't picked me, I must not be pretty enough.

In high school my lack of confidence consumed me. I never had a boyfriend and it felt like I didn't deserve one. Despite education on eating disorders, at home I was told that it would be healthier for me to be anorexic than overweight. My mom promised she would quit smoking when I quit eating. By senior year, I was overcome by depression and severely limited what I ate. When I met my first boyfriend, it felt like a reward for my suffering. I was finally desirable to someone, and I made excuses for the way he treated me. So did my family.

When I got to college we broke up, and I started getting lots of attention I wasn't used to. It was a thrill to be found attractive, and I thrived on it. But no matter what, I still hated my appearance. Soon my craving for affection led me down a dark road. With everything I knew I couldn't distinguish the line between being wanted and being used. I convinced myself that my promiscuity was an expression of how free I was, when in reality it was a reflection of how broken my heart was. I ached for someone to love me, but I couldn't admit that to anyone, especially myself. Sex lost all meaning.

One summer, I moved next door to two guys who were best friends but polar opposites; Nick, the wild one who drank every night and slept around, and Peter, a sweet Christian guy who abstained from sex and alcohol all together. I fell for Peter instantly. I knew he would never want a girl like me, and I quickly cleaned up my act. I know it was God who was trying to pull me out of my emptiness, but I didn’t know it then.

Peter and I hung out all summer, but he didn’t how I felt about him. When he and my roommate started dating, I was crushed. At a party one night, and his best friend Nick started coming on to me. After too many drinks I went home with him, relieved to be wanted again. As the alcohol wore off I realized what I was doing and practically ran home. I tried to brush my teeth but I couldn’t even look in the mirror. I couldn’t fool myself anymore. I didn’t leave the house for three days, afraid that I’d see one of them.

A friend finally talked me into going out for lunch, but we didn’t get far. A few blocks from my house, another car ran through an intersection and hit me, totaling my car. We were relatively unharmed, although my face and chest were cut and burned from the airbag. In shock, we pushed the car to the side of the road and walked home, where I saw Nick washing his car outside. He looked at me, bleeding, and said nothing. The accident had shaken me, but that hurt much worse.

I’ve heard it said that car accidents are a wakeup call from God, but I didn’t see it like that. Not yet.

It was that afternoon that I made the choice to be abstinent until I was in a serious relationship. I told my friends, and they joked about it, thinking it would never last. But it did, and after two years of renewing my sense of what sex meant, I met someone who valued me far beyond how I valued myself. I poured my heart into it, but being unable to love myself also meant I didn’t know how to be loved by someone else. I never felt worthy of the way he felt about me, and after a few years it finally pushed us apart. I felt my world was crumbling all over again.

I knew I was missing something, though I wasn’t sure what it was. I casually dated some great guys but it never became serious. I was emotionally shut off. It felt good to be more independent but there was still an emptiness that I couldn’t explain. I still didn’t like anything about myself, and hoped for the day that someone would love me enough to fix that.

In the early Spring of 2008, I met someone different from anyone I had ever met. His relationship with God is the biggest part of his life. I had never wanted anything to do with that, but as he would talk something started stirring in me that I couldn’t explain. Having never been to church, I was too nervous to go, but I started listening to sermons on the ROCKHARBOR website. Any time I would read or talk or think about God, I would get this anxious, excited feeling in my heart, though I wouldn’t admit that it was having any effect on me. The relationship was short, but he left a lasting impression.

It was a Sunday afternoon in April when I realized I wasn’t apprehensive about going to church anymore. I asked a friend if I could go with him to the service at ROCKHARBOR that night, but I played it cool. I was afraid I wouldn’t feel anything, and I didn’t want to let anyone down.

The message that night was called Sex is Powerful. It was about how huge of an emotional connection sex is, why God calls us to wait until marriage, and no matter where we’ve been we have the opportunity to start fresh. God can redeem us. It helped me understand that even with the mistakes I had made, all the scars could be healed. I realized that it wasn’t enough to wait for a relationship to be serious, and I knew then I would wait until marriage.

Although I had felt good about being there, I was still so foreign to me. As we were shuffling out, my friend spotted a pastor he knows and I told him I would meet him in the lobby. As I walked out I caught a glimpse of Peter and Nick, the two friends I had lived next door to. Five years ago. 200 miles away from where I stood. The ones I hadn’t spoken to since.

I rushed back in to find my friend. Trembling, I gave him a 30 second synopsis of everything that happened years ago and since then. Shaking, we walked back into the lobby. They saw me and said hello, looking almost as surprised as I was. My heart raced. At that second everything clicked. I had no idea how I had ever been able to see the world and not see God in it. After a few minutes we went our separate ways. I didn’t say much the rest of the night, and as soon as I got home I wept for all the years I had felt lost and alone, because I wasn’t.

They say that the moment you die, your life flashes before your eyes. In those moments my old life ended, and it did. I saw God in everything. Every painful step of my journey made sense, and it didn’t hurt anymore. He was there with me in the lobby at ROCKHARBOR and He had always been, faithfully waiting until the moment I would realize that His love is the only love I need. He led me there to show me I had been redeemed. We can change our own minds, but only God is capable of changing our hearts.

The following Sunday on the way to ROCKHARBOR, my friend and I were going through an intersection a few blocks from his house when we were hit hard. It was almost identical to the accident I had been in five years before. But this time, as we stood on the sidewalk, relatively unharmed and watching the emergency vehicles swarm the scene, I had to keep myself from smiling. Because this time, I knew why I had made it out safely. I was overcome with peace and gratefulness.

God is continuously molding my heart and revealing to me the things that hold me back. As I gain greater understanding on what it means for my whole life to be an act of worship, I’ve realized that hating myself, one of God’s creations, is far from worshipful.

On the outside I’m the same person I was five months ago, but for the first time I can see myself through God’s eyes. I’ve finally learned to love myself just as He created me.

An Important Week - A Different Church

2008-08-06T02:36:00.000-07:00

A Different Church

I had told my friend a few weeks ago that as much as I love ROCKHARBOR, I wanted to start experiencing other churches, because it was the only place I had ever been to and I wanted to know what went on in other ones. The night before Serve Day was a good time to start, because there was a celebration service at Mariner's Church, a mega-church in Irvine where one of my friends' fathers is a pastor. I enjoyed the service very much, though there weren't many people there, and felt really comfortable there. That Sunday, my friend and I went to their "Sunday Night" service, which is brand new and takes place in a small room above the worship center. There were about 30 people there, and everyone sits in a circle to worship, pray (a lot, I liked that), and listen to the message. It had a good sense of community, but I know that I like to feel the power of a room packed with hearts on fire for Christ.

This past Sunday, I went to Saddleback Church, another nearby mega-church where Rick Warren (author of Purpose Driven Church and Purpose Driven Life) is senior pastor. Though I had heard about their "rock and roll" services, I opted for the regular one, as I wanted to experience the "normal" church service. As I passed by Overdrive (the "rock" service) I heard great music booming from inside and saw floods of smiling, energetic young people crowding in expectantly.

I kept walking and finally reached the worship center... this place is huge. I walked in during worship, feeling guilty that I had missed that time to worship, but found that a good majority of the attendees were late as well. I was handing an outline and found a seat towards the top. After some announcements, the worship began again, and though the leader asked everyone to stand, a lot of people stayed seated. I stood, and was aware that I was the only one in my area singing. But I pushed my self-consciousness aside and remembered why I was singing. I saw three pairs of hands held up in praise out of the thousands in the room. The band prayed over us, and before we sat we were asked to say hi to some people around us. I quickly turned around and started introducing myself to the people sitting around me, but it seemed as though most people just sat down.

I sat, and the message began. I felt this stale, lifeless air all around me; this energy of "I dare you to make me feel something" as the pastor spoke, and it was discouraging. I said a silent prayer that God would awaken their hearts so they could have a close relationship with Him as well. Many of the people still wore their Bluetooth device and were talking quietly during the service. I wondered why they were there. I really enjoyed the message, and got a lot of good information out of it. It was about the bible from its very origins; who wrote it, how it was compiled, what it is used for, how its misinterpreted, and how we can try to connect with it better. As the pastor referred to scripture and I flipped through my bible to find the page, I realized no one around me had a bible with them, but were reading the words off of the outline we were given. It ended with the second side of the page, which was a "fill in the blank" and true/false activity that the pastor led.

As soon as the message ended and the pastor finished praying, the worship band came back up on stage and started playing and about half of the congregation jumped out of their seats and shuffled out the door! I've never left church early, but I left too, because I knew my heart wasn't in the right place to worship. I couldn't feel God's presence there. I left feeling empty.

That night, my friend and I decided to go to our good ol' home-church, ROCKHARBOR, and I can't begin to explain what a good idea that was. God was there! There was no doubt about it. We sat in the middle amidst a crowd of passionate followers of Christ and I could feel the presence of God physically and emotionally. The message was fantastic, and just what I needed to hear. It was about why we do the things we do, and how to do them so as to please God, not to be driven by the wrong influences. When we worshiped, I truly worshiped God with my whole heart and any sense of self-consciousness or doubt was washed away. It was such a moving experience.

I will continue to experience other churches because I feel the need to know and understand the body of Christ as a whole. But I do really love ROCKHARBOR. This weekend was such a great reminder of what keeps me coming back every weekend with an expectant, excited heart.

Beyond all the details, God is so good to me. I felt myself becoming more and more distant from Him, and started to wonder why HE was leaving me! Oh, the silly things I come up with. God never leaves me, this I know. But its up to me to choose to hang out with Him, make Him a priority, and fix my eyes on Him alone. It's up to me, and it's certainly not about me. It's all about Him!

I've had A Purpose Drive Life, by Rick Warren, sitting on my bookshelf for quite some time now. After reading the Prologue and seeing that you're supposed to read only one chapter a day for 40 straight days, I had set it aside, thinking I couldn't commit. But as it says, we live on average 25,550 days. What reason on earth would we have for not being able to commit 40 of them to figure out our purpose for the rest of them?? When you think about it like that, it sounds absurd that we couldn't devote a few minutes (a measly few minutes!) to getting to know God and His plan for us better. Oh, the way our minds work. So I am committed. Today was my second day, and so far I've learned more than I expected. One of the last sentences of the chapter today even made me cry! No joke, sitting on my bed, and the tears started flowing. I needed this.

In other news, I have an informational meeting/writing audition on Wednesday for the writing team for ROCKHARBOR's publication, Motion. Since I love to write and I love God, it seems like the perfect opportunity for me. I know I'm really touched by the stories in it, and I'd love to be a part of touching the hearts of other readers. Please pray for me!

Lord, you've rekindled the fire in my heart and reminded me what peace You bring. I know you have big plans for me and I know that you'll see me through anything. You're my reason, for loving, laughing, caring, breathing. You're the reason. I'm only here because you will me to be. Thank you God for the unbelievable grace you show me constantly. I see You now more than ever and I pray that I will continue to do so. Lead the way, Lord. I'm yours. In Jesus' name. Amen.

An Important Week - A Christian Concert

2008-08-06T02:07:00.000-07:00

Christian Concert

I went to my first Christian concert, which was at the Orange County fair, and it was great! A couple of my favorite bands were playing and my best friend and I had been super excited about it since we heard about it on the radio. The David Crowder Band played first and they were lots of fun, but MercyMe was really incredible. Bart, the lead singer, has such an amazing voice and a really inspiring stage presence. He really brought the vibe of the show from a concert to a huge worship session.

He said some really moving things that hit home and gave me a lot of clarity on some things that had been on my heart. I had a discussion the other day with a guy close to my age who's getting his Masters at Fuller Seminary, and we were talking about spiritual warfare. He was asking me what I thought about the presence of Satan in our everyday lives and was telling me about this constant battle between God and Satan. It didn't sit right with me, and in my heart it didn't feel right, but I told him I'd have to think about it before I could respond with my point of view because since I'm a new believer, I don't have the same background of knowledge.

The next day at the concert, Bart was talking in between songs (somewhere around the time he told us that he had pneumonia.... wow! He can sound like that with pneumonia? That is talent!) about this battle between the evil one and the Lord. He very bluntly said, "God reigns. He reigns over ALL, heaven, earth, and even hell. He is the ultimate, and there is nothing that even comes close to Him. There is no 'battle' between Christ and Satan. But the Lord allows Satan to get to us sometimes, because it helps to draw us closer to Him and strengthen and shape our hearts to lead us to where we ultimately need to go in His kingdom."

Wow. That really hit it on the head for me. How can I stand and sing about God reigning over all, but not believe that He really reigns over ALL? God is in control of ALL things, big, small, good, and evil. He does nothing by accident and makes no mistake. He has no comparison.

When I returned days later to the conversation we had been having, it felt like I actually had a leg to stand on, and my counterpart even seemed to be able to see a different perspective. To know that five months ago I became a part of His kingdom with 0% knowledge of anything having to do with Christianity or God, it's exhilarating to feel Christ empowering me with an understanding in Him that goes deep beyond the surface, and the passionate heart to want to get to know Him as well as I can.

An Important Week - Ministry

2008-08-05T21:35:00.001-07:00

I had a very important week last week. There were a few big milestones in my walk with Christ that I wanted to share. (I'm breaking it up in parts, it was getting too long!)

Ministry

First off, June 26th was Serve Day. If you're unfamiliar, Serve Day is one day out of the year that is meant to be a catalyst; to inspire and connect people with opportunities to dig in and get involved in the communities around them.

There are tons of things to choose from, ranging from beach clean-ups to serving food to the homeless. I read almost every opportunity on the list, and after much internal deliberation about if I was choosing for God's needs or choosing for my own comfort and desires, I picked a project connected with Walking on Water ministry, and did ministry (meaning walking around and talking to people, making connections, inviting them to a screening of a Christian surf movie, and passing out free dvds) at the US Surf Open in Huntington Beach.

Before, during, and even after, though exhausted, I was feeling guilty. I had reasoned with myself that God blesses us with different talents and we should use them to further His kingdom... so I figured I'm great at making conversation and connecting with people, and I'm outgoing, so that's the project I'm best suited for. But I felt like I had too much fun.

In hindsight, I think no matter what project people chose, they got tons of joy out of it after all. But I was doubting my reasons for choosing that opportunity, and feeling like I must have picked it because it was spending the day at the beach and it seemed easy. It was truly exhausting (being in the sun for 9 straight hours and approaching hundreds of people with the same friendliness and enthusiasm the whole time takes a lot out of you) but I prayed that Christ would soften the hearts of the people I connected with and that the materials we handed out would plant the seed in their lives. I was rejected by quite a few people, some even laughing and throwing away what I gave them in my plain view, but for every person that rejected me, there were 10 who seemed genuinely intrigued and open. I really did feel the Holy Spirit was assisting me in connecting with the people I talked to though.

A few days later, I was talking to my best friend, who said he hadn't wanted to tell me ahead of time because he didn't want to scare me, but he was really impressed and inspired by the fact that I picked the hardest opportunity on the list. Like I said, I had been feeling very much the opposite, but he told me that doing ministry that is talking directly to and connecting with non-believers is just about the hardest thing one can do. He said especially since I'm new in my faith, it was a huge step for me. It made me feel a lot more at peace with the situation.

Leaving the City of Regret

2008-07-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. I'm talking about my annual "Guilt Trip."

I got tickets to fly there on Wish-I-Had Airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my baggage, which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been. No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say international because people from all over the world come to this dismal town.

As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting this year's more important event, the Annual Pity Party. I wasn't going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the town's leading citizens would be there.

First, there would be the Done family - you know, Should Have Done, Would Have Done, and Could Have Done. Then came the I Had family. You probably know Wish I Had and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost.

The biggest family would be the Yesterdays. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share.

Then Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It's Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life. Each story would be loudly applauded by Don't Blame Me and I Couldn't Help It.

Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occured to me that the remainder of this trip and subsequent "pity parties" could be canceled by ME. I started to realize that I did not have to be there. I didn't have to be depressed.

One thing kept going through my mind. I CAN'T CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT I DO HAVE THE POWER TO MAKE TODAY A WONDERFUL DAY. I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging. Knowing this, I left the City of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address. Am I sorry for the mistakes I've made in the past? Yes! But there is no physical way to undo them.

So, if you're planning a trip back to the City of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now. Instead, take a trip to Starting Again. I did, and I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myselfs and the New Starts, are very helpful. By the way, you don't have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival.

God bless you in finding this great town. If you can find it - it's in your own heart - please look me up! I live on I Can Do It St.

- by Larry Harp

Amazing Love

2008-07-11T00:27:00.001-07:00

As I may have mentioned before, I love Rob Bell's videos.

I just watched one entitled "You," that ended with a great quote and such an important concept.

"Broken, flawed, vulnerable people like you and me are invited to be the hands and feet of a Jesus who loves us EXACTLY as we are, and yet loves us WAY too much to let us stay that way."

I was having a conversation tonight with a non-believer about what it was that happened 4 months ago and how it was that I came to believe in Christianity, as opposed to any other religion; as he described it, they're all "basically the same."

There are two parts to the answer, though. How I came to Christianity I've explain here before, but to really hone it down to a sentence, God had been giving me opportunities to see Him before, but he gave me an opportunity that was impossible not to see. And as I told him, once you open your eyes a bit to be able to see God, you realize it's impossible not to see Him everywhere, in everything.

As for the Why Christianity? question... To know that there is a God, and that God loves me so incredibly much, and will continue to love me that much no matter who I am or what I do, because He created me perfectly to be me, exactly as I am; well, how can one not find an immense and overwhelming peace in that? To know that in any struggle, God is there. With every good moment and low moment, God is there. Not only is He there, but He provides these things to me, the good AND the bad, as gifts. Everything is an experience that will shape and mold my heart into what He wishes for me, and even through the most difficult times, I can't help but be thankful for the life I've been given.

If there is anything I want to know how to do better, it's to be able to describe and demonstrate effectively the grace that I've gotten in my life, because it's given meaning to the word salvation. The Lord has filled a huge void in me that I hadn't even realized that I had. There is more power in truly knowing the love we have from the Creator of all things than in any amount of money or success or popularity or strength or any other worldly concept. I wish that everyone could feel what I feel.

I have a hard time understanding what is in another person's heart sometimes. A lot of the time I'm more confused by a fellow Christian than I am of a non-believer. I feel as though the majority of Christians I come in contact with go through the motions, or say the right words, or put the right bumper sticker on their car, but don't seriously know what it means to be a follower of Christ. Even something as simple as a question, like what are the 6 things you absolutely need in your life? It seems like for every Christian that lists God in one of their 6 (sometimes last! Can you imagine?) there are 15 who apparently don't think God ranks as highly as music, friends, or their cell phone. I can't begin to imagine their reasoning.

God gives us limitless opportunities to know Him, and it's up to us to extend our hand and our heart. But man, once you let Him into your heart, that all-consuming love makes anything possible.

Lord, your grace is just so amazing, and I am so in awe of the way you can change the hard heart of a stubborn girl like me. I know if you can break down my barriers, you can do it for anyone, and I just pray that other people will be able to get to know You the way I do. You make anything possible, I'm forever grateful for every step I take with you. My heart belongs to you Jesus and I only hope I can continue to be your voice and hands and feet so that others can be able to hang out in your kingdom and have the peace that I've come to know. There's no better place. In your name I pray. Amen.

You are the strength that keeps me walking.

2008-06-20T02:42:00.000-07:00

This video brings a few tears to my eyes every time I watch it.

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

He Does Love You.

2008-06-12T01:03:00.001-07:00

A Great Example of God's Love

2008-06-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

I've been writing this post in my head for a couple weeks now, but haven't had the time to sit down and type it.

We know that God loves us unconditionally. This love is called Agape; it's an all-consuming love, a forgiving love, and a love that comes from the heart, the soul, and the mind. It's the kind of love described in 1Corinthians13.

Though we have God's love, one of the biggest blessings we can have is to have an example of His kind of love here on earth; and even better, to have the ability to love someone like that too.

I know that I am incredibly blessed to have a great example of God's love in my life: my best friend.

From the day I met him, he has inspired me, motivated me, and encouraged me. He started out as someone that I looked up to and wanted to be like; ambitious, compassionate, generous, and unfalteringly positive. Over the course of knowing each other, and as our friendship has developed into what it is today, he has shown me an endless amount of love, selflessness, respect, and a huge belief in me. No matter how down I am, he is always by my side with a shoulder to cry on, reminding me of the good things I have and helping me figure out how to solve the things that are upsetting me. He is always patient with me, no matter how hard I make that.

Of anyone in my life, I know I can turn to him when I don't know what to do. He's wise beyond his years and has a tremendous amount of compassion. I know I could tell him anything, even the deepest, ugliest parts of who I am or have been, and he would still love me just the same. And he was the one to baptize me, and I can't imagine a better person to be right there with me when I cleansed myself of my old life and began a new one in the name of the Lord. We walk in faith together.

He never makes me feel bad, and keeps no record of wrong. I haven't been a perfect friend, and I know I've messed up on quite a few occasions, but he's forgiven me and loved me despite those times. I never feel like I have to censor myself or like I can't be myself, because I know he loves me for who I am, even though I'm far from perfect.

In the same way, I try to be the best example of perfect love that I can be for him too. I care about him so deeply; when I can tell he's upset, it upsets me just as much. It makes me feel so good to do things for him that let him know I was thinking about him. No matter what, I'll always be there for him when he needs me at any hour of the day or night. I try to be a good listener when he needs me to listen, and give him the best advice I can when he wants answers. He could tell me anything and I would never judge him or love him any less. He's one of the most amazing people I've ever met; even my friends who don't know him that well can see that right off the bat.

In my life, from my past and from my present, he has had more of a positive impact on me than anyone else, from back to the day I met him all the way to the present. He's never hurt my feelings, never made me feel neglected, never turned his back on me, never made me feel like there was anything I couldn't do or wasn't capable of. He teaches me and inspires me and is my biggest supporter. He's shown me the kind of unconditional love and devotion I've never had before.

Every night, in every single prayer, I thank God from the bottom of my heart for giving me such an incredible best friend, and I ask Him to help me show him the kind of love he shows me. Of all the blessings in my life, his friendship is one of the most obvious by far. I know that I don't deserve him, and my only wish is that I can be the kind of friend that he deserves.

Col 3:12	Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Col 3:13	Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Col 3:14	And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Water From The Rock

2008-06-02T01:55:00.000-07:00

I was saying last night, I've been pleading with God to show me what His will is in a way I can recognize, because I think I'm so caught up in what I want that I can't tell what He wants. Even after a few pretty obvious signs yesterday, I think my heart wasn't in the right place to internalize them.

We went to church tonight, and the message was focused around being involved in their series of outreach projects during the summer, which is called Go. Todd, the church's lead pastor, was telling us why we give ourselves away. Sometimes in our lives, we get so caught up in what we're doing that we completely lose sight of the plot. It's easy to forget the reasons why. His example was going to church; we go to honor and praise the Lord. So we go for an hour and a half each week, and we spend a lot of it singing songs of worship to Him. But the real worship is not as much in song as it is in life. When we reach out to those who are struggling, forget our own worries and comforts and details, and focus our energy on helping someone who needs it more than we do, we are worshiping Jesus in our actions. It's easy to go through the motions. We experience actual growth when there is love and praise behind them.

He talked about how easy it is to be so directed on figuring out ourselves from the inside that we can't even hear God when he speaks to us. Sounds familiar. We can spend so much time and energy scrutinizing every one of our thoughts and misguided actions and wondering what on earth it is that we are supposed to be doing, when the answer could be sitting right in front of us, staring us in the face. It takes a tremendous amount of faith and submission to trust that the Lord sees even when we can't, and to stop trying to plan everything for ourselves. It really spoke to me.

He first referenced Psalms 95:6-9, describing a flock of sheep; a species of animal that we know is 100% dependent on being guided and taken care of. There are so many factors out there that would threaten their wellbeing that sheep couldn't survive in the wild on their own.
Neither can we.

Come, let us bow down in worship,
let us kneel before the Lord our maker,
for he is our God
and we are the people of his pasture,
the flock under his care.

Today, if you hear his voice,
do not harden your hearts as you did at Meribah,
as you did that day at Massah in the desert,
where your fathers tested and tried me,
though they had seen what I did.

He explained that Meribah and Massah were alters that Moses had set about as he led the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt. It was custom to set up an alter at a place where the Lord had done something incredible. But Meribah and Massah were not the common alter; they didn't honor God. They represented a spot where the people had quarreled and doubted God and tested Him when their own earthly needs were not immediately met.

As Moses was rescuing the Israelites from Egypt and lives of slavery as the Lord had led him to do, they became thirsty walking through the desert. Though they were assured that there was a much better life up ahead, they lacked the faith to believe that. They complained to Moses, to a point of wanting to turn around and go back to being slaves in Egypt, where at least they had water to drink. He asked them, "Why do you put the Lord to the test?" (Exodus 17:2) And when Moses cried out to Him and asked what he was to do, God showed him a rock that he could strike and water would pour out for them to drink. Even after such a miracle, these blind wanders asked him, "Is the Lord among us or not?" (Exodus 17:7)

The first thought, of course, is how could the Israelites stand there and witness such incredible miracles, and STILL doubt the existence of God and all the blessings he had in store for them? Todd described how they could still be so skeptical as spiritual Alzheimer's. It goes beyond a loss of memories from specific events and to a broader way of being where one's loss of faith becomes so all-consuming that no matter what they see or hear, their heart is too hardened to be able to witness it. They are constantly demanding Him to "prove it." No matter how much lays ahead for them and what plans the Lord has for them, they are of so little faith that they would rather turn and go back to their own Egypt (which could be anything from an empty heart, bad habits, unsuccessful relationships, substance abuse) than to submit themselves to His will and trust that He will lead them to something immensely better in the long run.

I felt as though something had woken up inside of me.

On my drive home, I was listening to The Fish 95.9 as usual, and when a song I love came on the radio, it occurred to me that I never listen to all the lyrics.

I'm waking up
The world is turning
The sun is shining again
I'm holding on
To things I shouldn't
It's time to let them go
I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

And I can hear You say
It's a brand new day
The pain goes away
I'm headed for the door
And I'm going home

Your love, it burns
Away my darkness
You guide me when I'm blind
You are the light
That shines inside me
Showing me I'm
So much more
When I've been on a losing streak
Hit so hard I couldn't speak
But when I hear Your voice it fades away

Take me into Your arms
My home lies within Your heart

After the message tonight and hearing that song, I realized I really am holding on to things I shouldn't. I've been trying to go back to my Egypt because it seems safer than blindly following where God leads me. I was so set on having it my way that I wouldn't let God speak to me. There's one thing I've been milling over in my head, though; how it could really have been only meant for a short time, yet we had all this amazing chemistry and connection?

I'm still going to have sad feelings, but my focus has shifted. It isn't where He is leading me. I want to devote my energy and my heart to being a servant of God. He will take care of the rest.

Lord, I don't always understand.

2008-06-01T02:45:00.000-07:00

I find myself praying in the car a lot. I think it's because its one of the few times during my day that I'm alone and I can have quiet. I also tend to think a lot while I'm driving. Add to that the fact that I always listen to Christian radio in the car, and I commute 40 minutes to work everyday, and you can probably understand why my drive is always God-focused.

I left work today and was driving straight to my ex's apartment, because I told him I would cat-sit while he was away for the weekend. I was driving towards the city he lives in, and as I got closer, I got more sad. I turned off my music and started to pray. I asked... no, begged... the Lord to bring him back to me. I said I knew that it wasn't up to me and that was an unfair request, and if it wasn't right, if it really wasn't His will, to give me a strong sign that it wasn't what was meant for us, beyond him being stubborn. It's hard to decipher signs from God vs someone taking things into their own hands, due to fear or insecurity or whatever else it could be.

I got to his house and opened the door to find the two lonely kitties, being extra affectionate. He'd told me they don't need much help; a big bowl of food and water lasts them days; but that he'd like it if I could go and hang out with them a little. So I got to his apartment, made sure they had enough food, and snuggled with them on my lap for a bit.

The apartment was messy as usual. I was drawn back to the days when we were amazing together, and I loved doing things for him. I tidied up a bit. Remembering why I had come, I wanted to spend more attention on the kitties, and scooped one up and put him on my lap while I went on his computer, which had been left on, to check in with Myspace and Facebook. Right away I noticed a "Notepad" document, open . It was a letter, penned (my best guess) to his ex-fiance about how much he misses her and how he hasn't changed, but he needs to. I was crushed.

Why did he leave that open when he asked me to go hang out at his apartment while he's away on vacation? Was that a very unfortunate coincidence? A dumb mistake? A sign from God? Or a glaring message from him to me that it's really over? Or, as the 1% of me wonders, was it written to me, to tell me that he misses me? I know in my heart it wasn't for me, but the 1% still gnaws at me.

It really upset me. I pet the kitties a bit more, made the bed (why my servant's heart always gets the best of me, I'll never know), cleaned out the litter box, and drove home distraught. Hadn't I just asked God for such a sign? Here it was, staring at me from his desktop, or at least one could presume, and I was still unable to accept it or believe it.

I got to my house, and needed to get ready to go out for my co-worker's birthday. I haven't been out with "the girls" minus a love interest since I came to know God, and to be honest, getting ready (ie putting on a lot of makeup and a showy outfit) didn't feel right at all. I kept looking in the mirror and feeling as though I wasn't honoring God, but very much the opposite. But being the strong-willed girl that I am, now even more determined to have a good time, I swallowed those feelings and pushed them as far down as I could. I was thinking about where we were going, and remembered a guy who was a friend of one of my ex's co-workers that we used to go out with. He was really funny and cool to go out with, but always seemed unnecessarily flirty with me... even in front of my guy.

So, in a moment of sheer weakness of heart, I guess with the desire to assert the fact that I can shut off my feelings just the same, I went on to Myspace with the intention of emailing him and telling him if he wanted to meet up with me, he should text me, and my cell phone number. But as I signed on, my brand-new laptop instantly shut itself down, out of the blue. It's never done that.

So.... apparently I wasn't supposed to email him. Got it.

Lord... I don't always understand you.Please help me understand! I know that's because I keep trying to live off my own free will. I know deep down that won't work. I know in the long run it's all up to you and I need to learn how to accept that. Please help me to see more clearly what your path is. I'm down here, waiting, listening for you. I'm begging you to speak to me. I need to know what you want. I love you with all my heart and I want to do right by you. Please show me what that is. I have no wish but to know and abide by your will. Mine is so strong that yours is hard to see. Help me see it, Lord. Please help me. Amen.

The Only Important Desire

2008-05-19T13:35:00.000-07:00

I think the best way to be at peace with your life is to realize that it isn't up to you.

If your sole desire is to have a close personal relationship with God, it allows you to stop worrying about how things work out or if you're getting what you want. When you leave it up to God, you achieve freedom.

It's really hard to genuinely submit and trust that He will work everything out in the best possible way, but its the best way to release your heart from pain. He will. He knows best!

May God lead you to your happiness. <3

Peace in Praise

2008-05-17T22:36:00.000-07:00

Psalms 86

Psa 86:11
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.

Psa 86:12
I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.

Psa 86:13
For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths of the grave.

Psa 86:14
The arrogant are attacking me, O God;
a band of ruthless men seeks my life—
men without regard for you.

Psa 86:15
But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God,
slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness.

Psa 86:16
Turn to me and have mercy on me;
grant your strength to your servant
and save your faithful son.

Psa 86:17
Give me a sign of your goodness,
that my enemies may see it and be put to shame,
for you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Why Am I Here?

2008-05-17T01:12:00.000-07:00

My heart aches for these people, and it aches knowing that I was one of them only a few months ago. I pray that each and every one of them is able to find God and realize that He loves them no matter what they've believed or haven't believed in the past.

I see You everywhere, Pt 2

2008-05-17T00:22:00.000-07:00

I'm in awe every single day of the blessings that surround us, and I can't even remember how I was so blind to the things that go on around me. His Holy Spirit is so present in our lives.

My walk in faith has just begun, and as you know if you've been reading from the beginning, hit me like a ton of bricks! I'm not one to be "talked into" anything; as any of my friends would tell you, I'm pretty strong-willed and I need to know every detail before I will consider changing my mind on something.

So as you can imagine, my recent realization of the Lord has come as a shock to not only me, but my friends and my family. Though it's been surprising, I haven't run into any nay-sayers just yet, which I am thankful for, although it wouldn't sway my heart. Even my friends who are non-believers have been incredibly supportive of my newfound relationship with God.

The other day, I was talking to a good friend of mine, who is atheist and up until a couple months ago, we had identical views on spirituality. I was telling her about my baptism, because she wanted to know how it went. I not only told her about how incredible the event itself was, but also how thankful I felt for the series of events that took place: my ex coming to church despite his former protests, the pastor giving the most perfect message, and his heart having changed over that 45 minutes. I told her how I had been praying for him every night and how incredible it was to see my prayers being answered before my eyes. Coincidentally, she and her boyfriend broke up the day of my baptism, and she was having a really hard time with it. She couldn't understand why I seemed so calm and satisfied despite my heartache, but I explained that the salvation of his heart and spirit were much more important to me than our being together, and seeing God breathe life back into him was all I could want. As much as I want to be with him, I know that isn't for me to worry about - getting his heart back in the right place is the first priority, and I know that the Lord will take care of the rest, like in Matthew 6.

Hours later, I got a phone call from her. She had been reading my blog (if you're reading this, Hi! <3) and listening to me talk about the comfort I have found in knowing that God is ultimately leading my life and everything will work out for the best if I look to him rather than to myself. She called me later to tell me that after hearing so much about what has changed in me recently, it made her wonder if something was missing in her heart too. She wanted to know what I know that makes me feel so at peace with my life. And she wanted a "favor" (girl, you're crazy, it's my pleasure!): she wanted me to take her with me to church a few times, and she wants to go in with an open heart and open mind and see how she feels about everything. I can't begin to describe the feeling of knowing I touched someone to a point of possibly softening their heart to God as well. Truly incredible. I called my best friend (who baptized me by the way, what a meaningful way to be reborn!) to tell him and we were both so filled with joy and awe at the way He works. I also told my ex-boyfriend (I'll call him S from now on), who responded with, "Wow, you are being used by God left and right." Wow is right!

During another conversation, my best friend (who was raised in a very Christian home and has always been deeply faithful) told me that my faith in the Lord has strengthened his own in a powerful way, which I couldn't understand. He told me that he sees me as such a strong, independent person who doesn't accept anything as truth without extensive knowledge of the subject. So seeing me become so strong in faith has given new life to his own faith... somewhere along the lines of, "if even she believes it, it MUST be true!" (You're silly.) That's probably one of the sweetest things I've been told before. What an amazing compliment!

Weeks ago I surrendered my heart to his work and have let him guide me in what I do, and already he has used me to make an impact on those around me that I love so much and care so much about. How exciting it is to be truly filled with His love and sharing it with others!

Lord, all of my thanks and praise go to You and only You! You are incredible beyond words and You alone are worthy of my praise and gratitude. I am so grateful for Your love and devotion and the abundance of blessings you've given me. I am your servant! Please continue to guide me, Lord, in demonstrating to others the love that You give to us and in living in your example. Please continue to shine your blessed light on those who are in the midst of night, so they can be awakened with your Spirit again. Keep us safe and protected in Your love and mercy. Amen.

I see You everywhere, Pt 1

2008-05-16T23:42:00.000-07:00

The acceptance of God into my life has made a considerable change on how I view the world and my experiences. Even my friends who haven't acknowledged His truth have seen this in me.

Its really incredible to think that only a few months ago, the same things could have happened to me and I would have written them off as happenstance. My realization that the Lord is behind each and every moment of my life has opened my eyes to everything He is doing with me and around me.

Friday marked the end of a relationship that I wasn't happy in for awhile, but I was patient with. I had been praying constantly on it, because my gut instinct told me that I needed to end it to be happy. But every prayer was answered with a very clear response; wait, give it time. So I kept pleading with God to help him find happiness and fulfillment in His love, and to open his heart the way that He opened mine. I asked God to speak clearly enough to him because I knew he couldn't hear Him anymore. I couldn't get him to come to church with me, and I believed that might be the first step in the process of living with the Lord again. When he came over Friday night to break up with me, I told him about all the things I'd been praying for, and that this didn't feel right. This wasn't the answer I kept getting. He told me sometimes our prayers are answered in ways we don't expect or want. I was crushed.

Two days went by without contacting each other. Sunday night was my baptism, and I had hoped he would come. I sent him the address and time, just in case, but didn't expect his appearance. Just as the service was starting, I got a message from him that he was there.

The service began, and the message was centered around how sometimes we can become dead, dry, and empty. He told us that sometimes it feels as though there is no hope for us, and no salvation. But the Lord can breathe His life into us and make us new again. He referenced the Valley of Dry Bones in Ezekiel 37.

Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.'" - Ezekiel 37:4

"Then you, my people. will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land." - Ezekiel 37:13-14

As much as this service was a celebration of the death of my old self and the birth of my new life with Christ, I sat listening to Isaac's words and thanking God over and over again for having brought my (now ex) boyfriend to church, and for giving to him a sermon that he needed to hear more than anything. I felt so overwhelmed with joy and gratitude in the Lord for answering my prayers that I could hardly contain my smile during the whole service. I say it today and for the rest of my life, God is truly amazing! And since then, his heart seems to have softened to God's grace and he has brought Him back into his life, and has committed to living fully in His word.

He told me very early on in our relationship that as much as he cared about me as his girlfriend, my spirit was most important to him because that was eternal, and our relationship was worldly. I didn't understand fully what that meant, but knew it was a good thing. As our relationship grew, so did my spirit, which is how I have come to where I am today. Through our breakup and the deliverance of his Spirit back into the arms of the Lord, I can easily say that I understand exactly what he meant then, and that I care more about his Spirit than about our worldly relationship too. I love him and I want to be with him, and if it is God's will, we will be together again when his heart is fully restored and renewed in Christ. But as of now, the most important thing to me is supporting him and encouraging him on his journey returning to the Lord, and I pray that I am as helpful to him as he has been to me.

It is an indescribable feeling when you pray so hard for something and you realize that God has heard you, and you can clearly see his response right in front of you. I knew God wasn't going to let him go, and it is such a blessing to be able to witness the remarkable change in his heart.

You watch over me in the deepest valleys.

2008-05-11T02:17:00.000-07:00

I'm in a deep valley. I know the Lord is here watching out for me, but I hope He can find me down here.

An Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters

2008-05-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

Mike shared this with us during last Sunday's message, and it really stuck with me.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Life is all about choices.

When we learn from our mistakes, we can choose a different path.

Being a Christian doesn't mean being a perfect person. A Christian is someone who has decided to entrust his or her life to Jesus Christ. A Christian trusts Christ for forgiveness of sin, a right standing before God, and guidance in life. As a rule, as human beings, we cannot be perfect. We were born as flesh, and in order to live with God we need to die of the flesh and be reborn to the Holy Spirit that lives within us. This is what it means to be baptized, and I'm very excited to say that I am being baptized this Sunday. I haven't been this excited about something in a long time, and I can't wait to publicly celebrate my new life for and with the Lord.

John 3:3-7 Jesus answered and said to him, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God." 4 Nicodemus said to Him, "How can a man be born when he is old? He cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb and be born, can he?" 5 Jesus answered, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. 6 "That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7 "Do not be amazed that I said to you, 'You must be born again.'

We are all born as humans, but only when our hearts and spirits are with the Lord can we be born as the Spirit. The only perfect person was Jesus, who was both human and the Lord here on earth. While we can never expect to be as perfect and holy as God, we can live by His example and make our decisions based on honoring Him, not fulfilling our worldly desires. To live by Christ's word is to be selfless, not selfish. He taught us to be kind, loving, honest, generous, and forgiving.

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist him who is evil; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone wants to sue you, and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. And whoever shall force you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor, and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you in order that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax-gatherers do the same? And if you greet your brothers only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?" - (Matthew 5:38-47)

Every single day, we are confronted with choices. Of course it's tempting to choose the one that is selfish, simple, easy, and immediately fulfilling. As humans, we are prone to picking the easy route; the one that will benefit us. The other choice is almost always more trying, more difficult, and more Godly. God shows us unfaltering love, devotion, and forgiveness. Why shouldn't we honor Him by doing the same for each other? We learned from Jesus to put others before ourselves, but our culture dictates that we should live "every man for himself." Though the easy choice might be instantly satisfying to ourselves, it rarely honors God or satiates us for long. When we live for ourselves, we never experience true joy. Real joy comes from living for God, and doing his work.

During the baptism class I went to on Wednesday, the teacher was talking about how living for God doesn't necessarily mean "doing good." Many times, we can go through the motions of doing good deeds, but if we do them to fulfill our desire to feel good about ourselves, these actions aren't honoring God; only ourselves. He was telling us how he was volunteering with an organization to build houses, and was feeling good until his co-workers showed up, and it turned out that day was the day where they had developmentally handicapped people working on the house. His good feeling quickly turned to frustration and irritation, because now the hard work became hard work and trying to teach/help out someone else, who was having a hard time, in their own job as well. He was trying to help a man with cerebral palsy use a table saw. God spoke to him, and hit him with a "two by four," as he put it. He asked him how he could possibly look down on these people, who although disabled, would spend their day trying to help someone else. Not only were they working through their adversity to help another, but they were getting immense joy from it. He told him that maybe, just maybe, he may get to be one of those people one day - one who, no matter how big of a struggle it is, puts others before themselves and gains more joy from that than anything else. He told him those were "his people."

Every day, we are given the opportunity to either live for ourselves, or live for others and most importantly God. Jesus demonstrated a servant's heart, and the way to be truly enlightened and fulfilled is to find joy in living by His example. This isn't to say we make the choice and we are finished. Living with the Lord is a journey, not a destination. It is a lifelong effort of the spirit to be as close to Him as possible.

Lord, it is so easy sometimes to feel like I should be putting myself first, because that is what I see around me and it seems like the only way to save myself from being hurt. But I know that is not how you lived or what you want from me, and I am so thankful for the kind and generous heart you blessed me with. Lord, Strengthen my heart so I may continue to give to him who asks of me, to go two miles when forced to go one, and to love and pray for those who may not love and pray for me, because I know that is your way. I am devoting my heart to you, and surrendering myself. Please continue to guide me, I'm listening. Let your love rain down on he who is lacking love for himself, shine your light on his darkness. Thank you Lord for selflessly sacrificing your own to absolve us of our own selfish acts. Forgive me for the things I am lacking and help me to see where I can do better for you. Amen.

Protect, Trust, Hope, and Persevere

2008-05-06T13:04:00.000-07:00

I keep finding myself back at this place, where the struggle between my boyfriend and I is so great that I question why it is that I'm still here. I know the easy road would be to turn away and cut ties. The difficult one is the one I keep choosing, though. My gut keeps telling me to break up with him and move on, because it isn't good and I deserve more than what I'm getting. But I keep praying to God for him to get through the rough time he's having and for the strength to be here to support him if that's what I need to do. I keep asking God what I should do; if I should leave him and move on, because it sure feels like it. Despite the feeling in my head, I keep getting the response that I need to give it time, and that I need to wait. Going against the Lord's wishes never got anyone anywhere.

So I am here, fighting for us. I do it because I know deep down he's a one in a million, and because I know he's capable of the kind of love I have searched for. I know he has all the key components that I've wanted in a mate. I know when I met him he made me feel validated in who I am, and important, and smart, and beautiful. And above all else, he opened my heart and led me to God. He's changed my life. I think there is something much deeper going on here than a brief dating relationship.

A large part of our conflict I think is due to the struggles he is having in his own life. Although it is so hard sometimes, I can't justify leaving in his time of need. A lot of the time now I don't feel all those things that he made me feel originally. But I want to believe that this is a rough stretch and that we'll get through it. I want to believe that if I was having a hard time, he would stick around and be supportive of me, too. I think love can save a person. And I love him, even when I don't like him.

I'm reminding myself of this verse from Corinthians.

1Cr 13:4	Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
1Cr 13:5	It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1Cr 13:6	Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
1Cr 13:7	It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1Cr 13:8	Love never fails.

Lord, please let my love never fail. Let it protect us and not lose hope for us. Help me to see clearly what we can do to strengthen our bond and heal our relationship. Help us to love each other as much like You love us as we can. Please remind him of how much You love him, so he can love himself again. Restore our hearts for you and for each other. Amen.

A Piece of Rope from the Lord

2008-05-03T01:26:00.000-07:00

I've been having a real struggle lately in my relationship. I see all these positive things around me that are changing for the better: most importantly my new faith, my new job, new friends... but the past few weeks it's felt as though the one major negative thing in my life was my relationship with my boyfriend.

Things started to go downhill, and as soon as I saw them changing from the previously dream-like state that they were, I started to worry, and voiced my concerns. I knew that what I was saying was going to be construed as nagging or whining, but when I wouldn't say anything I would only feel worse. It wasn't doing any good to talk about them though, because it invariably turned into an argument with no end, and the result was never a positive resolution but only more frustration on both sides and increased distance between us.

One thing he kept saying to me was, "relax, just relax." But being told to "calm down" when you don't feel like you're stressed out is a really quick and easy way to make someone very angry, very quickly. And of course I would say, "I AM relaxed, I just don't feel good about ______ right now." And on and on we'd go, in circles.

So although things have seemed to get a lot better lately, I think it was really only on a surface level, because as I was trying to explain to him, there's a level of trust in our relationship that's missing in me right now. To which, of course, he kept saying, "just relax." (Arrggghhh!!!)

Finally, after literally 2 hours of arguing back and forth about how the issue wasn't my "relaxing" but the fact that some days I feel loved and some days I don't, he explained himself. He told me he was at church once, where he really hadn't felt like being at the time. The pastor was going to pray for him, and was asking God for any message that he might need to hear. After a few minutes of prayer, the pastor asked him to put out his hands, palms face up, and started shaking them, saying "relax," over and over. Initially this irritated him (it was something his dad had been saying to him for a long time when he would be upset or disappointed with how his life was going, which he responded to identically to how I have been the past few weeks), but the pastor just kept repeating over and over, "relax," as he shook his hands.

It occured to him, after about 15 minutes of this, that what he was trying to get him to do was submit himself to the Lord, and stop trying to be in control of everything. It's so easy for us to believe that as long as we retain a hold on any situation, we can control where it's going to go and how it's going to happen. In reality, we are never going to "be the boss" - God is the boss, and what it really boils down to is that it's always going to be up to Him. Like quicksand, we can either struggle against it (and sink fast), or we can relax and hang out there, because eventually God is going to come along with a branch or a piece of rope and pull us out.

So now here we were, having just argued our faces off, but it all made sense to me all of a sudden. I just need to submit myself to letting things happen. I care about my boyfriend and I show him in certain ways. He cares about me, and he'll show me in his ways too. But those ways aren't going to happen if I keep trying to direct the situation; I have to start just being, to allow him to show me the way he wants to show me. And ultimately, we both need to relax and let our guard down, so that God can lead us in the direction that He sees for us. If we don't relax and let our guard down and start listening to Him, we'll never hear what God wants to tell us.

And after our 3 hour phone call had to come to a close so that I could go to bed and he could get back to work, he left me with Matthew 6; a perfect lesson in God's branch. We need not worry about anything but our own faith in Him, and He will provide for us all that we need.

Mat 6:25	“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
Mat 6:26	Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
Mat 6:27	Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[fn2]?
Mat 6:28	“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
Mat 6:29	Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.
Mat 6:30	If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
Mat 6:31	So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’
Mat 6:32	For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.
Mat 6:33	But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Mat 6:34	Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Safe in God's Hands

2008-04-29T02:36:00.000-07:00

On the way to church last night, my best friend and I were involved in a serious accident.

We were going through a big intersection a few blocks from his house, when from our left a man clear ran through his red light at full speed, and we T-Boned him going 50 mph. The airbags went off so I couldn't tell how many times, but my friend's car spun a few times, and the other car ended up on the opposite side of us about 100 feet away, opposite the direction we had been driving and on the concrete center divide.

My friend's door was difficult to open but when he got it open he walked out and helped me out of the passenger side. The other driver was stuck in his car and was extracted by firefighters. Almost immediately there were multiple police cars, fire trucks, and ambulances on the scene. We stood on the sidewalk and answered questions and were checked out by the EMTs. Though shaking, we were both generally fine, with some stinging on our chests from the airbag and seatbelt, and my wrist was bothering me, but we didn't get in an ambulance. The man from the other car seemed extremely disoriented and unclear as to what happened, but physically he was unharmed. We were staring at his mangled car, amazed at how we walked away from such a serious crash. His mom came and picked us up, and we were both really disappointed that we were missing church. We went to get some food and try to get a handle on the situation.

Later, my boyfriend picked me up to take me home but insisted that we go to the hospital first, since my hand and wrist were now swollen and difficult to move. As we were driving he kept saying he had this anxious feeling in his chest and wasn't sure what was wrong with him. He's been having a difficult struggle lately with being with God, and although he knows that what he really needs is to be back with Him, he keeps pushing him away. When I got to the hospital, they did some x-rays and said they couldn't see any fractures, but because of where it was swelling, it was most likely an occult fracture in my "snuffbox," which is the area between the hand and thumb. Fractures are difficult to see in this area, but after calcification they should be able to see it, so I get my cast off next week. As I was being examined, he was sitting in the waiting room watching tv, and when we went to find the remote to change the channel, it was sitting next to a bible. He picked it up and started reading it, which he hasn't done in a long time. By the time I was finished, the anxious feeling in his heart was gone. My best friend also went to the hospital and they told him that he has a radial nerve palsy in his left arm, which basically means he has some pain and numbness in his arm, but it should be ok soon.

Although car accidents are scary and shocking, I know above anything else that my friend and I were so blessed in having walked away from the car. We were stunned and shaking, scared and in pain, but staring at his car, all I could think about was that the Lord had taken such good care of us. It almost made me want to smile. I was standing there and I kept thinking, "thank you. Thank you!"

I believe that this incident happened for a reason. I think that God put us in that place to get something across to us. The whole thing was really miraculous; from our two cars being in the same spot at the same time after the man ignored his red light, to the fact that all three of us walked away from a severe car crash (where most likely, both cars are totaled). From what I understand, a car accident is like a wake up call or a reality check. Maybe a sign to slow down, either literally or figuratively. I wonder if God was trying to tell us something specific, or just wanted to show us that He really is here protecting us. Either way, He has definitely been on my mind, and I don't want to miss His message!

..

..

Lord, I know You are here with us, and that You were there with us last night, keeping us safe. Thank You thank You THANK YOU for leading us through a traumatic situation with the comfort of Your love and mercy and our physical wellbeing. Thank You for providing for us a way to really experience Your love firsthand. Please help us to heal quickly, so that we may continue in what You have called us to do in our new jobs in salons. Lord, above all, please guide us in understanding Your message! Amen.

Following His Path

2008-04-23T00:51:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned before, I have been having a real struggle lately with who I am and figuring out what really makes me happy. I knew that one of the things I was having a hard time with was my job, because I find no fulfillment in it. No matter how hard I work and how well I do, the only feedback I get is what I'm not doing well enough in. It makes me feel as though I'll never be good enough, and I already struggle with that enough internally. I've also been feeling as though I'm wasted my education and talent and passion for doing hair.

Last week, when I was in the deepest part of my struggle, my boyfriend and I prayed together, and he prayed that the Lord help to lead me where I would be happier, and to help me find some peace in my life and in my job.

Two days later, one of my good friends from cosmetology school messaged me to ask if I would interview to fill her position at the salon that she works at, because she's moving away and has a full clientele that needs to be taken over by someone. Yesterday, I went in with a few models and interviewed with the owner. I got it. (Yay!!!)

I asked, and He answered. I'm now going back into the salon and back into the career I always intended for myself, and I feel really excited and relieved about it. I thank God for showing me the way, for guiding me towards what He knows is best for me, and what will be more fulfilling and fruitful for me. I'm so thankful to have opened my eyes so I could see how huge of an impact He has on my life. The Lord is full of blessings.

I can't wait to go back into the place I was supposed to be all this time, behind the chair!

"May you honor the way that God created you."

The Gift of Good Love

2008-04-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

This Sunday was the third installment of the series entitled, Sex, Love, & God, entitled The Gift. Mike Erres described how the bible shows us that sex is in fact a great thing, and it's not something that is sinful, as long as it is done at the right time with the right person. As he described, God intended for us to be able to be sexual beings, as we were originally naked and unashamed. As he says, "we were sexual before we were sinful." Over time, sexuality evolved into something that was no longer used properly, and we have gotten so far away from the way real love should be expressed.

In Song of Solomon, the two lovers grow closer and more crazy about each other, but restrain themselves and vow not to "arouse or awaken love" until it is time. Finally, the two get married and get to demonstrate their love for each other the way it was intended, and it shows that it was well worth it. Sex is holy, and is a gift from God.

"How beautiful you are my darling.
Your eyes behind your veil are doves. Your hair is like a flock of goats,
descending from Mt. Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn;
coming up from the washing, each has it's twin. Not one of them is alone.
Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon, your mouth is lovely.
Your temples behind your veil are like a pomegranate.
Your neck is like the tower of David, built with elegance.
On it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors."
Songs 4:1-4:6

When the Lover and the Beloved get married, on the night of their wedding, love can finally be "aroused and awakened," but he doesn't rush her. He doesn't coerce her or push her. He woos her, beginning at her head and working down, he describes to her how she is perfect. Every detail affirms that he loves everything about her.

When we wait until we can commit our lives and our hearts to someone, we can finally experience the kind of love, both emotionally and physically, that the Lord intended for us. Romantic, sensual, life-giving love is the way that God gives us the ability for two to become one flesh.

As Mikes tells us, this amazing, romantic interaction shouldn't just be during the honeymoon. This kind of connection should continue throughout the course of the marriage. Even as a married couple, our jobs are to please each other to show each other that kind of love. We cannot demand it, as that wouldn't be honoring each other. We need to always approach the situation with respect and love, no matter how long we have been together.

It's incredible to know that God has a plan for us, even on a sexuality level. It's reassuring to think about the fact that there are such big benefits to following His wishes, because on the other side there are much more satisfying blessings. Though physically it's something that tempts now, if we wait we will be a million times more fulfilled.

Knowing and learning these things has strengthened my convictions about preserving my sexuality for the right time. Though I've known for a long time that sex should be reserved for a healthy, serious relationship, I know now that means that waiting until the night of my wedding will bring so much more satisfaction than anything else. Even now in my current relationship, we both agree that we need to reserve the physical side of love for the future. God has our best in mind and though its a struggle, we aren't arousing or awakening love until it so desires. Despite the difficulty, I so look forward to the benefit of pure, safe, holy physical love with my mate, if or when that day comes.

Lord, I pray that you will help us through the struggle of preserving ourselves until its time for us to express our love physically. I ask that You guide me in making the right decisions and living by Your word. Please help us to strengthen our relationship in all other facets so that one day we may reach that point of intimacy. I trust in Your intentions. God, please grant us the blessings you intend for us. Amen.

Rob Bell's "Flame"
Let our love be all three flames, burning together.

Wherever you go, there you are.

2008-04-17T23:22:00.000-07:00

Starting at Ground Zero

2008-04-16T19:29:00.001-07:00

After the exhiliration of meeting God for the first time, things have seemed to change drastically. I can't pinpoint what it is that has me feeling so low, but all I know is I've felt pretty awful the past few days.

Where I am normally very social and love being around people, I've felt like hiding in my room. I'm usually in a good mood, or able to have a positive take on things, but the past few days its as though nothing seems positive anymore. When it comes down to it, I just feel really empty and hollow. It doesn't make any sense to me, because I feel so excited and relieved and fulfilled by acknowledging God and inviting Him into my life, but aside from that, I feel super low.

I talked to my best friend for a long time today, who said that maybe it's because I'm in an extremely vulnerable position, having just accepted Christ into my heart, and that this is a prime time for the other side to try to work against that. Maybe it's because I've always had my walls up to it all, and now that they are down they are both trying to get in.

It feels like I'm having an identity crisis. It's as though I no longer know who I am. That would make sense, according to scripture, but I expected it to feel much better than this.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
he is a new creation;
the old has gone, the new has come!
2 Corinthians 5:17

Where I have always been "filled up" or satisfied by getting attention and admiration from those around me (friend-wise, and even longer ago it was on a more physical, attention from the opposite sex side), I think my recent spiritual findings have left me understanding that those things really don't fill me up or satiate me. All of a sudden, the things I would normally do to cheer myself up and make me feel better aren't having any effect on me, and I feel this great distance between myself and the world.

I'm not sure how to fix it or how long it's going to last, but I know all I can do is ask the Lord into my heart and accept Him as fully as I'm able.

Lord, please help me to fulfill what it is that You have in store for me. I ask that You show me love and guide me in feeling whole in Your love and grace. I know I'm not capable of completely understanding Your plan for me, but I can't wait to know You better. Please help me to demonstrate the love and appreciation I have for those in my life that are trying to help me through this struggle. Amen.

He spoke, loud and clear! And I surrendered my heart to Him.

2008-04-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

Though apprehensive about going to church for the first time, I woke up Sunday morning with no reservations. I decided I wanted to go that night. Though I still wasn't completely sold on the idea of Christianity, I wanted to go and see if it was right for me, if it spoke to me. If I felt something deep during the service. It was a "give me a sign!" moment.

I went with my best friend. Once we arrived, I felt a little anxious, but it was mostly excitement. I knew I had to open my heart, and not let my head get the best of me. As we walked in, I said to him, "I wonder if I'll see anyone I know." He asked who I meant. "I don't know, anyone." Considering I've lived here for a few years, I figured I would run into someone I've worked with or something.

The message that night was part of a 5 week series on the Song of Solomon, which is a poem about love and sex in the Bible. The series is being taught by Mike Erres, and is called Sex, Love, and God. After singing a bunch of worship songs (very new concept to me), we got down to the message. We translated the scripture and learned the values that God wants for us to have concerning sex. It isn't something to be swept under the rug (and in fact, many churches never teach this book), but something to be celebrated. But God wants us to enjoy and value it to our utmost abilities, when we are with and fully committed to the person who can love us as close to perfectly as possible, so that it can be as special and intimate as it's supposed to be.

He talked about how chances were that most of us had already crossed that line, probably lots of times. But he said we weren't damaged goods. If we were to decide today that we wanted to change, and learn to restrain ourselves even when it's most difficult, we could start over, and God would redeem us and help us to make our hearts pure again, so that one day, we may experience that intimacy and physical love with the right someone.

I looked back on my life, many times feeling as though the pastor was talking directly to me. Though many years ago, I went through a very promiscuous phase while I was living a few hours north where I went to college. I got to a point where the only thing that mattered to me was a little positive attention from the opposite sex; that's all it took. I was a broken person and I thought someone's shallow words were enough to fix me. It would work for the time being, but I would crack a little more every time. I thought, who cares? What does it matter now? I didn't say no to him yesterday, why would I say no to this one today? What was the difference? I'm not hurting anyone.

Well, I was hurting myself. I was inflicting very small, deep wounds on myself that would later take years to heal. But I didn't know it.

Fast forward to the summer before my sophomore year of college. I moved into a house with a bunch of friends, and next door to two boys who were best friends. One of them was the funny, outgoing (and extremely promiscuous) one, and one of them (in my naive, silly 18 year old head, mind you) was the absolute, hands-down man of my dreams. We would hang out, and do trivial things like run errands and watch TV, and it would feel like I'd just had the best day of my life. I thought he was incredible and I fell so hard, in total head over heels, complete infatuation with him.

As you can probably guess, things didn't work out (as mind-altering crushes often don't) and I was (no pun intended) totally crushed. Aside from not feeling the same way about me, he ended up dating my roommate - can you imagine? Not only was I totally heartbroken, but seeing as how he lived next door, I couldn't escape it either. It was horrible.

Soon after, we threw a party. The two boys came, of course, and for whatever reason his best friend was all over me like white on rice; hitting on me, putting his arm around me, you name it. The object of my undying affection even told me to "go for it." And for some reason in my silly, pathetic little head, I thought I might as well. It was the next best thing.

So I went home with him. It was all fun and games, 'til the drunk started to wear off. I looked around the room and realized that I was laying there naked, in the room of the boy I was obsessively crushing on, with the wrong boy. All of a sudden I felt disgusting. I got home and went to sleep, and when I woke up I felt more empty than I ever had before. When I left that morning for work, he was outside and didn't even say hi to me. I wanted to curl up and disappear.

I swore that day to become abstinent. I promised myself that until I was in a committed, healthy, serious relationship for a good length of time, I wasn't going to have sex. Everyone around me, including my closest friends and roommates, laughed and bet money on how long it would last. Well, five years later, I've been with only one person who I was in a serious relationship with for almost two years. And I do feel as though I've redeemed myself.

So back to present day, where I was sitting and listening to a sermon about sex, and about redeeming and restoring ourselves, and no matter what has happened in our pasts we can move on and start anew. We said a prayer, much of which was about letting our guard down and letting Jesus into our hearts, and I felt like it was just for me. It finished with more singing, and everyone started to file out. My friend wanted to talk to the lead pastor, so I told him I would meet him in the lobby.

I felt good about being there, and I had really enjoyed the sermon and felt like I could relate to it on a very personal level, but the experience wasn't groundbreaking. As everyone shuffled out, and I made my way towards the front desk, I caught a glimpse of the boy I had been so madly in love with 5 years ago, who I had lived next to three hours away from here. The boy I hadn't seen since.

I kept walking but my heart was racing. I ran back into the large room and found my best friend, who I pulled aside and gave him a quick rundown of the story. I was shaking. We walked out, and there they were. We talked to them for a second, but I was so overwhelmed I could hardly say anything. They asked me if I go there often, and I told them I'd never been. I asked them if they do, and they said they go once every few months. We said goodbye and left and I was shaking all the way to the car. My friend and I went to get food and I could hardly eat. I felt like crying.

It wasn't out of sadness, but really out of shock. Out of being overwhelmed. If ever there was a sign that I was in a place I was supposed to be (and more importantly, at CHURCH, for the first time in my life) there it was. After a sermon about redeeming ourselves after promiscuity, I literally ran into the reason I stopped having casual sex, sitting in the lobby.

God works in mysterious ways, I know. But there was nothing mysterious about this one. I heard His message loud and clear, and I know He wanted me there for a reason. That was really the breaking point for me; for believing in Him, knowing that He was speaking to me, and that I needed to be exactly where I was.

I know that my life is meant to be with God, and I'm surrendering myself to him to do his work and live by his example. I'm so excited to begin a new life.

Who am I?

2008-04-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

I present this question in two ways.

To start, maybe you'd like to know. I'll give you a little background.

I was raised in a broken household (rather two households), and on one side was my mother, a completely non-practicing Catholic, and on the other was my father, a completely non-practicing Jew. My mom is non-religious, where my dad is anti-any-religion-that-is-Christ-based. I grew up knowing nothing about God.

By the time I reached an age where virtually everyone had some basis of faith in their lives, I had the opposite. Even as I say this I feel ashamed, but I laughed at it. I thought it was silly and couldn't understand how anyone could believe it. I was immediately turned off and my guard went up when a conversation turned down a religious path. I would feel uncomfortable immediately when people would mention God, Jesus, or prayer. I felt resentful that so many people could be so happy and fulfilled believing a big made-up story. The worst part is as much as I thought the whole thing was a joke, deep down I didn't know the first thing about the Bible or the teachings of Jesus. Still, I rolled my eyes. To me, the Bible was nothing but a book of short stories with good morals.

But I wasn't a bad person. I like to think I've always had a good heart, despite my upbringing (which I can tell you was troubled far beyond a lack of God). I've always believed in being accepting, sweet, caring, forgiving, generous, and passionate. I had been asked on a few occasions if I was Christian, because I "seemed" like I was. But I was anything but.

My belief was that "everything happens for a reason." I believed in fate and destiny. Not God's Plan, but in the sense that the universe was responsible for how things happened. Very recently, during an in depth conversation with someone who seemed to believe all the same basic ideas, except with the addition of a strong faith in Christ, I was asked, "why not give credit where credit's due?" We continued to talk. Over the past month, we have had many conversations on scripture and Jesus. Though previously hardened to the topic and unwilling to learn or consider, I began to feel a great need to learn as much as I could; like an empty bucket that I couldn't fill fast enough. It felt really strange to want so much to learn about God, but I know myself, and I know logically I can't feel good about any decision unless I'm fully educated.

He told me during one of our talks, that he felt that God was trying to get my attention by surrounding me with people who have a strong faith in Him lately. I knew it was partially true - though I had never grown up with it or had friends or boyfriends with it, most of the people I spend time around lately (my boyfriend, my best friend, my co-workers...) all have a strong faith and a strong background in living a Christian life. And that got my attention, since I've always looked for signs and signals.

It began as nothing more than an analytical study, but something started to grow inside of me. The more I would hear, the more this anxious, excited feeling would build inside me. It was foreign but I accepted it, and started to love it. I found comfort in it. The more I would learn, the more I wanted to know. I started talking to my best friend about his faith and about church services, a subject we had never really discussed before. He invited me to come with him to church, but I felt really apprehensive. I had literally never been! (Other than Catholic Mass on Easter Sunday a couple times when I was very young.) I had no idea what to expect.

So I started listening to sermons online. I started reading books. I started visiting websites.

I realized a lot of things about myself. I had always had this empty place inside, which I had excused in a lot of ways. Maybe a lack of love and security from my parents. Maybe because I wasn't ever good enough for them or for myself, and because I wouldn't ever be good enough. Maybe it was because I hadn't met someone who cared about me enough to fill that spot. Maybe I just didn't feel loved.

What I learned is that my empty place was a place for God. I learned that God loves perfectly, and that he loves me perfectly. Although I had shunned Him and built a wall around myself to guard against Him, He was waiting for me to let Him in. He wanted to hang out with me. The more I thought about it, the more I felt it. Deep down in the pit of my stomach.

The acknowledgment of the Lord was single-handedly the most comforting and exciting thing I've felt before. All of a sudden, things seemed to make more sense. I realized that I am loved and protected. No matter what mistakes I've made or where I fall short, I'm forgiven and I'm still loved completely.

Nothing in the world could compare to that.

So who am I? I've wondered that all my life. And I still wonder. But the one thing I've learned, and the most important, is that I am His child.

I started this to document my journey in meeting and getting to know God. It's a new and exciting world, and the most important relationship I will ever have.

I have a lot to learn about Him. But He already knows me completely.